Now I've spent all this time worrying. This actually isn't the right thing. What I will say is, if you do want to talk about it, again leading with that vulnerability, I've had to have those kinds of conversations where sometimes it's as simple as saying, if you feel like they're open to it, and you're not making it awkward for both of you or something if they seem open to you and you're already talking just to say, "Hey, I just want to put this out there, no pressure, I know we're at a wedding. I'm not trying to dredge all this up in any way but I really miss you. I'm really sad that that happened to us. Maybe that was as far as our friendship will go and maybe you're totally fine but I just want you to know that I miss you and you're really important to me." I am not the target audience for this book. I rarely read "Christian Living" especially those books marketed to women. I have generally found them filled with stories and low on substance. However, I thought that this book was really good. I have only known of Jennie through her work on the IF:Gathering and the women in my church have done a number of her studies. This was my first personal encounter with her work. Overall, I loved this book. Jennie does an amazing job of sympathizing with her readers and creating a culture of grace while still pushing us outside of our comfort zones and sharpening us "as iron sharpens iron."

Alison: The name of the book is You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Relationships as an Adult. It's by Lane Moore. Lane will be in conversation with Amber Tamblyn tonight at The Strand at 7:00 PM and we'll host a book release party this Saturday, April 29th, at Littlefield in Brooklyn at 7:00 PM. Lane, thanks for coming to the studio and taking listeners' calls. I hope we helped some people today. In a world that's both more connected and more isolating than ever before, we're often tempted to do life alone, whether because we're so busy or because relationships feel risky and hard. But science confirms that consistent, meaningful connection with others has a powerful impact on our well-being. We are meant to live known and loved. But so many are hiding behind emotional walls that we're experiencing an epidemic of loneliness. I grabbed my friend that studied in France with me, and we went to this happy hour and we ended up making a group of friends that we're still with for 20 years since because of that posting. It's hard to do but I also wanted to emphasize that even in college, we try to emphasize with our kids. My daughter is in college, that, oh, you're going to make the best friends of your life there. Which doesn't always happen. I think we have to be careful about that too if everyone thinks they have their group of friends and you don't. How do you feel? There's two parts of that story. One of the biggest strengths of this book was its focus on application. Most chapters had explicit helpful guides on ways to build community. I found myself writing them down and thinking about them more. The book wasn't just platitudes, stories, or even examples of how she did it. Instead there were real good suggestions on ways to make this happen. I particularly appreciated a recurring theme of looking for the people already in front of you. Lane: Absolutely. In the book, I talk about two different scenarios that I would advise, and I like to say that because I don't think there's one size fits all. I think there's two types of friends who are at this crossroads. There are friends who have never talked to their friend about what's going wrong in the friendship. With those friends, please talk to them about it. I have and I know so many people have been on the receiving end of somebody who ended a friendship without ever telling me what I did wrong, without ever giving me an opportunity to say my side of it, to say I didn't know you needed that. I would love to give you that. Please, please give that person an opportunity to show up for you. They might not and then you can walk away, that's okay.What I loved most about this book? Allen’s willingness to share her own mistakes. She was careful with other people’s hearts while still sharing how much she has messed up and ways she has hurt others. I think her transparency and humility to share her failures made this book even more powerful. For probably over thirty years—since I was old enough to know I needed them—I’ve been looking for my people.

Kilby: Hi, there. You've answered some of what I'm going to ask in your previous response. I moved away to California for 10 years in my 20s and I had a friend who really took me in and introduced me to a great friend group and was a big part of my life. We grew to be codependent and stopped being able to communicate our frustrations about that codependency. Rather than talking about it, I've moved away and we were in different time zones, and that friendship faded, but it's somebody who remains important to me. We're about to see each other for the first time in a few years at a friend's wedding.

I don't want to put that pressure on myself. I think it's nicer to just have a little bit more openness about you and a little bit more vulnerability in your life to be able to have somebody come past your life and say, "Oh, maybe this is a new friend. Maybe this could be it. As opposed to making it this hard assignment." You have to do She advised those who have trouble maintaining friendships to “pay someone to be your friend” by seeking counseling because the problem might just be you. Should we evaluate ourselves in these situations? Absolutely. Could we be “the problem?” Certainly. Do we need accountability and someone to call us out? Yes. Is the truth sometimes hard to hear? Definitely. While the above is not a direct quote, her word choice and tone were incredibly insensitive and I would argue outright unkind. I actually read this passage to my husband, who immediately pointed out the harshness. This didn’t sit well with me. You're listening to All Of It. My guest this hour is Lane Moore. Her new book is called, You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult . It is out today. Listeners, if you've made a meaningful friendship as an adult, we want to hear how you did it. 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692, or if you want to hit us up on social media @AllOfitWNYC. If we don’t feel like we belong, we risk loneliness, depression, anxiety, a short lifespan, and poor physical health. Belonging and finding our people is critical to living a healthy, successful, happy, fulfilling life.