Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P.R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press. Despite often confusing actions to the contrary, disorganized attachers want relationships – they want to love and be loved. However, they’re also afraid that their partners will betray their trust, so they struggle to let others “in”. What may often come across as irrational and hurtful behavior from a disorganized partner is actually their way of coping with fear within the relationship. The following steps may help you support a disorganized attacher in the way they need within a relationship: I. Communicate openly and clearly Another withdrawal behavior that a disorganized attacher may engage in when attempting to distance themselves from relationship intimacy is infidelity. This isn’t to suggest that all disorganized attachers cheat in relationships. According to research, however, someone with a disorganized attachment style may be more likely to act out sexually in an attempt to connect without intimacy.

All of these inconsistent and contradictory disorganized behaviors can be incredibly challenging for a spouse to cope with. Although dating someone with a disorganized attachment style is bound to have its challenges from time to time, successful disorganized attachment dating is entirely possible with understanding, patience, and the right skill set. These contrasting behaviors are due to the central component of the disorganized attachment style being fear within relationships. In truth, the disorganized attachment style is considered to be the most difficult form of insecure attachment to manage – disorganized adults strongly desire love and acceptance but simultaneously fear that those closest to them will hurt them. From the disorganized attachment viewpoint, rejection, disappointment, and hurt in relationships are inevitable – it’s just a matter of “when”.

Disorganized attachment is one of the three forms of insecure attachment (avoidant, anxious, and disorganized). As the above points suggest, the traits of the disorganized attachment style can make relationship stability and longevity a challenge. Chopik, W. J., Edelstein, R. S., & Grimm, K. J. (2019). Longitudinal changes in attachment orientation over a 59-year period. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 116(4), 598–611. It's about an on-and-off relationship. She and her guy are on the way to break up but she can't decide what to do. Even though the romance isn't good for her (or them) she loves him more anything you could imagine and that guy means the world to her. She's afraid of being alone. Bear in mind that the disorganized attachment style doesn’t just affect romantic relationships. Disorganized attachment friendships are also characterized by difficulties with trusting others, an inability to be mutually vulnerable, and struggles with maintaining long-term friendships.

Ainsworth, MD, Bell, SM.(1970). Attachment, exploration, and separation: Illustrated by the behavior of one-year-olds in a strange situation. Child Development, 41(1), 49-67. Disorganized attachment in marriage plays out in similar ways to the other forms of disorganized relationships. Despite clearly loving their partner enough to marry them, if the disorganized attacher has not processed their maladaptive outlook on themself and the world, they still likely have a negative view of themselves and their spouse. They continue to feel unworthy of love and anticipate that their spouse will hurt them. Someone with a disorganized attachment style in relationships might have problems expressing their emotions to their loved ones because they either have difficulty interpreting their feelings or else fear a negative response for doing so. A partner with a disorganized attachment style may be prone to mood swings and create conflict within a relationship.

In many ways, processing a breakup in therapy is an excellent way of understanding how repeating behaviors led to the breakup, because the disorganized attacher never processed their underlying issues from their childhood. Recognizing these patterns is a crucial start in the process of change.

As a result, the child doesn’t know when their caregiver will meet their needs – or if they will at all. Consequently, they cannot bond securely with their caregiver and may try to forge a sense of closeness with them to satisfy their need for proximity and affection. However, the child also realizes that they need to distance themselves from their caregiver as a form of self-protection.If someone with a disorganized attachment style is struggling in the aftermath of a breakup, it’s important for them not to shut down their emotions and instead attempt to express them to a trusted friend or family member. If they do not feel comfortable doing so, then mental health professionals can help them to process their attachment issues and any pain associated with a breakup, so as to reach more balanced patterns of feelings and behaviors. Disorganized attachers can develop “learned” secure attachment by identifying their irrational thoughts about themselves and relationships, and they could change their attachment-related behaviors as a result.