This is What It Should Look Like, by Liz My friend met a guy who had just broken up with his girlfriend two weeks before, after living with her for three years. She thought that she was just going to be his “rebound” romance. He thought she may be that as well. But even though he could have used the excuse that he wasn’t ready yet, because he had “just gotten out of something,” he didn’t. Because he was really into her, he never let her feel that he wasn’t available to her. They are now in a serious relationship. Reset Your Standards Sure, you say, “But I have standards.” Well, your standards led you to this book, so let’s raise them. Let’s set a dignified bar for you to exist at. Let’s put you in charge with how it’s going to go next time. (But you ask, “What if there isn’t going to be a next time?” And we say, “Stow that bad-news cargo on the sure-to-sink ship. Because that ship is about to hit Sad Island and we don’t want you on it.”) A standard is setting a level for yourself of what you will or won’t tolerate. You get to decide how it’s going to be for you. You can now design the person you want to be in the future, and the standards you want to have. Write your new standards down so you’ll never ever forget them, no matter how cute he is or how long it’s been since you’ve had sex. (Okay, we admit it, some of our workbook things were a little silly, but this one we mean.) Make sure you know what you stand for and what you believe in. And because we obviously think we know better than you (we got a book deal, didn’t we?), we’re going to give you some standard suggestions. - 42 - This is where I have to put my practicing Catholic hat on and say, “This is definitely not always true.” Especially if the person has religious, moral, and other reasons for which they don’t want to have sex with you (until a certain time). Moreover, people’s attitudes to sex differs greatly and like it or not, the way people view sex can be a deal-breaker. But in my observation of secular society, sometimes it’s the people who want to wait, that are actually really into you. So again, this piece of advice depends heavily on the values and perspectives of the individuals involved. 5. “He’s just not that into you If he’s having sex with someone else.” It’s So Simple Sadly, I can’t be with you ladies all the time, fending off all the bad excuses, and, thereby, bad men that come your way. But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored. Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook Hey, what’s a self-help tome without a workbook? Our chapters will all be so brave and wise that we want to make sure you retain as much of the brilliance as you can. So for all of you who feel the need to get out of your problems and into your crayon box, have at it. Love, Greg and Liz Remember in grade school how they told you not to write in your textbooks? Screw that! Grab a pen and list five reasons why you think you have every right or good reason to call him. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Put the book aside and wait an hour. Or at least ten minutes. Then ask yourself: Do I seem pathetic? Do I sound like someone who doesn’t trust my own innate hotness? Yes, you do! Now put your dialing finger away, get out of the house, and go find some fun. P.S.: You just did a workbook exercise about a guy who hasn’t even extended to you the energy of a phone call. Why would you want to chase that down?

He’s Just Not That Into You - If He’s Not Dating You “Hanging Out” is Not Dating Oh, there seem to be so many variations to dating, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. So many gray, murky areas of vagueness, mystery, and no questions asked. Dudes love this time because that’s when they get to pretend they’re not really dating you. Then they also get to pretend they’re not really responsible for your feelings. When you ask someone out on a real bonafide date, you’re making it official: I’d like to see you alone to find out if we have a romantic future together (or at least pretend to listen to you while I ponder whether you’re wearing a thong). In case you need more clues: There’s usually a public excursion, a meal, and some hand-holding involved.

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The “But He’s Really a Good Person” Excuse Dear Greg, I never thought I’d be in this situation. I know you’re not supposed to date married men, but here I am. I met him at a conference out of town, but ended up seeing him for work reasons in the city I live in. We fell in love and one thing led to another. We see each other whenever he’s in town, which is often. It would be easy to think all the bad things I should think about this situation, except for the fact that he is a kind, good man. He has never done anything like this before. And he never says anything bad about his wife. We are deeply in love. I’m thirty-six years old and I have never in my life felt anything this powerful before. He says the same thing, too. He talks about leaving his wife, but he has two young children, and this would be devastating to them. He is tortured by it all. I feel awful, and yet I also believe I deserve to feel this kind of love. And if it feels so huge, it must be real and meant to be. This isn’t the typical dating-a-married-guy story, Greg. This is me. And it feels completely different. Belinda FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Other Woman, Hey, smart girl. Good for you to know you deserve to feel a powerful and profound love. I just think you should have it with someone who’s actually yours. There’s plenty of guys out there. Why not get one of your own? Sure, okay, sometimes people fall out of love, marry the wrong person, are overcome with passion, or make bad choices, all of which can result in an affair. Here’s how you and Ring Finger Fred can handle this situation now: Stop seeing each other; let him figure out his life. If he ends up staying with his wife, then you would have been that girl who was having an affair with the guy who was never planning on leaving his wife. If he does leave his wife, then you can start a life with him not based in shame. This is no joke, and I’m not even going to try to be glib (even if I was a little in the letter above). You want love and you want to be loved and you think you’ve finally found it. But he’s married. Please try not to ignore that fact. He’s married to someone else. I know you’re different, and it’s different, but the fact is, he’s still married. If there’s only one red flag you are unable to ignore in your entire life, please make it this one. There’s simply too much at stake for everyone involved. You Are All Dating the Same Guy Hey. I know that guy you’re dating. Yeah, I do. He’s that guy that’s so tired from work, so stressed about the project he’s working on. He’s just been through an awful breakup and it’s really hitting him hard. His parents’ divorce has scarred him and he has trust issues. Right now he has to focus on his career. He can’t get involved with anyone until he knows what his life is about. He just got a new apartment and the move is a bitch. As soon as it all calms down he’ll leave his wife, girlfriend, crappy job. God, he’s so complicated. He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life. Are there men who are too busy or have been through something so horrible that makes it hard for them to get involved? Yes, but there are so few of them that they should be considered urban legends. For as already suggested, a man would rather be trampled by elephants that are on fire than tell you that he’s just not that into you. That’s why we’ve written this book. We wanted to get the excuses out of the closet, so to speak, so they can be seen for exactly what they are: really bad excuses. Hey—do you remember that movie when the girl waited around for the guy to ask her out, then made excuses when he didn’t? Then she slept with him when they were both drunk, and basically just hung around until they were kind of dating? Then he cheated on her, but because she knew deep down inside that if she forgave him and kept her expectations low and was really agreeable that she’d get him in the end? He was drunk at the wedding but they lived miserably ever after in an unsatisfying relationship that was built on a shitty foundation? You don’t? That’s because those movies don’t get made, because that’s not what love is like. People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love. Big movies are made about it, and every relationship you admire bursts with a greatness that you hope for in your own life. And the more you value yourself, the more chance you’ll have of getting it. So read these excuses, have a laugh, and then…put them all to rest. You’re worth it.

Now What Do You Do? Okay. We just laid waste to your personal lives. We admit it. If all the women in this book listened to these answers, there would right now be a fresh crop of newly single women out there. Therefore, it seems like it’s our duty to discuss what one must do after the breakup. We’re not psychiatrists or very girly (particularly Liz), so we’re not going to talk about candles and bubble baths and sending yourself flowers. But I think we could ask you to at least try to notice, even just a tiny bit, how good it feels to be out of a relationship with someone who actually wasn’t that into you. Can you at least feel that sense of relief? When you think about it, making all those excuses for someone and trying to “figure someone out” takes up a lot of energy. Think of all the time you’ve opened up for so many other more positive things besides obsessing over him. Yes, breakups are painful, even from someone you may have only dated a few times. You may have been really excited about him and had a lot of hopes for the future. But how empowering to have the mental clarity to say, “He just wasn’t that into me.” Can you imagine that girl in the future? Nothing will be able to stop her! Now, there’s a million things you can do after a breakup; what you do during that time—yoga, affirmation tapes, murder—is your business. But basically you’re going to have to feel the pain, you’re going to have to go through it, and then you’re going to have to get over it. All we can try to do in this book is help you do it differently in the future. The first thing we’re going to recommend is setting some standards. IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG 100% of guys polled said they have never accidentally slept with anyone. (But many of them wanted to know how this accident could occur, and how they can get involved in such an accident.) Greg, I Get It! by Sandy, Age 33 I was dating this guy for a year and a half. We’d had a few conversations about marriage. One day I realized that all the conversations we’d had about marriage were started by me. “Sure,” he always replied, “you are my soul mate. I’m so passionate about you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, blah, blah, blah.” When I’d asked him flat out, “Do you want to marry me?” he’d say, “Yeah, I would like to.” Then it dawned on me—I had never heard the words “I want to marry you” come out of his mouth. Literally, the day I had this revelation, I dumped him. Needless to say, I’m so much happier now dating guys who in the first week say, “Wow, I can’t believe you’re not married. You’re great.” Greg, I Get It! by Dorrie, Age 32 I was dating a guy I met on a job. We had to spend a lot of time together and it was really romantic getting to know him and working with him. After the job ended, we’d still get together and go on dates and kiss good night. This went on for two months. He would never take it any farther. But in the meantime I met his family, went to big functions with him, made plans with him. It was like we were seriously dating, but without the sex. I knew he hadn’t been in a relationship for a long time, so I thought he was just taking it slow. But then I realized, Greg, after the third month, that he was getting to feel intimate with me without actually being intimate with me. I got up the nerve to ask him if this was how it was going to continue, and he started blubbering and stammering about relationships and how scary they are and whatever. I got out of there and fast, because I realized, no matter how nice he was to me, and how intimate we were pretending to be, he was just not that into me and I wanted more.

Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with. You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time. (You have to be nice to them, too.) There’s never a reason to shout at someone unless they are in imminent danger. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith. What other choice is there? This is What It Should Look Like, by Liz A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it. Imagine what this woman would have done with a boyfriend who cheated on her? P.S.: One could say she cleared the path for the next guy, who didn’t blow it and is now married to her and treats her like a queen. The “But We Really Are Dating” Excuse Dear Greg, I’ve been dating a guy for three months. We spend four or five nights a week together. We go to events together. He calls me when he says he’s going to and never flakes out on me. We’re having a great time. He recently informed me that he doesn’t want to be anyone’s boyfriend and isn’t ready for a serious relationship. But I know he’s not dating anyone else. I think he’s just scared of the term “boyfriend.” Greg, I’m always hearing that women should listen to men’s actions, not their words. So doesn’t that mean I should just ignore him and be secure in the fact that he wants to spend all this time with me— that no matter what he’s actually saying, the truth is he’s really into me? Keisha Guys tell you how they feel even if you refuse to listen or believe them. “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship” truly means “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship with you” or “I’m not sure that you’re the one.” (Sorry.) Better than nothing is not good enough for you! If you don’t know where the relationship is going, it’s okay to pull over and ask. Murky? Not good. There’s a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he’s your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.

He’s married. Unless he’s all yours, he’s still hers. There are cool, loving single men in the world. Find one of them to go out with. If a guy is yelling about his ex-wife or crying over his last girlfriend, try to find someone else to take you to the movies. He’s married. Don’t be that girl. You are not easily forgotten. Let him find you when he’s ready.

PDF / EPUB File Name: Hes_Just_Not_That_Into_You_-_Greg_Behrendt.pdf, Hes_Just_Not_That_Into_You_-_Greg_Behrendt.epub Get a bright red crayon. Color in this flag. You’ve just made a big red flag. Good, because that’s what a man not wanting to have sex with you is. Now put down the crayon and go get yourself some good loving. Before He’s Just Not That Into You was a corny movie with star-studded actors and actresses, it was a corny book that I am apparently unashamed to tell the world I own. No matter how much this book can be critiqued – and it can and has been, mercilessly – I still think some of it is just flat-out honest reality. And yes, maybe that reality is subjective, culturally and generationally specific, and all the rest. But I did read the book again recently, which is five years from when I initially bought it, and ten years from its original publishing date. So in honor of ten years of the book being if not culturally relevant, at least rhetorically influential, I thought I’d review the given advice: 1. “He’s just not that into you If he’s not asking you out.” It’s So Simple If you are in a mutually established monogamous relationship, then when someone cheats on you, they have decided to blatantly disrespect a very important decision you two made together. They’ve chosen to do this without your knowledge, thereby adding lies and secrecy to your relationship. Let’s call cheating what it is: a complete betrayal of trust. Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out and they’re working it out on your time and with your heart. Some cheaters might give you an excuse, some might not have one at all, some might even blame you. No one can tell you exactly what to do when faced with this very complicated and painful situation. But the bottom line is, is this what you had hoped for in a relationship? - 20 -

The “But I’ve Gotten Fat” Excuse Dear Greg, I had been dating a guy for about two years, and I thought things were going really well. After he came home from a family visit, he told me he slept with someone he met at a bar. I was devastated and asked him why he did it. He told me I had put on some weight and therefore he wasn’t that attracted to me anymore. I’m confused. He’s right. I have put on about twenty pounds. Should I break up with him or start going to the gym? Beth - 19 - This is What It Should Look Like, by Liz I have a lady friend whose boyfriend had just moved cross country to live with her, and we were all out having drinks. We got on the subject of marriage, and he went on a huge diatribe of how he didn’t believe in marriage. He grew up in an environment where there was crazy pressure to get married, and all he saw were unhappy, unhealthy marriages. My friend was surprised by this strong reaction, and fairly upset about it. She wasn’t an intensely marriage-minded gal, but she always thought it was going to be an option. She gave it a good deal of thought and realized that what she really wanted was just to be with this man, who had just moved his entire life to be with her. So she got used to the idea that she would never be married. A year later he proposed, because he realized he was in love with her and knew it was something that was important to her. There is no excuse for seeking out the attention of someone else when you’re in a committed relationship. This is a sure sign that he isn’t into you, even if he was once before. Here’s Why This One is Hard, by Liz Because it’s you—not someone you read about or heard about or saw on TV. It’s you and it’s hard. And you deserve happiness just like his wife or his girlfriend does. And sometimes people get married before they’ve actually met the person they’re meant to be with. Or marriages just die and there’s nothing left to them. And if they’re not married, but somehow deeply distracted by someone else, well, most men are usually coming out of some situation while they get into the next one…so why not hang on for dear life until he shakes off his ex? The operative word in both cases here is “wait.” You have to do the waiting—the biding your time, biting your tongue, keeping your needs quiet. He’s so special, that guy. He deserves to have you sit around, putting your life on hold, not getting what you want, while he takes his time sorting it all out. He’s that special. You, of course, aren’t at all. Now, I happen to be really good at biding my time and asking for little and being happy with the even less that I get. I haven’t personally dated a married man, but I am an expert in dating emotionally unavailable ones. I have to be honest—it feels really noble and romantic and dramatic to be filled with longing and heartache, knowing the man you love, for whatever reason, can’t be yours right now. And you’re willing to wait for him, because your feelings for him are so very large and profound. (Of course, I am now suspicious that my feelings for them all felt so large and profound precisely because they couldn’t be mine, but I wouldn’t be able to prove that in court.) If you’re really comfortable with that, too, and nothing that this book or your friends or your therapist can say will help you change that, then eventually, I hope, like me, you’ll eventually just get tired of it. Sometimes all the psychological help in the world can’t do anything. Sometimes boredom just has to set in. You get bored with always having less than everybody else seems to have, less than what you want. You start thinking that maybe you actually deserve better, not because you learned to love yourself or lost all that weight or saw that great episode on Dr. Phil, but just because you got bored. Bored with the same type of misery over and over and over again. That’s what happened to me, I think. I hope it will be a lot faster for you.The “But He’s Very Important” Excuse Dear Greg, You’re dumb. A guy who I’m going out with (who I asked out, Greg, by the way) is totally important and totally busy. He’s a music video director and travels and has long shoots and lots and lots of responsibilities. Sometimes when he’s working, I don’t hear from him for days and days. He’s really busy, Greg! Some guys are just really, really busy! Don’t you ever have really, really busy days? I’ve learned to live with it and not give him any shit, because I know that’s the price I pay for going out with someone really successful and hot and busy. Why are you telling these women to be so needy?! Nikki FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Nikki, Good to hear from you again. Well, not really. Listen, Nikki. Really busy is another way to say “just not that into you.” Totally important is another way to say, “you’re unimportant.” How great that you’ve “landed” someone that even you think is out of your league. Too busy and important to ask you out or call you—what a catch. Congratulations on your quasi-relationship! It must feel amazing to know that you’ve been programmed into the super hot and important busy guy’s cell phone, even if he never uses it to call you. You must be the envy of every woman he’s really dating. I’m about to make a wild, extreme, and severe relationship rule: The word “busy” is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you’re going to find is a man who didn’t care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want. - 11 - The “He’s So Into Me That Now He’s Not” Excuse Dear Greg, I’ve been dating a guy for a month. We’ve had sex and it’s been nice. Just when it seemed like things were really “taking off,” we stopped having sex. I’ve stayed over at his house four times now and we end up just…sleeping. Some cuddling, but that’s about it. It’s weird, but sex just doesn’t happen anymore. It’s humiliating to have to ask him what’s going on, so I’m just going to assume that it’s actually because he’s really, really into me, and he’s just scared. Sally FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Just Cuddling, A month? A month?! Are you freaking kidding me? This should be the time when he’s getting comfortable enough to bring up the subject of outfits, positions, lotions, and anal. A month? The only thing he should be tired of is thinking of different ways to ravage you. And after only a month, he really wouldn’t be tired of that. Now, you can get up the nerve to ask him what’s going on—communication is never a bad idea. But my guess is that you probably already have - 16 - He’s Just Not That Into You is a guide to realizing the behaviors of men that tell you when he’s not into you. The Big Takeaways: Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook Oh my God. It’s so weird. We found this on the floor when we were writing this book. It’s from your future boyfriend. Isn’t that a weird coincidence? Hey, Hot Stuff, Can’t wait till you get over that guy you were with. He sounds like a real jerk. Hope it’s soon. You’re way too tasty to be alone for too long. Come find me. I’m out here waiting. Your Future IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG 100% of men polled said that when they broke up with someone, it always meant that they didn’t want to go out with them anymore. (One guy even asked, “How can you have great breakup sex if you don’t break up?” Don’t go out with this guy!)