All this mirroring and validating of feelings that I’m doing – wouldn’t it be great if the parents did it themselves?’: Philippa Perry. Photograph: Pal Hansen/The Observer I can remember what it’s like to have a dad who’s not in the public eye, though. While he’s always been an artist, he hasn’t always been a ‘national treasure’. Why do we define people by what they do? I’m wondering whether this is limiting my life. Whenever we meet someone, the small talk inevitably turns to, “And what do you do?” For now, I am ready for that question. I am a teacher. Although there is satisfaction from the work, there is also the mental load of overseeing not only the education of pupils but increasingly their welfare and I struggle to juggle responsibilities of family and work.

Philippa Perry pada bab awal langsung mengatakan bahwa relasi orang dewasa adalah akumulasi dari pengalaman hidup, sebagian besar berasal dari masa kecil. Sebelum terlambat, ada baiknya untuk membenahi terlebih dahulu hubungan kita. Baik itu ingin dikomunikasikan kepada orangtua atau kita mau menyelesaikannya sendiri (salah satunya dengan konsul ke psikolog). I found my mum’s work as a psychotherapist interesting, but again, I also saw the downsides: taking on everyone else’s pain and having people rely so much on you. I wanted
a job I didn’t have to take home, one that didn’t define my life. Children are not problems to be fixed’ … a trip to the naughty step. Photograph: Elva Etienne/Getty Images Jadi penyintas dari relasi toksik memaksaku untuk menjadi "chain breaker." Hidup dalam keadaan yang tidak sehat bukanlah sesuatu yang pernah aku bayangkan. Agar aku tidak mewariskan hal itu, maka aku harus belajar bagaimana berdamai/menyelesaikan "my childhood issue." It is compassionately and lyrically written, but it’s not a passive read. Each chapter includes exercises that, warns the book, “may upset you, make you angry, or even make you a better parent”. We are invited to examine our own childhoods, find the sore spots, jab at them with exploratory fingers, and dissect our own reactions to our children. I wonder if some readers might resist this.At university I studied chemistry, but never loved it. Then,
in my fourth year, I gave the editor of the student newspaper some quotes for the feminism society while I was drunk and
he thought I was funny, so he offered me a column. That’s when I found a hobby that I loved enough to make my job. Get closer the people who matter the most with the help of the nation's favourite therapist, PHILIPPA PERRY ** It is important to support your children in learning these qualities, but Perry also suggests that you should employ these qualities when handling situations with your children. I think that's a great way to approach things. When we become more sensitive towards ourselves and more knowledgeable about our own feelings, we are more able to attune to, and empathize with, the feelings of other people. In short, self-awareness improves our relationships. I remember receiving a letter from a young woman despairing that her boyfriend had broken up with her, yet in the same letter she described their relationship as distant and judgmental, and their sex life as having “always been bad”. However, her family would regularly comment on “how happy they seemed”. We should try not to worry how things appear on the outside

I just didn’t think it was for me at all. Great advice I agree with as a parent trying to break a toxic cycle, but presented in very dull and monotonous format that just felt like reading psychology papers. I also think some of it felt a little out of touch in places - suggesting family could pay rent for you to be present with your child? Asking you to spend a weekend in a hotel with your child one to one? I appreciate the context in which this was suggested, but it felt like it came from a place of privilege and would perhaps feel out of reach for a lot of people. Life bible incoming: Philippa Perry’s sage (and witty) advice will have you re-evaluating all the relationships in your life' STYLIST I wanted to rate it highly but I just found it so dull. Is it the book I wish my parents had read? Probably but they wouldn’t have given a toss and would have considered it rubbish anyway. There was nothing groundbreaking. It was simply a reflection on conscious parenting. Meeting your kids, treating them with respect, compassionate and empathy. At times it felt very shaming and confronting - mainly because I know I didn’t meet my kids how I wish I had as a parent when the older two were toddlers. That is wholly a me problem, but I felt like I was falling asleep reading half of it, the rest of the time having to sit with feelings of failing. It did reassure the reader that it was NOT intended this way, and that there was almost always a chance of repair. I certainly feel, through engaging this style of parenting now as I’ve grown into myself, that I’ve repaired the parts I got wrong and I think the biggest part of that, which is alluded to in the book; is being accountable, aware and not trying to “win”. There were some useful bits, especially if you’re new to parenting in this style. I also think it is a book for people with little ones, not who have much older kids. It has chapters on sleeping, weaning, toddlers and then moves onto older kids.

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Conscious, curious and in good company seem to be the keys to a sane and probably happy life, but I want to focus more on the last chapter of the book which is called What’s the story? and is concerned with the patterns we have adopted to deal with different situations, the filters through which we look at the world. Sometimes those patterns serve us well, sometimes they lead us to a self-defeating behavior. We can brake those patterns when they don’t work in our best interest and edit our story. When thinking about this, a scene came into my mind – one of the most impressive scenes from an overall impressive movie – The Great Beauty. Rome’s intellectuals are sitting drinking on a rooftop discussing art and life. A beautiful mature woman is telling the story of her success. The main character Jeb is irritated by her arrogance and decides to put her down in front of their friends. He tells the same story, but it is glamorous no more. “Stefania, mother and woman, you’re 53 with a life in tatters like the rest of us. Instead of acting superior and treating us with contempt, you should look at us with affection. We’re all on the brink of despair. All we can do is look each other in the face, keep each other company, joke a little. Don’t you agree?" If I didn't know better I would say that this is Alain de Botton writing under a pseudonym. It has the same type of clear, calm prose dotted with references to the Western Canon. Jelas sekali yang dititikberatkan oleh Perry sepanjang buku ini adalah tentang bagaimana kita merawat hubungan dengan diri kita sendiri. Tips dan latihan yang diberikan juga mengenai memfokuskan pikiran tentang kita. Membatasi konsumsi berita dan mendorong diri untuk mencoba hal baru adalah salah dua dari saran yang diberikan Perry agar manusia bisa berfungsi maksimal meskipun keadaan sedang tidak baik-baik saja. To discover what it is we do desire, we must listen to both our head and our heart. There will be some finding out to do, living in the moment and asking ourselves how we feel about our experiences and allowing those feelings to be a guide, rather than what we think should make us happy. Finding fulfilment means working out a compromise between these two parts of you. And, remember, it is never too late to change direction. I think an overlooked part of success is that it takes a lot of work. It might have been nice if he could have had a bit more time to hang out, but at the same time, he made his hobby his job.