Also extremely irksome was the very commonly American style of presumptuous Christian proselytising (that said, I do think this American habit/ tendency is declining over recent years as respect for the differing views of others has grown, so perhaps, in this case, it is also a mark of an earlier era as the book was written in the '80s). I have been more involved with Buddhist practice and philosophy in my life, though I only really got into that when I found a Teacher who was as equally interested and engaged as I was with recognising what all Faith systems share. I was already in love with Hildegard von Bingen, and rather fond of St Claire and St Francis (I spent some time visiting a rural nunnery built alongside a monastery dedicated to these two). I have long loved mystical and contemplative Christian work. I have loved reading Matthew Fox and Thomas Merton, among others. Some of my role models are priests and nuns whose Christianity informs their social care work. I have my own relationship with God. And my God is NOT the God Melody Beattie frequently describes. And the issue here is not that I care about Melody Beattie's God specifically, but that a relationship with God - including not having such a relationship - is deeply personal and that I feel her manner of speaking about HER God is incredibly presumptuous (I've used that word a lot in this review, haven't I) and therefore disrespectful and inappropriate. When I wondered how I, a nonexpert, could write a book like that, I took comfort by telling myself that it was okay to say what I thought because only a few people would read it anyway. I also spent a great deal of time on the introduction, striving not only to introduce the book, but to introduce the concept of codependency - the word - to a world that, for the most part, had not heard about it. I do not agree that any healing is dependent on having a belief in any God, Higher Power or set steps. In my humble, imperfect, but conscientiously observed opinion, it is dependent on a deeply honest, deeply caring uncovering of both our personal layers of trauma and our inherent intelligence and wisdom. As far as I'm concerned, if anyone tries to tell you you need God, 12 Steps and Higher Power to heal, then I suggest running the other way because they are likely attempting some form of evangelical conversion - a form of violence completely antithetical to healing. The book is a little outdated, and though Melody strives to stay neutral when referring to gender roles, there's definitely a bias towards the male alcoholic and the stay at home wife codependent trying to fix him. There's also quite a lot of (unnecessary) religious bias, which of course the 12-step program relies heavily on. A pioneering voice in self-help literature and the recovery movement,Melody Beattieis the author ofmany bestselling books—including The Language of Letting Go,Playing It by Heart,The Grief Club,Beyond Codependency, andThe Codependent No More Workbook .

I don’t need someone to blame. I realize I would give my opinion unsolicited, telling my ex what she could or should do at work when she was promoted into a management position. I recognized “a need” for the communication and management skills I’d been reading about. Wrong. I don’t know what she needed to experience in her journey. The book contains many quotes from the Twelve Step model and makes many references to God and a Higher Power. The Twelve Step references seemed appropriate at first but I didn't expect to see chapter(s) dedicated to the program. While the parts about the Twelve Step Program offer a good preview for those considering meetings for codependents, it started feeling like a sales pitch. I could have done without so many theistic references, and even though the author states that these references are spiritual but not religious, they felt religious.I was first introduced to the term "codependent" by my therapist a little over a year ago. I remember being flabberghasted. "NOT ME! I'm the most financially independent woman there is. I don't need a man or anyone for that matter!" Relieved to end the daily batterings but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled. " Congragulations." he said, " you have graduated ". You know now everything you need to know."

I was very skeptical at first, as the author is a firm believer in the 12-step program, whose principles I do not adhere to nor find useful. I feel conflicted in giving this a rating as the good stuff is at 4-5, but the stuff that bothered me - which was unfortunately a lot - was around 1-2 . I'm going to give it a 3 at this point, as I do think there are some really good insights that I felt were beneficial. But there are also a lot of holes and incredible overemphasis on alcoholism and 12 Step program dogma, which I happen to feel strongly contain elements that are damaging and limiting in their approach and perspective. I cannot ethically support that view. It was also very presumptuously Christian. I feel annoyed and disrespected in light of these perspectives being so heavily 'pushed' - from the cover I had no idea that this was so primary to the entire contents of the book.You can find a wide spectrum of people who run through life without a compass, always seeking comfort and approval. Different theories exist about what causes this obsession to surface, but we are interested in more than just theories. First, you have to understand the group of people that is prone to this way of life. They exhibit insecure submissiveness and, almost always, you can see them prioritize their feelings. Though I may not struggle with an abusive alcoholic, I still struggle with the internal doubts and feelings of self worthlessness. I have learned that I do not need to immerse myself so deeply in someone else’s life that I lose myself. I can keep my individuality while sharing my life with another. If we have conflicting views…that’s alright.

This experience has been a struggle to admit that I felt insecure. I’d questioned my confidence when we were together, and behaviors I thought were dependable were enabling. To process my codependent behavior and understand my contribution to that behavior in my relationships, I begin by journaling,Detaching does not mean we don’t care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy.” A deep mental impasse also comes about when people believe that being angry is a sin. Let us lay some things that codependents are convinced that: The activities in this workbook are definitely therapeutic. Everyone is going to have a different way of approaching these activities and getting through this book. For me, I didn't accomplish all the tasks, but it still gave me a wider view of my needs with what I read. I am fully aware that this is a book that one will need to go through multiple times - for the reminders and the activities - but that's recovery; either from codependency, depression, anxiety - really - any mental illness, or a tough chapter. It's baby steps and reminders. Get through this book once, obtain what you can. Process, work the steps the best you can, then do it all over again.

This leads to the next talking point that codependents are not attached solely to people but to the environmental situations as well. They are somewhat compelled to put the feelings of others above theirs with total disregard for their interests. They are known for their habit of overcomplicating things and pondering excessively on whether they should have done something differently or not. Moreover, codependents are vulnerable to criticism even though they spend most of their time wallowing in self-analysis. They don’t feel insecure before the opportunity to beat complex systems using any means necessary. Vertimas. Nėra jis labai blogas, visur eina suprast apie ką kalbama, bet vietomis smarkiai nesušukuotas / nedaredaguotas. Visaip nutinka su tom knygom, bet kai skaitai antrą leidimą ir nežinia kelintą tiražą, nervuoja. Pvz: Kartais gyvenant su alkoholiku, lyg ir neturinčiu didelių problemų, pavyzdžiui, negeriančiu, nedalyvaujančiu jokioje sveikimo programoje, mūsų "aš" gali būti daug sunkiau nei tada, kai problemos būna baisesnės. (p. 262)What is codependency? In Codependent No More, Melody says, “the heart of the definition and recovery lies not in the other person-no matter how much we believe it does. It lies in ourselves, in the ways we have let other people’s behavior affect us and in the ways we try to affect them.” Melody believes that emotional, mental, and spiritual health can never be taught. The only thing you can do actually to motivate a person or to encourage them is to take certain actions. Melody argues that codependents are not even aware that the atmosphere surrounding them radiates their addiction.