Regular trainers: You don't play much, you're unfit, and your hammies are tight as hell. In your school days you played in jeans, and you're here because when else are you going to see your football-obsessed mates? You're surprisingly effective, in a very pedestrian way. At least the match was free, as they were desperate to fill the last spot. While having a good pair of boots is important, it's more crucial to have the right pair. "It's really down to having a pair that's comfortable for that player," says Ebbs. "A lot of people don't really understand that, just because they like Ronaldo, they can't necessarily wear his boots, because his foot shape is different to theirs. They might have a wide foot, and different boots are made to different lasts." This means that trying them on, in all honesty, is essential. Discounting metal studs, which are only suitable for grass, there are several types of football boot suitable for artificial pitches. Of course, there are several types of artificial pitch, too.

We casual footballers probably spend a little too much time talking about boots – and, for that matter, kits – which I'm sure is a monumental bore for everyone else. Guilty as charged. But then, if you're reading this, you probably don't mind. Most brands have tierings to signify quality and price. Usually, this is shown in the boot's name, so it's pretty easy to tell what level you're getting. As mentioned, for someone like me (a casual five-a-side player), the bottom level usually suffices. The quality might be slightly less for a lower level, but not by much.