Diagnostic question #20. Is there a clearly formulated, passionately held difference between you that has to do with the shape and texture and quality of your life as you actually experience it? Diagnostic question #2: Has there been more than one incident of physical violence in your relationship? Few have written with such common sense and clarity about how to come out of the trap of ambivalence in marriage. I’ve recommended the book to colleagues and clients.”—Cloé Madanes, co-founder, The Family Therapy Institute Do you have a basic, recurring, never-completely-going-away feeling of humiliation or invisibility in your relationship? If you’re having trouble coming up with your bottom lines, say this to yourself: “Even though I love my partner and even though I’d rather be in a relationship than be alone, there are some things that if they were going on would mean I just could no longer be happy or at peace in this relationship.” Then let yourself imagine what those things are for you and put them on the list.

But don’t get this wrong: the author is not encouraging you to leave and actually has great suggestions on how to improve things. But I feel that unconditional giving as a last resort is worth trying because it helps break possible vicious circles. PROS Diagnostic question #26. Do you feel that your partner, overall and more often than not, shows concrete support for and genuine interest in the things you’re trying to do that are important to you?That is, love is a feeling based on reality. The problem arises when people are ambivalent about their relationship. Should I stay or should I go? One another reason people struggle with their decision is that they still love their partner. And that’s where emotions take over. Diagnostic question #29. Is there a demonstrated capacity and mechanism for genuine forgiveness in your relationship?

You never do what you say you’re going to do.” This is where the issue of trust comes up in relationships. When people make agreements and then break them, the relationship is not only a place of fighting and deprivation, it’s a place of betrayal. Is there a clearly formulated, passionately held difference between you that has to do with the shape and texture and quality of your life as you actually experience it? If God or some omniscient being said it was okay to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and have a strong sense that finally you could end your relationship? Diagnostic question: If all the problems in your relationship were solved today, would you still feel ambivalent? These then are the four mechanisms that make people feel it’s just too hard to get their needs met:

13. Issue: Post-Relationship Options

This problem your partner has that makes you want to leave; have you tried to let it go, ignore it, stop letting it bother you? And were you successful? Psychotherapist Mira Kirshenbaum draws on years of research and her work with real-life couples to help you make the right decision. She shows you how to diagnose your unique situation with self-analysis and questions like these, which get to the very heart of your problems: Diagnostic question #22. With your new, more complete, more realistic set of information about what it would be like for you if you left, have you discovered new, more probable realities that now make leaving seem impossibly difficult or unpleasant?

For any relationship, the book gives practical steps to follow for determination about whether or not to stay in a relationship. Some questions focus on qualities that make a relationship a positive experience: Do you have an unique sexual attraction to your partner? Is there a demonstrated capacity and mechanism for genuine forgiveness in your relationship? If my partner did......................................................................................... ...then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship How do your relatives feel about what you’re wanting to do? Will they provide moral support? Perhaps more important, will they actually deliver the practical or financial support they might have been promising?

Success!

A few questions focus on signs that you've made up your mind, but just haven't realized it yet: If God give you permission to leave the relationship, would you be relieved? Have you already made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that definately excludes your partner? When distance is safer than closeness, you don’t have a relationship #13. If All Problems Disappeared With your new, more complete, more realistic set of information about what it would be like for you if you left, have you discovered new, more probable realities that now make leaving seem easier, more attractive and make staying no longer desirable? Relationships never 'just' exist. Both partners nees to put in sufficient time, attention and effort to make it work, or to keep on making it work. This book can help with that, as it offers practical questions with regards to the status of the relationship. In that regard each relationship can benefit from the book, 'good' or 'bad'.

Diagnostic question #28. Whatever was done that caused hurt and betrayal, do you have the sense that the pain and damage have lessened with time? Have you already made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that definitely excludes your partner? Something else personal: I found the Dutch translation mediocre at best. Sentences weren't fluent, and at times I wanted to grab the original English version. A wise, compassionate, and very readable book. It will bless many lives.”—Rabbi Harold Kushner, author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People The majority of question focus on "deal-breakers", or characteristics that predict an unhappy relationship: Has there been more than one incident of physical violence in your relationship? Do you have a basic, recurring, never-completely-going-away feeling of humiliation or invisibility in your relationship? Have you gotten to the point, when your partner says something, that you usually feel it's more likely that they are lying than they are telling the truth?The more we try to weigh the mountain of facts and feelings we’ve accumulated, the more confused we get. The more confused we feel, the less we trust ourselves. The less we trust ourselves, the more we feel we have to wait, allowing more confusing evidence to pile up. This is where relationship ambivalence becomes a self-perpetuating trap.” 4. Issue: If You’ve Already Decided to Leave