Imagine a gathering of three or more participants engaged in a sexual free-for-all. Aka: group sex. When we got to our room, I caught my wife pleasuring herself in the shower, which has never happened before. In fact, she’s pretty much given upon sex. I called her out on it and she mentioned that her massage included a happy ending and she had not cum so hard in years. Of course, the closest I got was having my butt cheeks massaged. I felt ripped off and all she said was “maybe next time.” Dirty talk fantasies were associated with more BDSM fantasies of every type— bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism. Dirty talk often plays a role in BDSM scenarios (e.g., to create a dominant-submissive dynamic, as a form of sexual humiliation), and women reported more BDSM fantasies in general than did men, so perhaps this at least partly explains why women had the most frequent dirty talk fantasies. As further support for this idea, I also asked people how often they fantasized about a specific form of dirty talk—being called a “slut,” “bitch,” “whore,” or other derogatory term during sex. The gender difference was substantially larger in this case: a slight majority of women (52%) said they’d fantasized about this before, and 22% fantasized about it often. By contrast, 35% of men had fantasized about this before, and 10% fantasized about it often. My wife and I just returned home from a much needed 10 day vacation on the beach in Mexico. Having been traveling most of the day, we were tired when we arrived at our hotel and decided to head to the beach for a massage. Within in minutes we were both laying on tables overlooking the beach and listening to the waves. We were only about six feet apart with cool towels covering our faces. Every now and then I could hear my wife moan, which I assumed was from the massage. Meanwhile, my massage was okay, but nothing to moan about.

An off-shoot of “consensual non-consent,” this is where one partner gets off over and over and over again, beyond the point of when it starts to feel super sensitive at the hands of their more dominant partner (because after one or two times, even the most multi-orgasmic person might succomb to oversensitivity!). It’s often mixed in with BDSM and power-play, impact play or other fetishes. Two days later my wife scheduled a three hour spa treatment for me at our resort. I had no idea what to expect. When I arrived I was taken to an open area in the mens section and asked to to remove my clothes. As they walked me to the massage area, I noticed that others had robes and I was the only one fully nude, which seemed odd. I also noticed some smiles/laughs that must have been due the very small penis I was not so proudly revealing. Dirty talk fantasies were associated with several sex-seeking personality traits: erotophilia, sociosexuality, and sexual sensation seeking. Put another way, those who had more positive attitudes toward sex, saw sex and emotion as separable, and enjoyed more thrilling and adventuresome sexual encounters in general reported more interest in dirty talk. So, in some ways, the appeal of dirty talk also says something about how we feel about and think about sex in general. The insertion of a whole hand into a vagina or sometimes anus. Apparently the filled-up feeling is orgasmic for some women. The act of inserting a steel, medical-grade sounding rod into a guy’s pee hole, aka urethra, to inflict pleasure and pain. Some people use alternative items, like a toothbrush handle (and we understand teh struggle of household sex toy users, but highly discourage putting non-body safe materials into an orifice like the urethra. Kink responsibly, kiddos!In general, dirty talk fantasies were unrelated to self-esteem and neuroticism; however, fantasies about being called derogatory names specifically were related to these factors. Those who fantasized about being called a "bitch," "slut," etc. tended to report lower self-esteem and higher levels of neuroticism (i.e., emotional instability). They also reported more attachment anxiety (i.e., fear of abandonment). To be clear, these associations were small, which means that fantasies about being called derogatory names are not inherent indicators of how we feel about ourselves or about our relationships. But the fact that an association exists at all tells us something. Maybe for some, this is a way of eroticizing personal insecurities. Or maybe for others, it’s an act of masochism in which pain is used to escape self-awareness or to intensify sexual sensations, as I write about in Tell Me What You Want. verifyErrors }}{{ message }}{{ /verifyErrors }}{{ Dirty talk fantasies were associated with having more fantasies about a partner who moans or screams loudly. So part of the appeal likely has to do with the fact that some people just inherently find sounds to be erotically appealing. However, whereas women fantasized about dirty talk more than men, men fantasized about moaning and screaming more than women (48% of men said they fantasize about this often, compared to 38% of women). So it seems that many men and women are really into sounds during sex, but the most appealing sounds actually differ for men and women.

Also called prostate massage, this is where you use the prostate to its fullest potential using toys or a hand (rubber gloves and fingers can be excellent here) to help a partner achieve prostate orgasms. People who were more extraverted had more fantasies about dirty talk—and more fantasies about a partner moaning and screaming. In other words, those who are more sociable and outgoing seem to find sounds during sex to be more erotically appealing, whereas introverts seem to find quiet sex more arousing. So what do people find so appealing about dirty talk? And why do women tend to fantasize about it the most? Here are some insights based on my survey: I can’t stop thinking about my older cousin. I hope I see him at the family reunion. Every time we run into each other it’s like we were never apart even though we are both married with children. He always initiates and can’t keep his hands off me when we are alone. The last time we saw each other there were so many stollen moments. Starting out with him sitting between me and his wife Nicole at dinner.