Every family has a story that it tells itself, that it passes on to the children and grandchildren. The story grows over the years, mutates, some parts are sharpened, others dropped, and there is often debate about what really happened. But even with these different sides of the same story, there is still agreement that this is the family story. And in the absence of other narratives, it becomes the flagpole that the family hangs its identity from.” (A.M. Homes) Julia: Well, I just think, you know, the definition of being loved is being known, known as you are on the inside. And how you feel yourself to be with all of you frailties and fault lines and strengths and great capacities and brilliance. I think we can ignore good things as well, but they need to be allowed and that when someone fully sees you with all of that and you known, that is what love is and that they don’t turn away and they don’t try to squish you down. You don’t big you up. Or when you’re looked in the eye and known and loved for that is an amazing thing. And I you know, one person is really enough. But ideally, we do want a bit of a village. You know, we want nine. Through eight beautifully told case studies, covering a variety of families across multiple generations, she analyses common issues from losing a parent to children leaving home, and from separation to step-relationships. In doing so she shows how much is, in fact, inherited -- and how much can be healed when it is faced together. It is how parents live, far more than what they say, that becomes embedded in their children. I have often witnessed parents saying to their children, ‘All I want is for you to be happy,’ but how would the child begin to know what ‘happy’ looks like if they haven’t seen it?’

Talking to your children soberly about values like tenacity, courage or forgiveness can be less effective than telling a story about a person they know who lived through a real situation. In fact, hearing and telling family stories can strengthen our own character.” (Jamie Yuenger) In the eight case studies we are gently guided . . . towards a deeper understanding of the importance of honesty, self-examination and communication within all relationships. . . . [An] engrossing book [with] extraordinary personal honesty.” — Daily MailFamily stories casually chatted about at the dinner table, or regaled again and again at family gatherings can parallel great epics or notable short stories. The memorable stories of our lives and of others in our family take on special importance because they are true, even if everyone tells different versions of the same event. These tales are family heirlooms held in the heart not the hand. They are a gift to each generation that preserves them by remembering them and passing them on.” (Heather Forest) The best loved stories are not from books or films, but those from our own families.” (Jane McGarvey) But that is perhaps me being overly critical (and part of the therapy I need is surely to forgive more). So whilst she may not be the ideal therapist for me, she certainly reinforced and made me feel some of my own issues were valid. I leave you with a couple of sentences which I take away The author Julia Samuel was in conversation with Stephen Gross at our event. Please find out more here.

Julia Samuel offers us vivid insights into the way family structure, stories and experience exert their influence across generations. Here is a book for all families, where we can appreciate our own family’s strengths and take courage to explore our hurts. The issues are so vibrantly explored that I was utterly drawn in. This is a book about love: a superpower when we use it wisely and well.” —Kathryn Mannix Kim Hawley and her father Jim Scherman nap on the couch in 1993. It can be helpful to start your interview with a warm-up question, such as sharing a favorite memory from childhood. Photographs of Kim Hawley and her father Jim Scherman. Hawley is the founder of Strength Through Story, an organization that helps birthing parents manage perinatal challenges through writing. Despite encouraging others to share their stories, Hawley hadn't done the same excavating within her family until interviewing her father for Life Kit. We don't usually interact with loved ones through interviews, so the format can feel awkward. The best way to break through the tension is to start with a few warm-ups — basic fact-gathering questions such as a favorite memory from childhood — and continue with open-ended versus yes or no questions ("How was X?" or "What did Y mean to you?"). Kate: Yeah. Your book has these incredible case studies of families learning to negotiate that dynamic. Can you give me an example of if someone who’s acute pain like required them to embed themselves and maybe they had to engage in a story that was their parents or grandparents?Tiesiogiai su psichologija susijusias knygas aš skaitau, kaip terapiją ir pagalbą sau. Ir šią skaityti man buvo emociškai sunku. Vienoje iš istorijų radau daug panašumų ir skaudėjo už juos ir už save. Bet pats procesas džiugina, kai tokiu būdu gali permąstyt save, naujai, iš kito kampo pamatyt situacijas, o perėjus viską pasijaučiu lengvesnė. 💛 What makes Samuel outstandingly sympathetic as a therapist and as a writer is her unusual willingness to admit to faultiness and not to be remote or over-authoritative. She is a virtuoso listener, but wears her heart on her sleeve and will occasionally admit to feeling unequal to what she is witnessing. Her lovely—and in no way insensitive—character leavens the narratives assembled here. . . . The Samuel magic continues to obtain.” — The Guardian I’d like parents to examine themselves and recognize the impact of their behaviour, take responsibility for it and change it if necessary. An apology as sincere and heartfelt as Archie’s can go a long way to heal injuries from the past.’ Kate: I like the idea though, of, like a 90 second feeling. I’m really into that. Like, I mean, I bet it feels like 5 hours. If I had, like, a stopwatch, though, for, like, shame, it would be a wonderful thing.. To be like, I’m just gonna give myself this many seconds and then see. Julia Samuel writes with unfailing grace, tenderness and consummate storytelling. Everyone who reads this will learn something profound' Rachel Clarke

History, to paraphrase author and activist James Baldwin, lives within us. We are vessels for narratives derived from our collective culture, ancestors and lived experiences. And that's why it's so important to capture them. Learning the stories of those closest to us not only enables us to better understand the trajectory of their lives but also helps us make sense of our own.Yes, it is up to us to pass on family stories—especially ones about God intervening in our lives and homes. And doing this does not need to be complicated. We can share family stories with our children and grandchildren while washing dishes together, taking a relaxing walk, or going on a drive.” (Mary May Larmoyeux)

She also makes some problematic assumptions - for instance that children leave home and transition to adulthood when mothers are going through similar stages of life (i.e. menopause). She speaks of a grandparent as follows: 'she worked as a carer, lived on a council estate BUT had huge glamour, the way she dressed.' The but reflects a classed attitude that seems to imply living on a council estate or being a carer precludes glamour. She speaks elsewhere of marrying very young 'which meant she leant too much on her parents', again suggesting that leaning on parents is only something young mothers may do (or do more often). Julia: It was really intense, but it actually only took like eight sessions. And the thing that is so powerful is it renewed their relationship with their mother and it protected their children. So one of the things, if you want to kind of think about not passing down inherited trauma kind of deal with it in your lifetime because you will pass otherwise, you know, suicide is like a cluster bomb. It puts shards of agony in in everybody in different places. But by looking at the shards and naming them and having a clearer understanding, it means you don’t take the flinching and the injury of the shard to your own children.Every Family Has A Story sees bestselling psychotherapist Julia Samuel turn from her work with individuals to sessions with a wide variety of families. Diving deep into eight case studies, with her usual storytelling panache and the latest academic research, she analyses a range of common issues including separation, step-relationships, leaving home, trauma and loss. In doing so, she reveals insightfully how deeply we are influenced by our families -- including the often under-appreciated impact of grandparents and siblings -- and offers universally applicable insights into how families can face challenges together. Her 12 touchstones for family wellbeing -- from fighting productively to making time for rituals, and from setting boundaries to allowing difference -- provide us with the tools to ultimately be better family members ourselves. Kate: Yes, that’s right. I imagine the Canadian version would just be like a deep, awkward politeness, like just a small wave if you happen to be. Exploring the relationships that both touch us most and hurt us most, including the often under-appreciated impact of grandparents and siblings, and incorporating the latest academic research, she offers wisdom that is applicable to us all. Her twelve touchstones for family well-being -- from fighting productively to making time for rituals -- provide us with the tools to improve our relationships, and to create the families we wish for. With her usual warmth and wisdom, bestselling psychotherapist Julia Samuel explores the family: what we inherit and how we can change