One of the things I particularly liked about The Velvet Rage was the very practical ‘skills for life’ section that helps an y read er become more self-aware , better able to recognise how to set boundaries, how to recognise what their own needs and responsibilities are and ultimately better engage with the world and build relationships. The skills are based on the various theories that Downs puts forward of the barriers that are created for gay men which really gave me pause for thought, and I would encourage people to read both books to deepen their own insight. I do think that a lot of the issues in The Velvet Rage have pushed gay men and gay culture to create thoroughly wonderful things,” says Downs, “but the question that each of us must ask is: ‘Is this the life that I want for myself?’ When you read the biographies of most people who have been incredibly successful in the creative world, they haven’t always achieved a personal life that is satisfying and fulfilling. That is my concern as a psychologist.” Alan Downs, Ph. D is a clinical psychologist. As a gay man himself, he brings a level of understanding to the subject matter that a straight author could not. Relying on personal experience and years of counseling gay men and gay couples, he penned The Velvet Rage to assist men with letting go of shameful feelings about their sexuality they may be unaware of harboring. The ultimate goal of his book is to help gay men embrace a lifestyle that is healthy and fulfilling. China Sourcing Agent: Source any high quality products from China through our partners Fulfillbot ! Stage two is "Compensating for Shame" and explains how some gay men attempt to subdue feelings of shame by striving to be more successful, fabulous, masculine, or attractive than the people around them.

Downs outlines how feelings of worthlessness can be created in childhood quite unintentionally, and these lead gay adults to search for an unachievable perfection. This is a must read for 99.99999% of gay men out there. I realize that it won’t resonate for everyone, but so much of it is relatable to my own experience and that of pretty much all of my gay friends. As self-help books go (and I will admit that I am not a fan of the genre), The Velvet Rage is actually quite good. The problematic issue with many self-help books is that the underlying philosophy (or approach, or methodology, or treatment, etc.) is based on the assumption that everyone who reads the book is suffering with or struggling with the same condition (e.g., obesity, addiction, unhealthy relationship). This kind of essentializing or pathologizing of a condition usually results in overly generic (i.e., pretty much useless) strategies for correcting the condition. This book, however, is based on a more solid foundation—the belief that most gay men face similar challenges during the course of their development. These challenges result in deep-seated shame that often precludes any ability to maintain healthy, loving adult relationships with other men. And on this point, Dr. Downs pretty much gets it right. The Diversity Digest is our platform to showcase how these characteristics intersect and overlap to make up our everyday human experience, and to articulate the relevance and impact of D&I work through stories. Downs identifies a litany of compulsions as adult manifestations of “velvet rage”. “If you give people in pain an anaesthetic they make use of it,” says Tim Franks, from the British gay charity Pace. “They may then become habitual users of that anaesthetic.”Clearly, because I was Pentecostal, I was going straight to hell for being gay,” says Downs. “Hence my own experience with shame. I often say the God of my childhood had anger-management problems.” Churches are particularly culpable, believes Tim Franks, for velvet rage. “Some gay men grow up in cultures where they will be told in no uncertain terms that God hates them. That’s a very significant message to grow up with.” Educational establishments don’t acquit themselves too well, either, he adds. “Homophobic bullying in schools in this country is still epidemic. It’s absolutely rife. Most British schools are not safe places to be gay.” When gays from small Midwestern towns tell me how cool that must have been, I smile politely and don’t dare tell them I would have gladly traded places. Growing up near the Castro in the 1980s was confusing and occasionally frightening, and it probably delayed my coming out by a few years. “If this is what gay is,” I thought to myself, “then I’m definitely not that.” The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World is an influential [1] 2005 book by Alan Downs, a clinical psychologist. It argues that shame is a significant motivation for many gay men.

However—with further reading I realized that Downs��� exploration of some of these tropes (I’d say stereotypes, really) had more to do with his theory that many gay men are plagued with the same challenge of a past rooted in internalized fear and shame. He does a beautiful job of unfolding the way those can affect a person and how they drive us to run from negative feelings and seek external validation. Honestly, I think many people could benefit from the lessons taught in this book, gay or not. We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Is this all about rebranding self-loathing for a new era? “Only if you buy the argument that the cause of our problems is being gay,” says Downs, “and not the invalidation we went through as children. I do fear that as the book becomes more popular those who would like to misinterpret it or to take some small piece of it and take it out of context could do so. But what I’m saying is that it’s invalidation – not being gay – that creates the problems.” In an effort to right those wrongs, and to do my part to promote gay cultural literacy in a time of vanishing gay bookstores and vanishing attention spans, I’ve asked some of the country’s most interesting and iconic LGBT writers—including Michael Cunningham, Edmund White, John Waters, and Patricia Nell Warren—to suggest five books that every LGBT person should have on his bookshelf (or Kindle). my only caveat is to take from it what you will. i think as gay males in our twenties and thirties, we might have a different developmental arc than the gay male generation ahead of us, for which this book seems to be written. however, the fundamental truths still exist and i found them to be very helpful.Anyways. Glad I read it because I keep seeing it everywhere, and also because there are some general insights that were useful, but mostly I’m disappointed and irritated by this silly framing of the most privileged and visible queer men as the standard by which all queer men can be understood. On the dark and gloomy side...I think this book has a lot of issues that lessen its impact and bring down the work overall. My main frustration is that the book attempts to present a generalized gay male psychological journey. This is a fascinating topic, but the attempt is repeatedly undermined by the incredibly narrow focus of the examples used throughout the book. In between descriptions of psychological theory and ideas Downs relies primarily on anecdotes from his West Hollywood patients and his own experience as a gay man to drive home his arguments. This irresponsibly and unnecessarily focuses the book on the predominantly-white upper-middle-class gay male experience during the 1980's through early 2000's in the metropolitan United States. Overall it was a decent read. I feel this is more a book for a straight audience looking to understand the gay experience a little better, however it paints with both broad strokes about gay culture in general whilst only ever being a snapshot of a very particular group of gays

The first stage of the author's three-stage model is "Overwhelmed by Shame" and explores the period of time when many gay men remain "in the closet" and keep their sexuality hidden because of fear. He brings to light a powerful correlation between a father's love and a gay man's ability to accept his own sexual identity. By putting the more celebrated, creative aspects of gay culture in the spotlight, and suggesting that beneath them lurk serious psychological issues, the book has caused a stir, and Downs himself has drawn criticism. “It’s a minority of readers, but it’s a sizable minority,” he says. “Probably somewhere around 15% of readers will get quite angry. The question I get a lot is, ‘If I want to have as much sex as I want then what is the problem with that? Why pathologise that?’ I am not, in fact, pathologising that, but people have interpreted it as such. My response to that is if that’s working for you, if that’s bringing you lasting fulfilment and creating a life that you feel really is the life that you want to live, then go for it.” I went into a deep depression earlier this year. I’ve only met one other person who is positive. People seem to not want to talk about it. I want to help show it’s something that people can talk about. I don’t hate being gay, but it annoys me when people say it’s a choice. I’ve had to go through a lot and I wouldn’t have chosen all this. My family and friends have rallied round me and I’m hoping things will get better. F M, 30, doctor, London Becoming a Man: Half a Life Story by Paul Monette, an unrivaled memoir about life in and out of the closet. I was a late starter. I grew up in the 80s when the tabloids constantly portrayed gay men as paedophiles and freaks and so thinking you were gay was fairly horrifying. I wasn’t any of those things. I drank bitter and went to football matches and the two things didn’t seem to go together so I just pushed it into my subconscious. I didn’t tell anyone or do anything until my last year at university.I have read MANY nonfiction books, and I expect a bibliography, extensive research notes, and statements about other theories or opinions. This is nonexistent in this book. The author comes off being very confident in himself, yet Albert Einstein is the only person I know that can write conclusive research statements and actually cite nobody. I’m a big fan of Maupin’s Tales of the City, but his “Micheal Tolliver Lives” really hit close to home. I think it’s his best novel. The final chapters, however, are mindfulness exercises I'm sure a lot of people would benefit from. Not terrible but learning that the author is now a life coach makes perfect sense to me. He's also a PhD psychologist so, like, I don't doubt this man's credentials Toward the end of the book, the author offers ten short lessons to further encourage healthy relationships, such as Lesson #1: Don't let your sexual tastes be the filter for allowing people into your life and Lesson #8: Actively practice accepting your body as it is right now.