The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

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Now, in The Book of Boundaries, she shows you how boundaries are the key to better mental health, increased energy, improved productivity, and more fulfilling relationships. The Book of Boundaries is an empowering book. Touching on everyday situations and relationships that we are part of, Melissa helped me build confidence in building and recognizing boundaries. The book is divided into three parts with a total of twelve chapters. I learned the most from the chapter on setting boundaries with parents and in-laws, grandparents and other family members (chapter 4), boundaries in romantic relationships (chapter 6) and self-boundaries (chapter 10). The chapters on table talk (chapter 8) and sensitive subjects (chapter 9) were ones I hadn’t even thought about and they opened my mind to new ideas. I get where Nancy is coming from. We (especially women) are often told that it’s selfish to put our own feelings and needs first. This is a common objection to boundaries: that setting them feels cold or punitive, like you’re building a wall between people and creating division. But remember, boundaries aren’t walls, they’re fences. And good fences make for good neighbors. Practical and inspiring, The Book of Boundaries will empower you to prioritise your needs and lead a life that feels bigger, freer and happier.

In an effort to be understood, we have a tendency to overshare and over explain our decisions. I have done this many times in the past but it was only when Melissa laid out the consequences of such a move that I recognized that has happened to me too. I am learning to know my reasons for myself, particularly in situations where someone asks me to do something for them and I don’t want to.

My best friend, Lauren, and I chatted about this lesson. As a society, we are not just bad at saying no, we are also bad at accepting no. I was telling them about a Christmas exchange I was part of where I got offered something and I declined. The next five minutes were uncomfortable because the gifter wanted to know why I won’t accept their gift and I personally was thinking out loud and trying to understand my own aversion. As I looked through The Book of Boundaries days later for writing this review, I realized I had forgotten lesson 2. 🙂 My only very minimal gripe is that I am still scared of some of these...confrontations (because some feel like it). Clearly, this is not the author's or the book's problem, but a sign of areas in which I need to work. However, it would be nice to have some tips on how to build confidence in the area of boundaries for these more difficult conversations. Speaking up in the moment, advocating for yourself, and asking for what you need is uncomfortable. But what’s both uncomfortable and damaging is reaffirming the story that someone else’s feelings are more important or worthy than your own – which is what you do every time you swallow your healthy boundary in an effort to keep the peace. I also got tons of book recommendations from The Book of Boundaries and am diving into them. A few noteworthy ones are: Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do by Eve Rodsky ( Goodreads), Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski ( Goodreads) and Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything by B. J. Fogg ( Goodreads). Do your relationships often feel one-sided or unbalanced? Are you always giving in just so things will go smoothly? Do you wish you could learn to say no—but, like, nicely? Are you depleted, overwhelmed, and tired of putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to establish some boundaries.

Overall this is a pretty decent book on boundaries. The scripts in this book are gold and the primary reason it got 4 stars. I asked Nancy how many mornings she might be willing to spend in her neighbor’s company—from zero days to every morning of the week. She replied that she’d enjoy walking with her once a week on the weekend, so I sent Nancy a script for her to use the following day: “Good morning! Hey, I’m going to start walking by myself again during the week. This is the only alone time I get, and I really need it for my mental health. Would you like to join me on Saturday morning when things are more relaxed?” Nancy loved the suggestion. This allowed them both to get what they wanted—some quality time when they’re both feeling relaxed, and the alone time Nancy needed to recharge during the busy work week.

Endorsements

The truth is when someone over steps your limit there is no comfortable solution. But one path is paved with short-term discomfort that leads to major long-term improvements in your health and happiness… and the other that is just an endless circle that leaves you feeling unworthy, anxious, and angry, and resentful. The Book of Boundaries, pg 31 I define boundaries as clear limits you establish around the ways you allow people to engage with you, so that you can keep yourself and your relationships safe and healthy. […] you’re always in charge of where those limits lie, and enforcing them. The Book of Boundaries, pg 6

What a book! I am confident that there is something in there for you. You are worthy of putting yourself first. Downsides are that the green, yellow, and red light system are somewhat simplistic, particularly in examples, and she doesn't show how altering the situation slightly or your own goals might change the framing of the response. I do appreciate that she notes: A woman named Nancy recently sent me a message on social media: “I take a walk by myself every morning, for my own mental health. Lately, my elderly neighbor has been inviting herself along, waiting for me to come outside, then joining me. She’s very nice, and it’s clear she likes the company, but this is the only alone time I get in my day. How can I say no to her without feeling mean?” Boundaries allow those who care about us to support us in the way we want to be supported. They provide a clear line between what we find helpful and harmful, so people don’t have to try to read our minds. They let us engage in relationships fully and openly, knowing we’ve clearly expressed our limits and made it easier for others to respect our needs. In fact, the best way to preserve a relationship often includes setting boundaries within it.scripts with language you can use to instantly establish boundaries with bosses and co-workers, romantic partners, parents and in-laws, co-parents, friends, family, neighbors, strangers—and yourself Setting healthy boundaries is good for your relationships, your business, and your finances. The Book of Boundaries shows you how to stand up for yourself, say no, and communicate your needs in a way that leaves you feeling confident and empowered. Through her stories, personal experiences, and research,Melissa Urban gives you the tools, affirmations, and language you need to reclaim your time, energy, and health.” —Tiffany Aliche, New York Times bestselling author of Get Good with Money