From the first minute you know that you can't take it seriously. Just watch the first minutes when a lap dance is going wrong. The guy enjoying it turns into a werewolf and is killed by the stripper. But look at the werewolf, it really looks ridiculous. From there on we move to the strip joint Vixen. Do I need to say more. Split screens are used and it's up to you to watch the story moving on or a girl stripping. And face it, you don't watch it for the acting of the girls. Raven (Barbara Nedeljakova of Hostel fame) just is as wooden as it is. She's a joy for the eye and I met her in the flesh when she was in Hostel but here, no can do.

What if we had Jonathan Glendening’s version of a Higgins script? I’d pay to see that. The evidence I have seen suggests that it would have been a dark, twisted and fascinating movie. Cluster F-Bomb: Carlos lets loose a lot of f-bombs in excitement after killing a rival werewolf gang. Time Skip: The movie starts in 1984, showing a place called "Silvadollas" blowing up. Then it jumps ahead to 2011, when the movie takes place. Then it jumps ahead to 2012 when the surviving girls are helping Sinclair hunt monsters.

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Actually the title here, "Strippers vs Werewolves", says it all. Do not venture here and watch this movie unless you got nothing else better to do. This movie was right up the alley along side similar movie titled "Zombie Strippers". Starting to think that anything with the word 'stripper' in it is not really all that great and worth sitting down to watch. One of the film’s biggest problems is the absolutely awful werewolf design. The big challenge with werewolves as a monster, as I have observed elsewhere, is the complexity of the make-up. Couple of pointy teeth - that’s a vampire. Pale complexion and blood-spattered clothes - you’ve got yourself a zombie. Double exposure - hey presto, one ghost. Chainsaw - maniac, sorted. But a werewolf? That takes time and effort. Now imagine that you have to do make-up for half a dozen werewolves, who are in about half of the movie’s running time, and your entire budget is not quite enough to buy a decent Chinese meal for two. What are you gonna do? The cast, aside from Bastian are dreadful, and considering that Berkoff, Ford, Compston, and even Murray are quite prolific, that's some going.

There have been some really zany over the top horror comedies come along over the last few years bust most focused on the zombie craze with films like Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland, and Zombie Strippers, but finally someone has decided to bring in the werewolves in Strippers vs. Werewolves. Is there any chance that this will work or fall along the lines of the so many other failed horror films? In summary, these werewolves are - and I say this within a fortnight of having watched Wolfpeople - strong contenders for the crappiest werewolves ever shown on screen. But I suppose that, since we only know that the women are strippers because we’re told so, it makes sense that the same should be true of the werewolves. Now, the werewolves in this movie were not that bad. Sure, they weren't traditional werewolves as we have come to know (and love) from movies and books. They looked more like some kind of hybrid version, and personally, I think it was a nice touch to see something out of the ordinary for a change. Let me see now if my arithmetic is right then even one cinema showing this in the entire United Kingdom only received a grand total of between four to eight paying patrons ! Surely this must be either some mistake or some type of record . Surely no film can be bad enough to receive such low box office ?There's a bit of funny situations going on, like for example the dead body in the trunk and the strippers thinking they are seeing a woody, or when one of the guys is peeping tom and jerking off when one of the girls do go full frontal. And here you have it, the story isn't what it's all about. You just watch it for the scantily clad girls. I Always Wanted to Say That: One of the werewolves says this in defence of the looks he gets from the other werewolves for saying " Little pig, little pig, let me come in.". Bastian saves face, but when your biggest role is in the poor soap Hollyoaks, it isn't saying much. The plot actually makes sense, if you can follow it. A stripper manages to kill a werewolf with a silver fountain pen. His mates want revenge. Her colleagues put up a fight. Obviously there's a bit more to it than that.

A caveat should be made here. The following is to some extent conjecture based on the available evidence. None of the principal interested parties is prepared to discuss the creation of this film in any detail, at least not on the record. And once you’ve seen it you’ll understand why.) Make up effects could be worse, and they suit the film in some strange way, but the film tries too hard. England pops up for no real reason other than to elevate the film a little, and he really looks like he knows this.

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Meanwhile, the really fit one from Hollyoaks stands around cooing at a bouncer, but doesn't know that Johnny Allen from Eastenders is still mad that Martin has been killed. The effects were ridiculous, the script was ridiculous, the acting was well below par for those who took part, the direction was the only joke in this film (Except the joke at the paying audiences expense), the split screen cinematography was just bloody annoying and as for the trendy comic book images flashed up in place of action well the less said about that the better... Also not helping matters is the way the werewolves move, which largely consists of holding out their hands, crouching slightly and pulling a scary face like they’re chasing children at a family picnic. They never seem to growl and apart from one off-screen sound effect right at the start, I don’t think there’s a proper howl anywhere in the movie. Stylistically, SvW is a mess. Every so often it tries to turn into a comic-book on screen, with a handful of ‘Meanwhile...’ captions and some static images polarised to look like comic-book frames. There is a constant jumping around between scenes, sometimes cutting after every other line. For example Billy Murray’s meeting with Freddy Krueger, despite having no real narrative purpose, was at least originally an oppressively nasty meeting of two amoral monsters, playing on Englund’s talent for oozing evil. As it stands, the scene just cuts every ten seconds to a presumably simultaneous sequence in the club of Jeanette rallying her troops. This completely diffuses every iota of menace from the prison scene.

So I’m not here to praise or bury SvW but to take a look at it, see what works, see what doesn’t. In a sense, that should be all that matters. If it ain’t on screen it ain’t in the scene and it ain’t been seen, as the saying goes. That said, I’m certainly interested - as you may also be - in why things are the way they are. Why this works and that doesn’t. What I’m not looking to do is appoint personal blame for ‘ruining’ or ‘destroying’ this film (that’s assuming it turns out to be a bit rubbish; we’ll get to that in a bit, but you may have got that impression from general internet scuttlebutt). Because even if one or more individuals are responsible, who cares? A silly little film that doesn’t matter turns out to be not as good as it could have been. And in other news, people are homeless, politicians are corrupt, the environment is going to shit and I’ve got a painful boil on my toe. Now here’s Andy with sports...In the Hood: The strippers all put on Little Red Riding Hood-style red cloaks with hoods for their final showdown with the werewolves. The story in "Strippers vs Werewolves" is about a group of strippers at Club Vixen who get tangled up with a band of werewolves when one of the dancers kills one of the werewolves. So it is basically a death match of beauty versus the beast, so to speak. The storyline was a bit stupid, but it wasn't slow paced or dull, so that was working for the movie at least. Well, the title of this film might lead you to think that this is either really cool in a postmodern ironic sort of way or truly dire. It's worth watching just so you can make your mind up. Chromatic Arrangement: Franklyn and Dani are approached by a trio of teenagers consisting of two boys and a girl. The boys are dressed one in red and one in green, and the girl in blue. Its a wonderful title, and fans of soaps will recognise lots of the cast, something your mum and dad would watch because of who is in it, but alas,mother film is one big mess.