Many people underestimate how traumatizing it is to have emotionally absent and neglectful parents. Abuse can be done by ‘commission’ (something that was done) and by ‘omission’ (something not done). The fact that what needed to happen – love, attention, modelling emotional communication – did not happen could have deeply wounded you. They hardly asked how you were and made you feel like you were an inconvenience. If you had felt like a burden to others in life, it would have been difficult for you to take up your rightful space now. Because narcissistic parents are often controlling and possessive and like to tell their children how to live, their children may be deprived of the opportunity to develop their sense of self. They may grow up without the chance to discover who they are, their likes and dislikes, and their interests. A child damaged by a narcissistic parent feels that they have lost their identity. They may not be allowed to have their thoughts or feelings and are constantly ridiculed and repressed. As a result, they may feel chronically empty inside, as if they do not know who they are. Identity confusion leads to difficulties in taking up space that is rightfully theirs. If you were parentified by vulnerable and needy parents, you might internalize the unconscious belief that you are loved not for who you are but for what you can do for others. This can bring a lifelong struggle for unconditional love and acceptance of yourself. Even if it sounds trite, you may want to remind yourself daily, while looking in the mirror, that you are valuable and loved simply because you exist – not because of things you do or produce. When a parent is emotionally volatile, they naturally take up all the emotional space at home. On the outside, they may be charming and sociable, but their colourful personality and exciting life come at a cost for their children. They constantly have some kind of big ups or downs, drama or intense conflicts that demands attention, leaving no room for a child to express their needs.

I so clearly remember what it was like, being young and always in the grip of some big fat daydream. I wanted to be a writer always, but more than that, I wanted to have an extraordinary life. I’m sure I dreamed it a million different ways, and that plenty of them were ridiculous, but I think the daydreams were training for writing, and I also think they spurred me to pursue my dreams for real. Do you feel haunted by the need to be ‘productive’ at all times and feel terrible when you cannot work for any reason? As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”. Charlie Chaplin Children who have not been traumatized by a narcissistic parent or abusive sibling innately know how to take up space without fear and shame. Most children innately know how to claim their birthright to their physical and emotional freedom. They cry when they want to and laugh when they want to. Classic attachment research in psychology has famously shown that when a securely attached child enters a room, they are not afraid to go around and explore. They are happy to have a space where they can be spontaneous and playful, and they will explore new territory without fear of reprisal or shame. The story is different, however, for those who have been wounded in their upbringing. Do you feel like you are being selfish or narcissistic when discussing your difficulties or problems?Being authentic means your words reflect who you are, not who you think you should be. This requires you to let go of the worry about how others see you, which can feel uncomfortable. But when you realise that no matter how hard you try, you can never control how others perceive you, you may feel free to follow your heart and express yourself anyway. A relationship is a two-way street; not just the other person but you also need to get something from the relationship.

I want to talk about creating your life. There’s a quote I love, from the poet Mary Oliver, that goes: Some parents do not abuse their children but are so emotionally vulnerable that they rely on their children for support rather than be in the caretaking roles. Children of these parents are said to have been ‘parentified’. One can be parentified by taking on tasks like running errands or cooking, but it is even more damaging to be emotionally parentified. (For an in-depth article on what it means to be parentification, please see here). If you were emotionally parentified, you would constantly be taking care of your parents’ psychological needs. You might be a counsellor, a mediator, or a friend to your parent. You may even fill in a gap left by one of your parents’ absence and stand in as a surrogate partner. When interacting with others, practise simply relaxing in their presence. Try to experiment with not doing anything, saying anything, or impressing anyone. You are not asked to advise, be useful, or advise anyone. Even when others are expressing distress, you can practice ‘just’ listening and offering your quiet presence. This will help you gradually realize that your mere existence is sufficient and that ”doing” has its limits. The world at large has this attitude, “What makes you so special that you think you deserve an extraordinary life?”

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In a healthy relationship, what you exchange is balanced and not overly skewed one way. Thus, you shouldn’t always be the listener or supporter but also have room to ‘take’ other people’s support, listening, and time.