Famous Anus: Stories From a Decade Under the Sinfluence

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When I stop the tap and disconnect the nozzle, Barb keeps screaming. Her asshole spasms around the plug, but she’s too tight to leak. Her flat little belly is bloated out from all the water. Anal penetration can directly stimulate the prostate if you have a penis. If you have a vagina, anal penetration can indirectly stimulate its sensitive front wall, which some call the G-spot. Both the prostate and this front wall are typically located about two to three inches inside the body on the belly side, so angle the insertable up and toward the belly at a medium-to-shallow depth to stimulate them.

Being the hungry bitch I am, I ate a big burrito before a hookup. He was huge, and he thrust his penis up in me while I was slowly easing down. Puke and shit came out of me at the same time. It covered him and the bed, and I ran to the bathroom, embarrassed. I never talked to him ever again." I did kiss someone when I was 3 but I don’t think that counts (it was magical). It happened again when I was 13 with a disgusting boy at a party, it was like a washing machine and then I was gone with the wind (again, magical).’ My fiancée’s dad is a gastroenterologist. He’s told a ton of these stories, but my all-time-favorite is the guy who was ‘lathering’ an absolute ton in the shower until the phone rang. He jumped out and slipped, falling onto a medium-sized Yankee candle. Had to go under to get this thing out.”I'm pleased to announce that I've just published a new story collection, Twelve of the Best: Volume 13! She retrieved a blanket from the closet and placed it over him. He groaned softly, letting out some of his tension. The sound drifted as if from a far-away planet. In my defence, it was the first time I had ever been prescribed co-codamol and didn’t know it reacted with alcohol. I was 14 and at a friend’s house party. A few of us had some drinks beforehand, very casually. Her parents were quite strict. 10 minutes later, the alcohol and co-codamol reacted. I have a vivid memory of being on the floor of her bathroom and not being able to move. I would will myself to stand up but would flop to the floor like a jellyfish. Her mum had to drive me home. I don’t think my mum has actually been angrier with me since.’

Uncle Jim is married to a woman named Rhonda, whose hobby is crochet. No, not “hobby,” exactly: her crocheting is a compulsion, perhaps some kind of illness. Rhonda crochets cozies not only for the extra toilet paper rolls, as I’ve seen in some of my friends’ bathrooms, but also for the phone and the phone book and the dog and my uncle’s guns and both of their toothbrushes. This cozying does not make the objects look cozier; it makes them look ashamed. Remember what I told you Kenny," Larry had said, "about the different parts of the canoe?" He knew Kenny liked to be tested on his knowledge. This story starts when my parents drop me off at my uncle Jim’s house, on the way to the hospital where my little sister is about to be born. I am six years old. At the end of the day, when it comes to anal sex, do what makes your body feel good. And don’t give up if your first attempt isn't immediately wonderful: This type of play can have a bit of a learning curve, so go at your own pace, communicate with your partner, and enjoy the ride.I remember my first time because I was in the bath and the shower head ended up between my legs and was feeling quite nice. Got quite into it and then the shower head came off.’