As the questions flowed, themes began to emerge, ranging across childhood, teenage years, hobbies and having children. The themes morphed into chapters, and it soon became obvious to Elma that the chapters had become a book. Daughters often only think to ask after they have lost their mum One daughter discovered her dying mother had spent her last illness secretly filling out the book for her. She read from the book at her funeral. “She now says it’s the most valuable possession in her life,” said Elma. “And it is hers, too,” she added. “Once the wrapper is taken off the book, my name disappears from it. This book belongs to the person who fills it in.” I judged her but then I began to understand her choices and views Perhaps one of the most telling signs? Feeling as if you have to walk on eggshells around your mom, says Reena B. Patel, LEP, BCBA, a parenting expert, licensed educational psychologist, and board-certified behavior analyst. Whether you’re worried she’ll take your words out of context, embarrass you, or have a big emotional reaction, you always choose your words carefully for fear she’ll overreact. Hi mum I’m texting you off a friends phone I’ve smashed mine and their phones about to die, can you WhatsApp my new number please.’ By this point in time, I think you should have a good idea of who your birth parents are – their names, where they live/d, who they’re married to. Once you have this information, if you still can’t find your birth parents on social media, it’s time to spend just a little bit of money.

Elma believes that modern life mitigates against the sharing of family histories and that subtly cuts us adrift, not just from our families but from ourselves. “I think times have changed so fast over the past few years,” she said. “It’s become so hectic and busy, and we are all looking for meaning and achieving goals and trying to keep a grip. But for me, it’s become really simple: what makes you happy is being connected with yourself – and being connected with yourself means being connected to your parents and grandparents.” What really makes us happy in life are the stories that we pass on and the relationships that we have with the people who are close to our hearts.”A toxic relationship is typically a two-way street. But in a mother-child relationship, the parent does wield the bulk of the emotional responsibility — hence why there are a lot more toxic moms than toxic daughters. It’s not always clear when a parent is crossing a line, but experts agree that signs your mom is toxic can be found in the way she speaks to you.

It often hurts extra to realize that your mom is being toxic. According to Pinsly, it can shatter the image of who you hoped she could be. But it’s also a good thing, as the knowledge may make it easier to cope with her words. “Sometimes we need to implement boundaries, find acceptance and change, set time and distance, or redirect our needs to ourselves and find healing,” says licensed professional counselor Rachel M. Abrman, MA, LPC. The perfect gift for mom, this hardcover guided journal collects the stories of your mom’s lifetime and memories to cherish forever.Three weeks ago, I heard from a grandmother who had just finished her book after filling it in for two-and-a-half years. She invited me for coffee and showed it to me. She hadn’t thought that she had any important stories to tell, but what she wrote about her childhood was fascinating – it was like a time machine, hearing about laundry day on Monday and fish day on Wednesday. It was a privilege to be allowed to be allowed to flip through her book.” It’s tough having a toxic mom, but remember there are things you can do to cope. As Patel says, “You are not your mom. You can take control and detach yourself. Seek support and therapy if needed. Do not react, take this personally, and do not feel responsible for your mom’s feelings. It is not our job to rescue her.”