Terri Cole: Anything. If he says, “This matters to me,” because he doesn’t often, done. So preferences are things that you can share.

I was like, “You need to leave, you literally no longer care about, you care about the people, but you don’t actually care about the job.” And, really, at the height of my career, I mean I was running the New York operations for a bicoastal talent agency. I quit my job and went to… and I really applied to one school. I applied to NYU to get my master’s because I was like, “Listen I’m not going to Ohio, like I’ve been living in New York, I’m not… if I don’t get into NYU, then maybe it’s not meant to be.” Apparently it was and then I got accepted and I was like, “Oh, my God, now I have to go, you can’t not go, right?” Terri Cole: When we over give, when we over function for others, this is what I call high functioning codependency, right? Because we can kind of do it all but not forever. In the below image, we’ve set the tangent type for all 3 sketches in ‘Direction 1’ to ‘Normal To Profile’: The most successful and satisfied people on the planet have one thing in the ability to create and communicate clear, healthy boundaries. This ability is, hands down, the biggest game changer when it comes to creating a healthy, happy, self-determined life. Since becoming a boundary boss is a process, Cole also offers actionable strategies, scripts, and techniques that can be used in the moment, whenever you need them. You will learn:Melody Wilding: Many people have misconceptions about boundaries. Can you explain how you define boundaries?

Marie Forleo: In this episode of MarieTV, we do have some adult language. So if you have little ones around, grab your headphones now. Terri Cole: There’s, there’s two things I want to say. I love that. So, with the social media stuff, there’s this thing as a meme going around. And I’m not sure who said it, I didn’t. But it was like, you know, you don’t have to, you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to, right? Literally, you could be like you could RSVP, “No thanks.” Right? I’m not doing that. And, and really not allowing people who you certainly don’t know to hook you into these low vibration experiences. You will most likely not change that person. So I’m not talking about in your real life having real conversations, that is important. So, long ago before the book, I came up with this very in-depth list of what is okay and what is not okay in all areas of clients’ lives. So that’s from the lighting in your office to anything. How you’re communicating in your love relationship, the way that you’re being sexual with someone, every single thing, because most of the time, if, if you’re raised to just really want to avoid conflict, to… you know, it’s very easy to confuse compliance with compatibility. You know? And… If you’re interested in learning more, make sure you register for Boundary Bootcamp. Enrollment is now open! Go to terricole.com/bb2019 to register.

Show Notes:

And why do we do that? And what is that about? And part of it is really looking at your life experiences and that there is something in there for us. I know for me, I really like helping people, I actually still do, but now I do it healthily not at the expense of myself. When SOLIDWORKS introduced the Boundary Surface feature in 2008, I was just finishing writing the first SOLIDWORKS Surfacing and Complex Shape Modeling Bible. Peer pressure. (e.g. pressure for having sex by using families and friends opinions, or bring up statistics ) Most of my clients did not identify with being codependent. I would see these high-functioning women who are literally changing the world, and I would say, “Hey, let's talk about codependency.” They thought I was nuts because they thought of themselves as the one with all the answers, as the person everyone else depended on. They thought being codependent meant you had to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. But really if someone else's disaster or debacle feels like your own and you feel an urgency as if it were your life, that’s codependency. How your unique "Boundary Blueprint" is unconsciously driving your boundary behaviors, and strategies to redesign it

Marie Forleo: Terri, you are awesome. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for the gift of this incredible book in the world and your work for d

If you are doing work that is not yours, stop. If you're working overtime or you’re letting your vacation days accrue instead of taking them, stop. By doing these things, you are telling people how to treat you in all ways. Our relationship with ourselves sets the bar. If you don't think that you're valuable enough to rest, that’s a problem. Where are you over-giving? If you want to know where you're overdoing these things, think about the people you work with and then gauge your resentment level. But you, you’ll get better at it the more that you do and you’ll find your style. And I know not everyone will do it with humor so… But I peppered that throughout. Because I find that you can just say when Bob says, “How much money do you make?” You know, you can say, you know… Or, “What are you doing on your personal day?” Let’s say. If he says, “How much money do you make?” You can say, “Trust me, Bob, not nearly what I’m worth.” Right? You’re not answering. Or, “What are you doing? You took off tomorrow, what are you doing?” “That’s why they call it a personal day, Bob.” Right? Most of us were never taught how to effectively express our preferences, desires or deal-breakers. Instead, we hide our feelings behind passive-aggressive behavior, deny our own truths, or push our emotions down until we get depressed or so frustrated that we explode, potentially destroying hard-won trust and relationships.

Terri Cole: Like, I use humor a lot, not like sarcasm, not to tell someone to F off. But, honestly… Terri Cole: To become a boundary boss, as in to be healthy with your boundaries, you need to know what your preferences, your desires, your limits, and your deal breakers are. You have to be able to clearly and concisely communicate those boundaries if you so choose. Terri’s raw and relatable take on boundaries is a breath of fresh air.” ―Mariel Buquè, PhD, trauma psychologist It was a new feature, and it was being added to the book at the last minute. I didn’t have many or good examples, and there wasn’t much of a description for why we needed this new surface type aside from, “It allows curvature continuity and treats profiles and guide curves the same.” Terri Cole: So, intrusive questions is another, like boundaries and conversations, because these are also really emotional boundaries where so much of the time women in my courses would be like, “This person asked me this intimate question. And then I frigging answered it and I’m so mad at myself and I feel humiliated and I’m embarrassed. The person asked me, ‘Why don’t I have kids’ or ‘Why did, why did my husband I break up.’” Or whatever the thing is.

FAQS

But then what happens is you become this sort of auto fixer. And, really, when you think about what am, what am I doing and what was I doing throughout my 20s when any person who had a problem, I don’t care, it could be like for my hair colorist to like my mail carrier. I’d be like, “Oh, Joe, I know exactly what you should do. Let’s go inside. I got this great book for you.” We wouldn’t be able to create the same blend between the profiles in the loft tool without having additional geometry (guide curves, etc) selected. There is an additional option in the above image for ‘Dir 2 curves influence’ which is similar to ‘Guide curves influence type’ in the loft property manager.