Unshame: Healing trauma-based shame through psychotherapy

Product Information

I am a survivor of Sexual Assault, both in my childhood and as an adult. I have trouble calling it r*pe because that word is too cold and clinical to describe the emotional, mental and physical devastation of the act(s) that changed my life not once, but twice.

Nowadays I no longer experience the world in quite such a fragmented way, because of the healing journey I’ve been on, which I summarise elsewhere as ‘regulation and integration’, but the fact that I no longer satisfy diagnostic criteria doesn’t make me different as a human being. I am someone who has experienced chronic, extreme abuse in childhood, and I’ve had to work really hard to regulate the impact of that on me, to integrate that trauma to form a coherent sense of self and my own history. But that doesn’t make me more than or less than. If we reduce the baseline down to our humanness, we lose that sense of hierarchy and superiority or inferiority which is based in shame. So the two very much go together in my opinion, and they go together in my book as well. The words that are said, so to speak, in the therapy setting in the book, are highly psychoeducational at one level. So I’m using the book to explain some of these concepts, by narrating how I came to understand them in the first place. But then I’m also framing that within the context of the supportive therapeutic relationship, and the repeated moments of attunement – and misattunement – that went on between us as two human beings. Introducing the concept of ‘neuroception’ and shame as a response to unsafety in terms of relational threat. I think shame is principally shifted via right-brain mechanisms – compassionate presence, empathy, attunement. But we’re not just right-brain people. We have both hemispheres for a reason, and they support each other. So when we use psychoeducation, which is principally focused on the left side of our brain, when we learn about shame, about the three zones of the trauma traffic light and how shame resides principally in the red zone … when we learn the strategies of abusers, who are acting ‘shamelessly’ to transfer the shame and responsibility of their abuse to their victims … when we understand these concepts, it can really support us to be open to right-brain experiences. Also in the book Carolyn covers forgiveness, self compassion and vulnerability. It is humbling being allowed to witness her thinking and movement towards these states. SummaryMy journey out of shame therefore has mirrored my journey out of trauma, and actually I’d say that largely they are the same thing. Trauma sends us out of the green zone into amber or red. Shame likewise sends out of the green zone, usually into red. They are both ways in which our nervous system is dysregulated. The answer to both is regulation – someone who’s in the green zone and able to stay in the green zone, coming alongside us and using their ‘regulated-ness’ to help to regulate our nervous system – so that we can integrate what’s happened to us; so that we can have an integrated sense of self. Probably my main insight, at least for myself, is that shame isn’t all bad. It’s something that we think of as debilitating and ugly and just destructive, and it is those things, but it’s those things for a reason. Really, shame is just trying to protect us and keep us safe. It’s beating us up for a reason. It lies to us to try to keep us from being hurt. Great book– Read this inspiring book a few months ago and bought another copy to gift to someone else. The most helpful and insightful book on how to help someone who has experienced trauma I have ever read.” But what I know, having been on the receiving end of it, is that therapy can be highly effective in resolving trauma, in disarming shame. My life is completely different as a result of it – as a result of being on the receiving end of compassion and empathy week in, week out. Inspirational, insightful, empowering and humbling! I’ve already started to use this material with my clients and can see a difference in us both, with an increased understanding and relationship with shame. Thank you for your honesty, strength and courage, Carolyn – not just to share your story, but to share your recovery and help counsellors to work with shame with a greater depth of appreciation and understanding.”

Now that I've finished, feel... emotionally flayed, but also grateful, seen, vindicated. I admire very much how she's able to be so intensely vulnerable in the hope of helping others. I mean, this woman gets me, down to the marrow without exception. Unshame- healing trauma-based shame through psychotherapy By Carolyn Spring. Carolyn Spring Publishing (2019)

Receive updates

For survivors of child sexual abuse, shame is a kind of universal, identifying characteristic. And for survivors of other kinds of trauma, shame is never far away: if not shame at what happened, then shame at how we responded. Shame and the freeze response go hand-in-hand. And yet shame has its roots in our evolution and is not an accident. It has a protective function, so, if approached in the right way, could it actually be our friend? Introducing polyvagal theory in terms of a ‘trauma traffic light’ and shame as a ‘red zone’ instinctive physiological and neurobiological response. Exploring the suitability of the ‘standard therapeutic frame’ for working with complex trauma and embedded shame. But I think that’s shame speaking, and that one of the ways out of shame is to really fall in love with who you are. To really know who you are. Because shame says, ‘You’re not enough. You’re not good enough. You’re bad. You’re unacceptable. You won’t be liked as you are.’ And unshame says, ‘I’m okay just as I am. I AM good enough. I AM acceptable. I am me, and it’s okay to be me.’

Exploring the need for therapists to guard against ‘puffing up’ (taking on the role of the ‘expert’, or shaming the client) or ‘shrinking down’ (acceding to imposter syndrome, or being shamed by the client.) A truly wonderful brave and important exploration of shame. I have come away knowing I have learnt a lot. This is in part through cognitive knowledge and new perspectives and importantly through self reflection and feeling my own relationship to shame in the ways put forward.”

One of the things I’m particularly interested in is, who are we when we strip away the trauma? Quite understandably, the trauma can be so overwhelming – as it was for me – that we live our lives looking through its lens. It’s like the air around us – we can’t see it, we just breathe it in and everything we see and hear and perceive is carried through it as a medium. And so we have a trauma-centric view of ourselves. I think this is what drives the need for many people with DID to reify their parts – to make them more real than they are, to elaborate them and live their lives through their parts. I think it makes perfect sense. Exploring the impact of prior trauma on state regulation, and framing resilience as the ability to shift fluidly and contingently between states. And so, when we have the courage to be vulnerable, although there is always the risk of being hurt, there is also the reward of connecting with others and realising that we’re not alone.

As a psychotherapist I benefited most from reading how Carolyn grappled with her thoughts, and the insights that arose. I did a lot of reflecting regarding the therapy I offer my clients, reaffirming that trusting process is both important for therapist and client. It is not a book which adds to knowledge that is already available, such as the work of Babette Rothschild in particular, but it does demonstrate it working in practice. It feels intrinsically wrong to rate or review something like this, but I'm going to try and articulate how important this book is to me. In my course ‘ Working with Shame’ I talk about how empathy and compassion are the antidote to shame, and that’s what I really try to evoke in the book. There’s a chapter called ‘ I see suffering’ all about the power of compassionate presence. And it was really difficult to write, because how do you put into words this invisible, silent power – of compassion? How do you explain what it’s like to be on the receiving end of empathy, especially when you’ve grown up on the receiving end of abuse? It’s beyond words. But that’s the nature, really, of therapy – I think, when we dig down into it, we want to parcel therapy up and file it and label it and know what’s going on. But a lot of the time we can’t. Therapy theory tries to put into words what is wordless, what is ineffable. Because it’s two human beings sitting together in a place of pain and suffering, and where the compassion, empathy and attunement of the therapist shifts something in the nervous system and the neural networks of the client. But we can’t see what it is. We can’t see how it is. You just know if you’ve been on the receiving end of it that something has changed. But you don’t even know what. Introducing a roadmap for the course content based on a non-triggering approach to shame (state, stance, story). I am very impressed by the quality of this training. Carolyn’s honesty as a survivor is to be admired and respected – she has created a course which is of great benefit to others dealing with experiences which have left an impact on them. As soon as I started the course it was benefitting my practice – changing my knowledge and understanding.”

In this episode

And so in writing about shame, which is a relational emotion, I wanted to write about it in the context of relationship. And I wanted to evoke characters and setting and narrative and the things that we’d normally associate with creative writing, with fiction. I wanted to paint a picture of shame rather than just cite ten research studies. Raw and Real – My therapist introduced me to Carolyn Spring, and I’m so glad she did. In ‘Unshame’, Carolyn shares her experiences; highlighting the pain of trauma and the complexity of recovery. Her vulnerability and openness invites you to relate to her thought processes and apply the recovery practices to yourself. She also offers honest hope for recovery from trauma.” And so shame steps in to keep us safe from it. Shame says, ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know enough to write this book or deliver this course or record this podcast. You’re not interesting enough or original enough or clever enough or qualified enough. Who do you think you are? Brené Brown? Better not get too big for your boots. Better not get out of your box. You’re not good enough.’ I cannot write from the clients or survivor’s perspective. I feel all peoples experiences will be different. One message to take home is as a survivor you have not done anything wrong. Nothing, absolutely nothing. Resources