Most of the female nudists were flaunting elaborately bejewelled vajazzles (glittery pubes) or a regulation Brazilian, which resembles a landing strip for a mosquito. The most important advice to remember on a nudist beach is to slather factor 50 sunscreen on everything; otherwise you’ll soon have a hotter arse than Kim Kardashian. Then, just to be really kinky, I fantasised about other people putting their clothes back on as well. Well I was in Sydney recently visiting family when my sister Liz inquired what I’d say if she asked me to go to a nudist beach.

Because what a nudist beach teaches you is that there’s only one vital quality for a backside — that you never, ever talk out of it. Which is why I soon found myself mingling with 50 or so other butt-naked strangers on the pristine white sands of Tyagarah (rhymes with Viagra) beach at Byron Bay. I could imagine the tide taking one look at my naked body, going back out and then refusing to come in again. And speaking of bottoms, did my sis and I care if ours jiggled and wiggled when we played sunset Frisbee with nearby nudists on our final day? But whereas muffin tops, thunder thighs, pendulous boobs, flat chests, lumps, bumps and baby marks make beachgoing a torture for mere mortals who are not “beach-body ready”, being naked makes you feel exotic, unique and beautiful in your own way.He’d clearly been inspired by those African tribeswomen who wear rings on their necks to aid elongation. But each lazy afternoon we took the ten-minute ride on the solar train into town for exquisite fine dining. But the lush landscape, 18-mile stretch of silica sand, crystalline ocean and famous blues music and literary festivals soon attracted A-listers. For example, when I was growing up, skinniness was inniness, but today a full derriere is de rigueur.

I opted for a crawl back up the beach like a jungle commando dodging enemy fire, my face a few inches from the sand. The best thing about nudist beaches is that they do away with the usual “am-I-too-old-to-wear-a-bikini? On Main beach, you can take yoga and capoeira classes, try fire dancing or consult naturopaths, mediums and healers. What makes Byron perfect for your first nudist beach experience is that it’s one of the most laid-back places on the planet.Forget whale watching; my binoculars were on the lookout for Chris Hemsworth, Hugh Jackman, Nicole Kidman et al. I eventually got the courage to lift my open book to an inch below my eyes, like a detective on a stakeout, for a closer scrutiny of the tattoo art on display. And the male gaze is less laser-like on a nudist beach too, as men find their own anatomy coming under female scrutiny, for a change.