All of this is compounded by it being very difficult to discuss with their partner. This is something that I can help with, as when people listen to each other, they often begin to find their own solutions. It is also useful to offer resources such as books, and to give information about what to expect. When the subject of stepfamilies is raised, many people automatically think of stepmothers, and are less likely to consider that for every stepchild there is a mother. In the modern stepfamily, where both parents are alive but living in different places, the biological parent is outside of the stepfamily group sharing his or her children. He entered the marriage with the responsibility of being a parent and his child should remain a priority. Promoting ways your husband can spend quality time with his child can earn you respect and strengthen your marriage. His advice has sustained us many years later — and I have learned some valuable lessons about step-motherhood. 1. You must adjust your expectations. That dream began to fade away as I struggled to form a bond with her. She considered me a threat — and misbehaved to get her father's attention. Instead of living happily as a newlywed, I was miserable in my new role as a stepmom. When her father and I eventually divorced, I considered my inability to connect with her more of a failure in some ways than our marriage. I vowed to have a better relationship with my future stepchild, should I become a stepmom again.

Do not assume the role as a parent liaison. You will create tension in your relationship with your husband if he feels you are undermining his authority as a parent. Stepmothers are the stepfamily members most likely to turn up in my therapy room or to ask their partners to come to counselling. They do so because they are finding their position in the family difficult and that they are painfully outside of the relationship between their partner and his children. The story they tell me are versions of the same thing. The following are typical complaints: If she starts a new relationship herself and hopes to start a stepfamily then she has to allow someone who is not her children’s parent into their lives. While there is usually a lot of optimism about this, things don’t necessarily work as smoothly as she would like and often there is conflict between her new partner and children. Whether your stepchild misbehaved out of resentment, or unintentionally hurt you, do not take it personal. Put yourself in their shoes before you react. And try to practice patience. With notable exceptions, when couples separate children are most likely to live with their mothers. If the father has started a new relationship, and wishes to stay involved as a parent, the children move between two households, and the mother has to share her children with a strange woman – the stepmother. She has to live with the fact that her ex-partner is now with someone else and the feelings that arise for her can be painful and difficult.

Becky & Bree

Stepfamilies can be a complicated coming together of different groups, requiring the managing of new and old relationships side by side Cohabitation may be something your family is not ready to handle, emotionally or financially. If possible, avoid relocating children until you have built a strong foundation for your marriage.

You are the person that their father chose to love and brought into their lives uninvited. Let your stepchild take the lead in establishing how your relationship will develop. There are some useful books and resources available online. Including Patricia Papernow's Thriving and Surviving in a Stepfamily, StepIn ASAP, and StepLife Podcast – to be issued soon. Claire Asherson Bartram, a therapist in NW London, shares her insights from her research into mothers in stepfamilies Inserting yourself into co-parenting drama can cause problems in your relationship with your stepchild. Support your husband from the sidelines, but let him deal with his ex. Abandon any preconceived notions of how your life will be as a stepmom — and make way for reality. Trying to live up to some romanticized ideal will only cause disappointment.Therapists can help stepfamily members by being informed about the nature of these situations so that they can tell people what to expect. It is useful for the therapist to understand that often the most painful and unreasonable emotions can be evoked. With this recognition, therapists can usefully support people to know that they are not bad or wrong for feeling e.g. competitive, lonely, pushed out, it is quite normal in a stepfamily and it makes sense when the dynamics are understood. Usually couples are working hard, and appear at the therapist’s door, when they have run out of options. For the therapist to recognise their efforts is essential. The skills that couples therapists have can support parents and stepparents to talk to each other and to think together about creative ways through complicated situations. It feels different to be a stepparent than it does being a biological mother or father. Stepparents can feel that they are asked to slot into a situation that has no place for them as they have no past history with their stepchildren and ‘inherited’ with a new partner. The 2011 census identified '544,000 stepfamilies with children in the England and Wales