Subs enjoy only clearly specified sensations. Like everyone else, even the most submissive subs hate dog bites, sprained ankles, or street assaults. They crave only what they personally enjoy. I grew up thinking sex was shameful,’ Monieau adds. ‘I didn’t even know what masturbation really was, but I knew it was bad.

persistently not following clearly agreed rules / aspects of the dynamic, despite repeated conversations on the topic; Tone of voice- For me this is the greatest reward. Hearing my Dom’s voice assure me that I am safe and his, is the greatest reward. To me it’s the ultimate prize. When I receive that message, he affirms that I am a good girl and that I please him. There is a sweetness in his voice that I know is mine alone. It’s a tone that he only shares with me and instantly calms me. It makes me want to keep pleasing him. Conclusion

The Origins of Submissiveness

I’ve spoken to a few men who also consider themselves to be subs, and usually they’re struggling with the same type of thing where they have kind of a hard time trying to find someone that is OK with what they like,’ he says. One way that you can do that is to use positive reinforcement when the submissive is following the rules. Positive reinforcement can be as effective as corporal punishment. Rewards can be used as motivators. As a submissive myself, nothing makes me happier than pleasing my Dominant. If I please him, then he reciprocates with more doting behavior. He delights in making me happy. So if I follow the rules, he rewards me. It makes me want to keep behaving. Positive reinforcement works best for me. Failure to comply with any rules should usually result in some sort of submissive punishment. The harshness should be determined by the severity of the misdeed. For example, if a sub waits 15 minutes to respond to a Dom’s text message, an intense caning would probably be too much. Understanding the why behind the rules helps absolve the Dominant from feeling guilty from following through with the agreed upon consequence for breaking the rule. I have seen plenty of newbie doms fall into a variety of traps around the funishment punishment distinction.

For those not in the know, subspace is what Monieau describes as being a ‘nice bonus’ of being a submissive. BDSM contracts are a pretty important part of the relationship. Both parties need to bring something to the relationship to make their counterpart the best version of themselves. The contract outlines what the Dominant/submissive will be responsible for. They are meant to protect both people from hurt feelings and unrealistic expectations. They can include anything you want, really. And they can and should include any rules and consequences for rule breaking. These can be verbal or written out, but the most important part of the contract is communication. This is something that is ongoing throughout the duration of the relationship. Discipline The desired outcome is to have a healthy relationship where you both feel safe, happy, and cared for. By following rules that are set by the Dom, the submissive can relax and trust that they are taken care of. When the submissive complies with the rules, the Dominant feels proud that he is able to have been given the gift of submission. The Dominant then feels accepted, desired, and confident like the Master they are. Power Play No…non-D/s’ers may be thinking…”Why the hell would you let someone punish you into better behavior? You’re an adult. Isn’t is humiliating?”But that is far from the truth. While I do believe dominance in a lifestyle sense involves some aspect of leadership, there is a difference between leadership and playing the role of a parent. Well, to figure out what to actually do punish your sub, you need to figure out how to make them feel the way you want them to feel. And to figure out how you want them to feel, you need to know why you’re doing what you’re doing. I can’t say I’d ever be one of those subs who happily thank their Doms for the discipline they receive. I realize it can be taxing for the Dom, and that it’s a responsibility for them, so being appreciated that they are willing to take this on is “the right thing to do.” But, I’ll be honest, I’m likely to glare and purse my lips and pout about it during the actual doling out of the consequence. I mean, how many people do you know who actually thank a police officer for pulling them over to “gently” remind them to slow down with a fine and an admonishment? Yeah…no one. In fact, most of us are more likely to spread the word about “that asshole cop” who seems to be out for blood on a particular section of road. Most people naturally don’t like to be told what to do and really don’t like to be punished for not doing what they’ve been told to do…or doing something they’ve been told not to. Every time a rule is broken, it should be crystal clear what the consequence was. Ensure both of you understand which rules can result in which specific punishments. Anything later than a day often misses the goal of teaching the sub so they learn to never do it again. Subs need to also see that their Doms care enough about the relationship to take the time to discipline them. If a Dom ignores bad behavior or puts off (or neglects) submissive punishments, the sub can feel insignificant or unimportant.

If you want someone to misbehave on purpose, for fun you need to tell them. Some subs are hardwired ‘good boys / girls’ and hate having done something wrong. If it’s a game, make it clear. If you think punishment means a good thorough beating, well, say hello to scores of masochists out there. Want someone to write out lines or do your laundry in a head-to-toe scuba suit? There’s someone out there for whom that sounds like the perfect Saturday. If I broke a rule and knew that I disappointed my Dominant, I would need to have a discussion about what happened, why I shouldn’t break the rule, why the punishment happened, and that I am still loved and cared for. I made a bad choice, I am not a bad girl. While it looks different than post-playtime aftercare, that bit of reassurance and reconnection allows me to have time to improve and remember he is still there for me. Rewards That said, protocol doesn’t mean you have to make punishment the same every time. The protocol you design can be a looser framework, which allows you to dole out more flexible punishments. Even if you are opposed to ritual, I would still take the time to develop protocol – it really is key to a sustainable 24/7 dynamic!I will cover punishment in a longer post, but as an obligatory disclaimer – any emotional issues on either side should ideally be resolved first, before you get to the punishment stage. It is usually not advisable to risk either the dominant taking their emotions out on the submissive, or the submissive coming to view punishment as the way in which they ‘fix’ emotional issues. ‘I’ve upset you so hurt me’ might be an appealing sentiment to many masochists, but chances are, it won’t resolve substantive problems in the long term. Take the time to understand what is driving you and your partner – trust me, it will save you a lot of time and agro down the line.

The term fetish is often used interchangeably with kink to refer to any sexual activity that falls outside the mainstream appetite. But fetish is actually a subset of kinky sex, and technically refers to the fixation of an inanimate object that’s not typically sexual such as body parts - notably feet! One of the biggest components of BDSM is that the relationship consists of a Dominant and a submissive. This is actually the cornerstone of this lifestyle. A Dominant will take control of the submissive. The extent of control is discussed and agreed upon between the two parties before any play time can happen. Research first: before trying out any kink, do plenty of research to make sure it’s really for you – especially for kinks sitting at the more extreme end of the scale. The Alternative Sexualities Health Research Alliance is a good place to start.

Learning new dynamics is rewarding.

Note that punishment generally isn’t about ‘training’ someone in an operant conditioning sense – rather, it’s about targeting underlying motivation, decision-making, and desire. But that’s a very specific point, which I will cover in an upcoming post. I do cover some of the rationale in this post on maintenance spanking, if anyone is curious. As I grew older, I came to terms with conventional ideas of male and female roles. I became a full-on feminist. It’s like I did a 180, which ended up being a 360. A ritual is a powerful thing – it’s part of the magic of high protocol. Repeating a protocol leads to habit formation. Notably, this includes emotional habits – you know how you feel every time you watch that one film that makes you cry? Or a song? Somewhere in your head, the emotional state and cue are connected. Something to know about me is that for softer submissive punishments, my Dom likes to make me remove my panties for the entire day, or have me wear Ben Wa Balls. These punishments also work for long distance D/s relationships.