So I explained that since they didn’t know why I had the disease and the steroids clearly weren’t solving anything, I was going to explore other options. Cue him reiterating everything he’d already said, pooh-poohing alternatives, and telling me I didn’t have any options. As I became a freelance writer, then a company director, some of the offers became career opportunities. Again, saying yes by default worked like a dream. It put me in rooms I could never have imagined being in and won me contracts I had no right to win. Even having no money was kind of liberating – it meant I couldn’t lose anything.

The joy of saying no — and how to do it, according to a

This means that we are trained to be afraid of certain things for the correct reasons (putting our hand on a hot stove will burn us). However, it also means that based on how we’ve responded each time we’ve had to, for example, ahem, say no or have boundaries, we might also be disproportionately afraid of failure or pain even though saying no and boundaries aren’t “wrong.” Not feeling our feelings, aside from disrupting our emotional intelligence, also creates stress. We avoid our feelings to not deal with the stress of something, not realizing that this avoidance is a stressor. And the suppressing and repressing of ourselves to please others means we ignore and distrust our wonderful bodies instead of listening to them. We comply to “keep the peace,” not realizing that there’s no peace inside us. And because we’ve gotten so used to being this way, we think we’re “fine,” not realizing we lost our sense of “fine” and our limits a long time ago. Much of what we do, especially when unconscious, painful, and repetitive, is about pleasing whomever we depended on in childhood, trying to right the wrongs of the past to meet unmet needs, and protecting ourselves from the rejection and abandonment we feared or experienced as a child. Patterns occur when we’re living unconsciously, and people pleasing is us being on autopilot mode. We’ve been operating from programming instead of preferences.New year, new no. Say no to blaming yourself for who people are. When you show up authentically and choose to be more you, people being themselves allows you to filter out the wrong relationships and say yes to the right ones. My late acupuncturist and mentor, Silvio Andrade, helped me understand what was going on in my body as I was baffled as to why it felt as though I couldn’t handle additional stress even though I thought I was okay. Sometimes no is the kindest word.” Vironika Tugaleva 20. “You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.” Lori Deschene Each one of the statements I listed at the beginning of the chapter reflects incidences where you don’t say yes consciously or because you truly want or need to but because, on some level, you are afraid or experiencing misplaced and disproportionate guilt, trying to control something, or hoping that you will be rewarded in some way for going along with things. You also do things not because you want to but because it’s what you think is expected of you. If this weren’t the case, you’d say no when you need, want to, or should, or you’d certainly say it a helluva lot more than you have now and in the past.

the joy of no? Burned out and overwhelmed: should you embrace the joy of no?

We learn early on that it’s critical to please your parents and caregivers in whatever form that takes because, well, they “know best” and we depend on them for survival and love. Work hard at school. Be the best. If you’re not the best, be good. Live our dreams, make us proud, don’t embarrass us with the neighbors. Be seen and not heard, keep your feelings to yourself. Stop being so sensitive. Work hard and you will get the grades. Be good and you’ll receive praise, peace, friendship, and relationships, and avoid undesirable outcomes. Do the things we expect of you. Let that relative hug you even though you’re clearly uncomfortable because you will offend them if you don’t. Be “nice” so you’re not seen as aggressive. Be “good” so people don’t think you’re slutty and ruin our reputation. Do you see those things we don’t like about those other people? Don’t do that. When you get the grades, you’ll get into university or get a job. From there, you’ll get the money, the home, the relationship, and the kids. Basically, be good and you will be a success. The oldest, shortest words –‘yes’ and ‘no’– are those which require the most thought.” Pythagoras 5. “One key to successful relationships is learning to say no without guilt, so that you can say yes without resentment.” Bill Crawford Sounds reasonable until she mentioned her mentor is an acupuncturist. This is not a therapist, or a professional. She went to a second rate school in London for a degree in industrial design and decided to start podcasting about boundaries. There is not much science in this book. A lot of anecdotes and made up models for behavior. The body doesn’t like conflicts and lies. It needs you to tell the truth so you can be okay and well. Appearing as if what you do doesn’t bother or hurt you, or take as much effort as it does, or that you are without needs, means people have no idea you’re drowning, all while you might feel unseen and unheard. It takes a toll when what you project and portray on the outside is at odds with how you truly feel on the inside.

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The Age of Obedience didn’t teach nuance; it taught unconditional compliance. Specifically, it taught the criticalness of obeying anybody with authority over you, which in childhood, is anyone whom you perceived to have power over you. This meant that we learned about “stranger danger” in the form of a kidnapper or creepy figure with a bag of candy, but no one explained that thanks to all our obedience training, not only could strangers invoke the same fear, guilt, and compliance as loved ones, but also that often the people we needed danger awareness about were people whom we automatically trusted and revered because of their status and profession, such as priests, teachers, police officers, family friends, and extended family. The amygdala, the part of brain that manages fear, loves patterns so much that it prefers the familiar uncomfortable to the “danger” of the unfamiliar and is ever ready to protect us. That’s why much as we might moan about rules, we rely on them because they give us a false sense of control, even though being unconditionally compliant means that we wind up feeling more guilty and afraid. Her patients tell her, she says, that “they cannot continue living at the pace they’re living at”, but at the same time, they cannot stop – they cannot say no. When she hears these words, Andrew begins thinking about “the core beliefs underneath people’s inability to say no”. When patients describe struggling to refuse to take on extra responsibilities at work, she says there is often an underlying fear that others will think they are not trying hard enough, an underlying fear that they are not good enough. That compulsive “yes” also forms part of a precarious solution to their self-doubt, she says, as, unconsciously: “They use this constant striving to make themselves feel better, to get that buzz from achieving things.” Natalie Lue is a leading voice on healthy boundaries. This is a beautiful, compassionate resource. Highly recommend it to you.'