Every Family Has A Story: How to Grow and Move Forward Together

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I wanted to look beneath the skin of some of these types of families to find out what went on and to ask questions: what is it that enables some families to thrive despite enormous adversity when others fragment? What predicts family breakdown? Why do our families drive us mad? Julia: But your honesty does flatter to you because honesty shines a light, right? And lights are illuminating a lights spring glow. And they bring people. And that’s what you do. You gather because of your honesty and your humility with your honesty, to say hard things and let yourself feel hard things. Other people can then face their own and look at their own and they see you can see how you do. It is true. It’s it’s truly an incredible gift.

Julia Samuel brings her characteristic warmth, compassion and wisdom to the vital matter of how families function. She writes with unfailing grace, tenderness and consummate story-telling. Everyone who reads this will learn something profound—about themselves, their origins and the people they love most dearly.” —Dr. Rachel ClarkeKim Hawley's family at her baptism in 1990. Before you start documenting, think about what you want to accomplish — what period of time or story do you want to learn about — and who you want to tell the story? Julia: One of the ways in is to think about it with curiosity, like, you know, what I’m feeling and how I am and what I understand and the beliefs I hold. They didn’t start with me, like look up and look across, and look and see what has been passed down from generation to generation. And what am I holding that is no longer really mine with this idea that the difficulty or the pain of one generation it is, isn’t dealt with in that generation. The coping mechanisms or it’s even the genetics get passed down to the next generation until someone’s prepared to feel the pain. And so that we are the product of many stories and to the strapline in my book is how we inherit love and loss, how we deal with love, which is the thing that matters most in the world. But also that life is difficult and challenging and scary and maddening. We learn from the adults around us and they learned it from their adults. And so we need to kind of really begin to see the untold stories, the secrets, the lies. Because my one of my biggest things is that what we often do as a way of protecting other people or protecting our children or even protecting ourselves in the end becomes an armor that keeps other people out and you disconnected from yourself. We don't usually interact with loved ones through interviews, so the format can feel awkward. The best way to break through the tension is to start with a few warm-ups — basic fact-gathering questions such as a favorite memory from childhood — and continue with open-ended versus yes or no questions ("How was X?" or "What did Y mean to you?").

The basis of our beliefs and values is programmed into us through our family, whether we follow or rebel against that family system. Most importantly, we gain our sense of our own value from our family: we come innately to believe we are of worth, or not. One aspect of the book that I truly appreciated was the closing paragraphs of each chapter. I liked that there wasn't always a neatly wrapped-up happy ending. By no means do I imply that I wished for negative outcomes, but I believe the book effectively conveys realistic expectations of therapy. It reminds readers that engaging in group therapy or any form of therapy doesn't guarantee that all problems will vanish. Instead, therapy serves as a means to transcend conflicts rather than eradicate them. Every Family Has A Story provides the tools that will help with this work of improving our relationships. Its twelve touchstones for family well-being show how to communicate effectively, set boundaries, fight productively and allow change.

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With her usual warmth and wisdom, bestselling psychotherapist Julia Samuel explores the family- what we inherit and how we can change This was a very interesting book. I am a big proponent of Therapy For Everybody, but family therapy seems to play second fiddle to individual – presumably because of how hard it is to get a group of potentially therapy-averse people around one table. I will say the fact that Samuels is attempting to be inclusive of many different types and varieties of families means that some specificity is lost. This is coming from a place of extreme privilege wherein I do not experience racism or homophobia, nor do I have significant traumas in my past. However, I still have mental health struggles, so the books that speak to me the most are the ones who deal with people like me – people who from the outside look like they shouldn’t have problems. All the same, this is still a valuable book with actionable insights.

Kate: Yes. And that they could do that work. Rebuilding a story that they could then live inside. Must have been so powerful for them. Yeah. Especially when things are. When things are so far gone, I imagine it’s much easier just to say, I mean, that happened so long in the past. Let me tell you about the relationship I have thats driving me crazy now. But the hard excavation must have been very intense. Read more about how bodies hold on to trauma and childhood stress in a book written Besel Vander Kolk in The Body Keeps Score . Kate also talks to Besel about this same topic in the podcast episode called “Our Bodies Keep Score ”. Kate: I remember trying to ask my dad if. You know, parents have this overwhelming desire. It’s like the first thing on their mind. If they see their kid in pain. How can I take this on to me? Like, how can I just absorb this? I remember how much work I was doing in trying to wrap things up. It was just. It was such a rough time that it just kept going. It was like the first two years of endless. You know, almost dying, almost, almost, almost, almost all the time. And and. So I was I was kind of caught in that push pull feeling where I kept trying to sort of, like, pump the brakes for them, give everybody closure before. I was done living and remember the first time I lost it.

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Julia Samuel is so wise and compassionate. I love every word she writes and long for every reader—every person—to experience her unique and generous way of being in the world.” —Cathy Rentzenbrink Join Author and psychotherapist, Julia Samuels as she discusses her latest publication with psychoanalyst and Author, Stephen Grosz. An essential, clever and kind book that reminds us that we can never hope to understand ourselves without deeply understanding our families. A testament to the ongoing relevance of psychotherapy and to Julia Samuel’s preeminent skill as an author and therapist.” —Alain de Boton Since we live longer, rearing children takes only half of our adult lifespan. We therefore live as adults in our family for much longer than we did in the past, carrying with us the burden or gifts from it. Every person living in these different models of family will have their unique response to them, which will be informed by their genetics, environment and experience.