Repressing our emotions creates anxiety and stress, and stress, like most of our emotions is often treated like some unwanted waste that must be removed. Until all of the emotions are accepted indiscriminately (and acceptance does not imply license to dump emotions irresponsibly or abusively), there can be no wholeness, no real sense of well being, and no solid sense of self esteem. Perfectionism causes us endless painful fantasies that others find us as wanting as we do, and deprive us of the irreplaceable pleasure of fully being ourselves in company" (29). Somatization injures the body through a third dynamic: the chronic tightening of the body's musculature to avoid feeling. Muscular contraction against feeling is a physiological form of self-hatred. It is a vicious way to saying no to healthy aspects of the self" (65). The repression of the so-called negative polarities of emotion causes much unnecessary pain, as well as the loss of many essential aspects of the feeling nature. In fact, much of the plethora of loneliness, alienation, and addictive distraction that plagues modern America is a result of being taught and forced to reject, pathologize or punish so many of our own and others; normal feeling states. Nowhere, not in the deepest recesses of the self, or in the presence of one's closest friends, is the average person allowed to have and explore any number of normal emotional states. Anger, depression, envy, sadness, fear, distrust, etc., are all as normal a part of life as bread and flowers and streets; yet they have become ubiquitously avoided and shameful human experiences. How tragic this is, for all of these emotions have enormously important and healthy functions in a wholly integrated psyche. One dimension where this is most true is in the arena of healthy self protection. For without access to our dysphoric feelings, we are deprived of the most fundamental part of our ability to notice when something is unfair, abusive, or neglectful in our environments. Those who cannot feel their sadness often do not know when they are being unfairly excluded, and those who cannot feel their normal angry or fearful responses to abuse, are often in danger of putting up with it without protest.

self residing in the unconscious still waiting for the safety and nurturance it needs to come forth The author regularly dips into his own horrific childhood to show how shut down and damaged he became and then recounts his lifelong adult journey of reclaiming his full range of emotions with honest accounts of his mistakes and relapses.

Customer reviews

The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness Out of Blame, has been acclaimed by many therapists and clients as a powerful, compassionate and pragmatic tool for guiding recovery. Alice Miller, author of The Drama of the Gifted Child, wrote: “Pete Walker wrote a book about his own recovery from emotional numbness. The author passionately explores as thoroughly as possible the role of emotions in human life. The result is not only a moving, honest recount but also an informative guide for people who want to become more aware of their buried feelings. Walker’s well explained concept of ‘reparenting’ will help them go through this fascinating process in a safe, protected way.” The Tao of fully feeling: Harvesting forgiveness out of blame by Pete Walker – eBook Details Pete's new book, Homesteading in the Calm Eye of the Storm: A Therapist Navigates his CPTSD, is a companion book to his COMPLEX PTSD book. It is a Memoir of his journey of recovering, written in a more playful, easier-to-read style than his other books. It is poignant and humorous, and relatively free of psychological jargon. This is a very helpful and wise book on helping people damaged in childhood recover their full range of feelings. Pete Walker rightly argues that we can’t just select some emotions we want to feel, such as happiness, and refuse to feel other more “negative” emotions such as anger.

I'm only about 3 hours in and this is a very easy book to listen to, I'm finding it easier listening than his first book which was very intense I guess. This is kind of soothing for somebody whose parents never listened, and used shame and manipulation to keep me in line. We're estranged at the moment and they will only make up if I accept their narrative that they're perfect and I'm to blame. I am listening to this relating to a lot.

Pete Walker is a licensed psychotherapist, MFC 25210, with degrees in Social Work and Counseling Psychology. He is a "general practitioner" who has a private practice in Berkeley, California, in the serene Claremont Hotel neighborhood. He has been working as a counselor, lecturer, writer and group leader for thirty-five years, and as a supervisor and consultant of other therapists for 20 years.

The imaginative reconstruction of our parents' childhoods sometimes stimulates us to grieve for their losses. We may experience a very profound healing by letting ourselves cry for them, and by allowing ourselves to feel angry about how their parents hurt them. This is sometimes difficult to do because many of us had grandparents who were kind to us in a way they never were with our parents.... Most of us hold a part of our parents' grief about their childhood abandonment. When we mournfully protest our mom and dad's unfair suffering, we are also championing the us in them that lost so much because of grandma and grandpa's poor parenting. When we grieve deeply for our parents, this feeling of sorrow for them sometimes expands into genuine feelings of forgiveness" (222-3). This book is a handbook for increasing your emotional intelligence. Moreover, if you are a survivor of a dysfunctional family, it is a guide for repairing the damage done to your emotional nature in childhood. As such it is actually a sequel to my later book: Complex PTSD from Surviving To Thriving. The Tao of Fully Feeling focuses primarily on the emotional healing level of trauma recovery. It is a safe handbook for grieving losses of childhood. Whether or not you are a childhood trauma survivor, this book is a guide to emotional health. The degree of our mental health is often reflected in the degree to which we love and respect ourselves and others in a myriad of different feeling states. Real self-esteem and real intimacy with others depends on the ability to lovingly be there for oneself and others, whether one's feeling experience is pleasant or unpleasant. Those who can only be there for themselves or another during the "good" times show no constancy, inspire little trust, and are only fair weather friends to themselves and others. Without access to our dysphoric feelings, we are deprived of the most fundamental part of our ability to notice when something is unfair, abusive, or neglectful. Those who cannot feel their sadness often do not know when they are being unfairly excluded, and those who cannot feel their normal angry or fearful responses to abuse, are often in danger of putting up with it without protest. Repressing our emotions creates anxiety and stress, and stress, like most of our emotions is often treated like some unwanted waste that must be removed. Until all of the emotions are accepted indiscriminately (and acceptance does not imply license to dump emotions irresponsibly or abusively), there can be no wholeness, no real sense of well being, and no solid sense of self esteem. Thus, while it may be fairly easy to like oneself when feelings of love, happiness or serenity are present, deeper psychological health is seen only in the individual who can maintain a posture of self-compassion and self-respect in the times of emotional hurt that accompany life's inevitable losses, disappointments and unforeseen difficulties. Finally this book explores the nature and limits of real forgiveness - identifying behaviors and people who cannot authentically be forgiven. Most individuals, who choose or are coerced into only identifying with "positive" feelings, usually wind up in an emotionally lifeless middle ground - bland, deadened, and dissociated in an unemotional "no-man's-land." Moreover, when an individual tries to hold onto a preferred feeling for longer than its actual tenure, s/he often appears as unnatural and phony as ersatz grass or plastic flowers. If instead, s/he learns to surrender willingly to the normal human experience that: good feelings always ebb and flow, s/he will eventually be graced with a growing ability to renew the self in the vital waters of emotional flexibility.Survivors who are still in denial about the dysfunctionality of their families should not be blamed or shamed. The blinders of denial had to be used for many years. Many of us have become habituated to them, and I know many survivors of savage abuse who honestly believe their parents took good care of them. How much harder then is it for those who 'only' suffered emotional neglect to understand how seriously they were deprived?" (18). Many survivors grow more attractive as they learn to accept their feelings and become more authentic. Authenticity allows them to release the facial tension and postural contortion that accompanies emotional repression and forced smiling" (137). This book is a handbook for increasing your emotional intelligence. Moreover, if you are a survivor of a dysfunctional family, it is a guide for repairing the damage done to your emotional nature in childhood. As such it is actually a sequel to my later book: Complex PTSD from Surviving To Thriving. The Tao of Fully Feeling focuses primarily on the emotional healing level of trauma recovery. It is a safe handbook for grieving losses of childhood. This book is an in-depth exploration on how we can safely open ourselves up to these difficult “negative” emotions, and therefore enrich our lives. Pete Walker examines rage, grief, blame and shame - emotions that many of us struggle with. There are no pat answers or easy solutions offered. I found his advice and insights profound and humane. I find that Pete Walker's books go hand-in-hand. "The Tao of Fully Feeling..." articulates the what, our states and what needs to happen to move towards a healthier self. "Complex PTSD" explains the how; now that you know what's needed, how in the hell do you do it? Both excellent reads.