The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity: How to Regain Your Sanity After You've Been Cheated On
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The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity: How to Regain Your Sanity After You've Been Cheated On
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Ironically, he’s the one with the highly profitable profession (at which he is very successful), great networks, terrific hobbies and all that shit. I actually looked up to him and thought he was great. In his twisted mind, he thought I looked down on him. He was such a liar, he thought every time I said something nice, I was lying, because that’s what he would do. He said she got tested for STDs every six months. He did not appear to think that was odd, that it could mean she had many sexual partners. He also failed to see why this didn’t sway me from insisting that he get tested. “Don’t worry” was his motto. I think this about my ex FW, MightyWarrior, they would dearly have loved me to disappear and for them to reap the benefits of my demise
I meant no disrespect by my comment; I was only telling my own experience about becoming suicidal enough to be hospitalized in one day. Oh he’s definitely projecting. He wants everyone to think that I’m the bad person so he can get away with it looking like he just has another “crazy” ex.So cool, now everyone has their hands around each other’s throats and we have learned NOTHING because no one even noticed, there’s Schrodinger’s Chump gone completely silent and not one person was curious about why this very intelligent regular commenter asked for an accommodation. SC, I’d be interested in whatever part of your story you’re comfortable sharing. AE – my XH wouldn’t get rid of his “awesome” grad student, either. He told me she only had “three more years.” My God – 5 more MINUTES was untenable, let alone three more years! Why don’t they see that? Example: my spouse said he didn’t betray our marriage because we weren’t married. 2 priests, 180 guests and my grandma wearing pink chiffon witnessed our wedding. We were legally married – it was objective truth. Nwrain – I had another academic wife tell me that universities were one of the few “good old boy” institutions left where women willing dropped trou to get ahead. But if you’re rooted, if your family means the world to you, then the theft of that life is devastating. Because it’s not just that the earth opened up and swallowed up everything you hold dear, like some natural disaster. No—some idiot did this to you. Because they weren’t invested. Because it was easier to lie to you and extract value from you, and let you go on believing your world was safe when it wasn’t.”
I’ve kinda given up trying to figure him out although as time moves on I realize that he has some serious disturbances. For quiet a while I thought it was us just not being compatible, being too young when married, etc, ….but I woke up when I left him and he’s repeated the same pattern with women that came after our divorce – If the situation was reversed, if you were having the affair, would HE be okay with you working with OM? Absolutely not! He’d probably do what Richard Gere did in “Unfaithful”– kill OM and hide the body. I know I toyed with the idea more than once… You’re on to something there. I can’t tell you how many times I heard statements like, “I wish you would just disappear.” This is not about making cheating consequences more palatable, but about being sensitive to research about what the effects of suicide reporting might be.I have often thought than many cheating spouses should be referred to as “He/She Who Shall Remain Blameless/Shameless”. You are new around these parts and may not have understood the context of CLs comment about objective truth. She is not claiming to determine truth for the entire universe, she is saying that the facts of what happens in a relationship where betrayal occurred/is occurring is important. Most people here dealt with a partner who clearly betrayed but minimized/denied their lies/ deeds with denials of objective truth. Yes, poor S! This is heartbreaking. He’s gone, and for what? He accidentally married a total skank. That contant drip drip drip of undermining is very real, and it takes a terrible toll. I also think it makes it that much harder to pull away when you finally discover the extent of the betrayal–and of course, how many of us really ever do find out the whole scope? dunno about y’all, but I just assume there is more, and nastier, than I know about, and it will always be so. Best way is to just cut the cord and put it ALL behind me. His pathology. Chump Nation saved you and you tried to be supportive of a friend who was cheating on her husband?! Whom you claim to have loved?!!
Thankfully, I had wonderful, supportive friends who loathe him now and anger has followed, with strength yeah, but god forbid you complain about something that happened during your day at home. At least in my case. If I ever dared to complain about something about the kids or something, I wasn’t “grateful” enough that I was able to stay home. I got neither sympathy nor solutions. I got one upsmanship. Him going “well at least you didn’t have to deal with this…” and go on about how much worse his day was. As the daughter of a father who killed himself by shooting himself in the head I also disagree that CL should change the wording to “died by suicide.” CL is right on, jodi; he’ll likely never be happy anywhere w/anybody. You’re just the handy excuse right now. And I tried, Lord, how I tried, to get him to tell me what he wanted out of life, marriage, work, you name it. He not only lied to me about it, he lied to his therapist. I mean, this guy had, at one point, 3 women propping him up: wife, mistress, therapist. He said, “but we were really happy then, right?”Emotionally, he was EXTREMELY high maintenance. If I didn’t tell him EVERY DAY how smart, wonderful, and amazing he was, he pouted. We waited 11 years to have kids (to get him through grad school and post doc), but he left 100% of the parenting to me, and then became jealous by the amount of time and energy I spent on the children (because I had NO HELP). So no, with this type you simply cannot win. I think it became a challenge for him to bring me down. (And he had fun and got laid doing it. woo woo.) Even though I had self-confidence, clear moral boundaries, integrity (d’oh!), and a real sense of who I am and an interior life, he did not see it as a great thing to have a partner like that. Oh, no– it was bad bad bad. Because in his mind it was all about him–also: zero sum game. If I’m good, he’s bad. If I’m up, he’s down. As to the argument of method disclosure and imitation, you’re omitting the fact that a person has to be suicidal to begin with. It isn’t as if a perfectly happy person reads a news article about a person gassing themselves and thinks, “huh, I think I’ll try that next Thursday after my yodelling lesson!” Young, attractive, confident, going places – they want to hitch a ride on our A train. But they don’t want to see, hear about, or God forbid PAY for the maintenance, so when we inevitably run off the rails through years of wear, tear, and neglect, they find another train, toss us aside, and proclaim, “You’re not the woman I married.”
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