It was at that point that I made a great decision. I told my wife that I had just remembered a meeting I needed to go to and would have to leave. I asked what his fee was and gave him the money, plus another twenty, and told him to "do whatever she needs".

A few years ago, I stumbled upon an article about a man in New York City who offered highly intimate massages, resulting in dozens of satisfied women. The quotes he listed from women seemed real. The process appeared to be selective. Up until this moment, I had no idea this service actually existed for women, and I instantly felt envious of the women in New York—it was something I needed to have. The massage took a gradual turn from a typical massage to a slow and sensual one without me noticing. I was relaxed and the nervousness gave way to physical pleasure. For an hour and a half, his hands were completely focused on my body. They responded to my breathing. I had multiple orgasms. My body felt things I had never felt before. And I couldn’t touch him. That was the hardest part. I had to focus only on myself and the new things I was feeling. It excited the hell out of me to see him running his hands all over her body, including her gorgeous ass! Then he asked her to turn over and she did! There she was, with her naked tits and pussy fully exposed to his eyes, and hands. He seemed able to get his hands on nearly every bit of her body's surface. I don’t know what is going on,” I said quietly, running my fingers along the edge of the sheet, my eyes filling. “I don’t know if this is normal anymore.” It was just the other day he reminded her, dad had left three years ago. He often thought of mom getting married again, but to James?I can’t say exactly why things were so different that last month before she died. I think at the end of her life and knowing I no longer needed to care for Teri, Mom was able to relinquish her role as “strong mother” and just be herself, a dying woman who wanted her daughter’s help. And I was able to respond, in part because Teri’s love had finally quieted that little part of me that always wondered whether I was enough. So I was able to simply love Mom instead of demanding more than she could give. I think about being in the hospital,” I whispered to the ceiling. “I think how great it would be to break both my legs because then someone else would have to care for Hope and no one would blame me.” I held my breath, waiting for the earth to engulf me for exposing this terrible secret. I am in the mind there must be some women who get propositioned for beyond professional services within or outside work hours for more money. And I would think most would not appreciate the offer. Right now the stars were bright, their luminous eyes keeping him company. He could see the Big Dipper or ‘Ursa Major’ as he learned in school.

I knew it! I just knew it!" he exploded. "Why didn't you ask me how I might feel?" Without giving his mother a chance to answer Kenny grabbed his schoolbooks and rushed out of the room. Kenny sat up and placed his feet on the cool floor, then walked slowly to the window. He knew he had the best view in Sheldon, a village of 200 people near Truro, Nova Scotia. His house sat on a hill overlooking the highway. He felt like an owl settled on a branch watching the world move along. Mom had steadfastly cared for my dad, my brother, and me since her early twenties. She rarely complained, but I thought I detected the toll this sacrifice took in the way she seemed happiest not with us, but at church or petting the dog or watching PBS. I tried to make things easier by hiding my troubles from her and sometimes even myself, but this time I was too weak to pretend.Marry James?" Kenny's look was nasty. He waited for an answer as he noticed his mother's nervousness. She always looked around the room when she was stumbling for words. It wouldn't be so bad if James didn't have to work all the time. He never took him anywhere. And he's so strict. Kenny continued to look out the window as his mind raced along on a merry-go-round of memories. Instead, Teri turned to me. “You’re going to get better, kiddo,” she promised softly, our blue eyes inches apart, as she rubbed my arm. “I’m not going to leave you until you’re better.” Slumping on his bed, Kenny thought of dad who had been gone since the winter the boy had turned nine. "My leaving has nothing to do with you. I'll always love you," dad said. Then he stepped out of his life, like a fading ghost. There were times Kenny cried like a baby, over something he knew was missing in his life.