We get this sexism full-on when Glover outright blames “radical feminism” and its message “that men were bad and/or unnecessary,” which “furthered the belief of many men that if they wanted to be loved and get their needs met, they had to become what they believed women wanted them to be” and “for many men, this meant trying to hide any traits that might cause them to be labeled as ‘bad’ men. The effect is an anemic supply of therapists, far below demand, most of which consumed by hacks, quacks, and sub-par professionals.

I am left to evaluate him just on a basis of philosophy and personal experience and the pertinent science I can reference, which is hardly scientific; I don’t need his book to do that. He said he does CBT, but after about five sessions and not the slightest hint of CBT, I terminated the relationship. I am not sure it is an asset or a defect that his dubious causal model amounts to saying that Nice Guys are acting like children, that they have not grown up and don’t know what it means to act like an adult. In dog obedience school we learned that if you want an undesirable behavior to go away, you stop paying attention to it. When it doesn't seem that he is getting as much as he gives or he isn't getting what he expected, he feels frustrated and resentful.And everyone needs to learn how to recognize when they are in a bad relationship, with a partner they really should not be with. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential. Good sex occurs when two people focus on their own pleasure, passion, and arousal, and stay connected to those same things in their partner. His profile can be imagined to fit anyone who fits any part of it, and his causal model can sound like something true for anyone, if you simply imagine that a single instance of mistaken self-blame at any age satisfies it.

Men do not choose to “not” get an erection; the cause can be anything from stress or anxiety to low blood pressure, or even, let’s be honest, a plain lack of sexual arousal. I define personal power as a state of mind in which a person is confident he can handle whatever may come. This would lift some of the load, by actually giving citizens some of the actual skills to “suck it up” as society And for everyone you keep in your life, endeavor to see and feel things from their point of view and not just your own; and choose as your friends and partners those who do the same in turn. There is some trite “love yourself for who you are” psychobabble here, which has the merit of being sort of true, but easily misconstrued as saying something just as toxic as the attitudes Glover is trying to correct.

That in mind, if you think you need help with this, the books I’d recommend actually start with Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Which probably comes down again to money: good studies, good methods, large and genuinely randomized samples, all cost money, and no one really funds psychology (as opposed to, say, medicine, chemistry, physics, climatology—pretty much every other science).Which means when you don’t have good data—as with most of psychology—you are really just doing a disciplined form of philosophy. Recovering Nice Guys can begin to accept these men for who they were and are – wounded human beings. There simply is no evidence women aren’t up to the task of teaching their sons to be good and competent men, nor even that any significant number of men have only women teaching them that.

In one of the best selling self-help books of all time, Peck addresses issues of discipline, love and spirituality. A nice guy will frequently avoid doing anything that might upset his partner and cause her to not want to have sex with him. Glover never explains what the difference would be between a legitimate, healthy, productive, and appropriate parental chastisement, punishment, or criticism, and whatever he imagines is causing “toxic shame” and thus “Nice Guy Syndrome. In relationships, a life–and–death struggle is played out to bounce their fear of vulnerability with their fear of isolation. Affirmations are only effective when used along with other processes that help change the nice guy’s core beliefs.Yet toxic ideas about masculinity driving their dysfunction are more frequently going to come from men than from women, don’t you think?