She heads for her closet and comes out with a pair of high heels I had never seen her wear before -- very strappy and sexy. These choices are homophobic,” I tell my new friend Dana. She’s technically my press handler, tasked with making sure I see the best that the tour operator, Olivia Travel, has to offer. So far, she’s more than delivered, but the weak karaoke selection — not Dana’s fault! — is a rare low point on a trip that, four days in, has already slowly but surely begun to change my life. There is this girl, and after we’ve been pretty close friends for a while, I realized I was attracted to her. Not wanting to just pine for her, and believing that I saw some signs for mutual attraction, I decided to ask her out. She first agreed to the date, then she wanted to wait for after the summer because she was going to be out of the country for a few months. While that wasn’t the best outcome, I thought it was best to give her space and see what happens when the summer was over. Almost a year ago, in late August '98, I started my sophomore year in college. I signed up for a new dorm on campus and was matched with a girl who I became close friends with almost right away. Almost immediately, we started talking about things together -- boys, sex, etc. and we got along very well.

At dinner, we wondered why we couldn’t have both: explicitly lesbian spaces that also explicitly love, and welcome, trans and gender-nonconforming people. Our identities shouldn’t be opposed, but in communion with each other: butch and femme, trans and cis, lesbian and queer. So I’m surprised to say I might actually travel with Olivia again, skeptical as I remain of cruise ethics in general. And that’s because of all the things that happened in the eight days I spent aboard the Summit — things I wasn’t remotely expecting. Now, some women feel content as roommates, and resign themselves to living without much – or any – physical or emotional intimacy.What I didn’t expect was everything else that would happen to me — and is still happening to me — thanks to this one little week in my otherwise pleasantly uneventful life.

But we were not prepared for what followed. Next day as we reached college, we knew something was different. Did people stare at us for a little longer than necessary? Did the girls stopped talking when we reached the stuffy common room? We had no idea. Unfortunately, people have a very specific image of what an LGBT person is due to stereotypes (for example, that they are into fashion or going out to bars). If you do not know many LGBT people, you might be tempted to apply these stereotypes to your roommate. Don’t do this! Instead, remember that your roommate is an individual person with a unique personality and set of likes or dislikes. Even if they do happen to match some stereotypes, focus on getting to know your roommate instead of making inferences about them based on the stereotypes. On the flip side, if you are the LGBT roommate: Do not feel pressured to come out if the environment is unsafe It sounds shallow to imply that, in the beginning, I fell for her simply because of her style, her stuff. But what attracted me was the care and attention to detail she demonstrated via a lifetime’s accumulation and curation of these things. Together they made up the way she wanted to be seen in the public eye, the way she wanted to move through the world. She was not a boy but a full-grown butch who, at 53, was confident in who she was and what she wanted. I get you clothes sometimes, so it would be perfectly reasonable if I got some from you too. Again, any guy who braves any type of dreadful clothing store deserves an award too.Before meeting Lynette, she of the multiple grooming products, I’d gotten used to dating people whose own beauty routines consisted of, if anything, 3-in-1 body wash. They tended to gently poke fun at me for all my feminine trappings: the 20 minutes I’d spend each day on my serums. I’m a little ashamed of how, over the years, living beside various permutations of my partners’ easy masculinity, I’d defend my own femme rituals with I’m-not-like-other-girls insistence: Hey, at least I don’t shave! At least I barely wear any makeup! My frivolity was never out of hand. And I prided myself for that, for the ways in which I deliberately limited myself. When we boarded, Dana introduced me to the adorable boomer-millennial pair in charge of Olivia’s Solos Program, which caters to women (single or partnered) who decide to go on trips alone. I got my own Solos dog tag and a pink Olivia bracelet to signify my newbie status. How adorable, nice, thoughtful and utterly fantastic it would be if you gave me something handmade. It would surely be a present I would never forget and keep forever. We all formed one big circle, and the staffers got the ball rolling. First things first: How had we all heard about Olivia? And Michelle and I have found that to be true. In some ways, we know each other incredibly well, and there’s a lot of comfort in that. In other ways, we keep changing, and life keeps throwing us new challenges to respond to – and that keeps our relationship alive and interesting.

If you’re content in a relationship without intimacy, that’s fine. No one can tell you how your relationship should be, and having a companionable roommate is no small thing! Later in the week, Tisha Floratos, the vice president of travel for Olivia, told me that she and her staff think about this a lot. “We’ve talked about how we begin to promote inclusivity while also preserving our core: that this is a company for lesbians. We don’t publicly, historically, say that we’re trans inclusive, but we’re always welcoming to our trans guests.”Her husband reacted surprisingly well too, suggesting that they enrol in therapy to help both of them exit their long-standing relationship. I took this as my cue to make a commitment and said I would move to the suburbs to be with her and her three children, once her husband had moved out. If any of these scenarios have happened to you, don’t worry – you’re in good company! They happen to most couples – and from what we’ve seen, they tend to happen in particular ways to lesbians and queer women.