Shortform note: Kerner says that foreplay—stimulating your partner before touching her clitoris—is fundamental for a sexual encounter because women require anticipation to become properly aroused. This is because whereas sex begins in the body for men, sex begins in the mind for women. This is due to the different levels of testosterone between men and women. Testosterone is the hormone that causes physiological desire and is typically much higher in men than in women. Consequently, women need more mental stimulation—what Kerner calls anticipation—than men to get sufficiently aroused.) You can stimulate each of these parts during sex for maximum pleasure, but you’ve got to set the stage and plan on the right acts, which is what you’ll learn next. Lesson 3: Don’t just think of sex in terms of foreplay and intercourse, it’s about foreplay, coreplay, and moreplay. Sentence-Summary: She Comes First is sex therapist Dr. Ian Kerner’s guide to improving sex by emphasizing the female orgasm, explaining why changing your mindset about sex and focusing on the stimulation of the right places in the right ways can be more enjoyable than intercourse for both men and women. And if you still doubt the power of the clitoris, consider this. There are people without a vagina that still have external genitals and they can still have orgasms. Lesson 2: Get to know the clitoris, it’s location, and how to stimulate it if you want to have the best sex of your life. The truth is, unless you want a baby, you don’t even have to include penetration to have great sex!

Kerner recommends a few more advanced moves that you may want to consider integrating at this time: Fair warning, what we’re about to get into is not safe for work. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t read it at home! This is where you either kiss and cuddle – or have a sexual penetrative intercourse. It’s easier once the female has experienced the first orgasm – and may lead to more and more pleasure. Key Lessons from “She Comes First” Some people refer to the clitoris as the happy maker, orgasm switch, or love button. That might make it seem easy to simply push it to give a woman an orgasm, but it’s more complex than that.

Book Summary

Fantasize together—talk about the things you both crave and incorporate them into your next session. For example, lingerie, restraints, candles, music, and so on. Kerner says sufficient foreplay should last at least 10-15 minutes, and you should wait until her arousal and anticipation have peaked before moving to cunnilingus. However, he notes that the typical indications of arousal like natural vaginal lubrication aren’t always accurate indicators—some women may get wet without being very aroused, and others may be very aroused but not very wet. To more accurately judge when to move to the next step, look for changes in her breathing pattern (like irregular breathing) and tightening of her abdominal muscles. It might be easy to just think of sex in terms of preparing, getting it done, and then falling asleep. But this is what average people do and they don’t have great sex. If you really want to reach a new level of pleasure, you should go for multiple orgasms.

First: the highly complex anatomy of the clitoris. Which has 8,000 nerve fibers and up to ten different parts. These are: the head, the G-spot, the public mound, the front commissure, the frenulum, the inner lips, the vaginal entrance, the fourchette, the perineum, and the anus. Most people think that success between the sheets depends on size and thrusting. But the truth is that women can orgasm in different ways, and not all are created equal. The key to the best orgasms for women is understanding the clitoris. Researchers from Northwestern University explain that rhythmic activity causes us to enter a trance-like state where the combination of intense focus and repeated motion forms neural pathways (highways for nerve signals) between different parts of the brain. They theorize that rhythm is what causes orgasm because with each repeated motion, neural pathways are extended and nerve signals reach further and further until the orgasmic threshold is reached. However, research in the area is very limited and this theory has yet to be proven. You might have seen and met her. She’s the woman who is self-employed, doing the thing she loves, and making a living off of it. She’s the woman who might have decided to have a normal career, with a twist. It’s the type of career she enjoys and she is actually appreciated for the hard work and hours she puts into it. When she speaks, others listen, even the men in her office with overinflated egos. Her job almost never feels like work and is deeply fulfilling. It doesn’t cost her energy; she gets energy from it. When she wakes up, she can’t wait to get started with her day. Shortform note: Kerner recommends continuing your tongue strokes throughout your partner’s orgasm to ensure that you’re giving her a complete experience. This tip is important to keep in mind as men often get distracted and rush through their partner’s orgasm with the expectation that she’ll perform oral sex on them next. Many women report having had this experience and deem it one of the biggest turn-offs.) After-PlayCoreplay comes next, and this is time to perform cunnilingus, which the author goes into more detail about in the book. This is the stage where everything swells as you stimulate the clitoris. It eventually comes to a climax in an orgasm. Once she’s adjusted to your finger, you can curl it up toward her belly button in a “come here” motion and press against the vaginal ceiling with your fingertip—this will stimulate her internal clitoral nerves. Once she’s adjusted, you can insert your middle finger as well. While you do this, you can integrate a more advanced move by pressing your hand to her mons pubis and pushing slightly upward—this will expose the clitoral head and make her more sensitive to your tongue strokes.

For those claiming that G-spot climaxes are far more intense than clitoral orgasms, here’s an interesting fact. The G-spot is actually the base of the clitoris and is stimulated during penetration, so this type of orgasm is inseparable from clitoral orgasms. You need to know about the ten highly sensitive spots of the clitoris if you want to get sexual stimulation on a woman right: Shortform note: Before the first kiss, Kerner says you should give your partner a final burst of anticipation with pursed kisses on her vulva, potentially through her panties. While Kerner only briefly mentions using panties as a barrier to build anticipation, sex experts highly recommend this step. They also add that before removing her panties, you should ask your partner for her consent to do so. They elaborate that some women might want to keep their panties on throughout cunnilingus, especially if they have a highly sensitive clitoris.) In addition to foreplay, there are two other stages of the sexual experience that will take your sex life to a whole new level. Kerner defines foreplay as everything that comes before clitoral stimulation. He explains that stimulating your female partner before touching her clitoris is necessary because women require anticipation to become properly aroused.Shortform note: Kerner mentions that some women may enjoy anal and perineal stimulation. Experts elaborate that some women actually prefer stimulation in these spots over clitoral stimulation, and can orgasm from this alone. This is called an anal orgasm. If your partner thinks she may prefer anal stimulation or wants to try having an anal orgasm, experts recommend stimulating the anal region with your tongue, fingers, or toys like anal plugs, beads, or vibrators.) Step #4: Approaching Orgasm Now that you understand the basic functions of female sexual anatomy, it’s time to focus on when, how, and where to touch your female partner so you can walk her through each stage of the sexual response process until she reaches orgasm. Kerner breaks this process down into three steps: foreplay, cunnilingus, and after-play. Ian Kerner, PhD, is an American author and sex counsellor. He specializes in couples’ therapy and sex therapy but works with individuals on a regular basis as well. He is a frequent guest on popular TV shows such as “The Today Show” and “The Dr. Oz Show.” Kerner explains that foreplay can be an extended process that starts to build sexual tension hours before a sexual encounter. This was a newer idea in 2003 when She Comes First was published, as foreplay had previously been considered the sexual activities that come immediately before sex. Since the book’s publication, other sex experts have developed Kerner’s concept of foreplay even further. Once you’ve established a rhythm that increases her arousal and continues to build anticipation, Kerner says you can introduce manual stimulation with your hands and fingers. You should maintain tongue strokes while doing so.

Whereas Kerner recommends activities that will help you engage in foreplay (sexy hints, fantasizing, tender physicality, and sensual physicality), these experts argue that the best way to practice foreplay is by embracing a specific mindset that shapes how you view your partner and your relationship. If you adopt a playful, inquisitive, and sometimes teasing mindset, it will keep your relationship in a near-constant state of flirtation and anticipation, stave off dullness, and allow you to handle conflict without turning to contempt.When your session is over, make sure to give your female partner proper aftercare. Whereas men are usually tired after orgasm and want to sleep, women want to maintain intimacy. To sustain and deepen your sexual relationship, spend 10-15 minutes cuddling or talking. Stage four begins once you start pressing the head for five seconds after each cycle and start including a second finger. Stage five is the pre-orgasm period. Which is a preparation for stage six – when it’s best to hold your woman’s body in place so as to help her feel a more powerful orgasm. Touch her body tenderly—romantic touches such as stroking her hair, kissing her forehead, or rubbing her feet can increase mental and physical arousal. Some argue that the G-spot is in the vagina and that’s where the best orgasms happen. But the G-spot is actually part of the clitoris, and the reason it sets of pleasure signals is because it gets stimulated during intercourse.