Greg, I Get It! by Nessa, Age 38 I started dating a guy I really liked. We met at a party when we were drunk, and we hooked up a little. Then we were dating, and I was so nervous around him (because I liked him so much) that I drank more than I normally did. He likes to drink too, so I was also just trying to keep up with him. Finally I realized that we were getting drunk at some point every time we saw each other. Normally I would just stay quiet and see how it all turned out, but this time I got up the nerve to say something. He listened to me and agreed to have a “sober” date. It was awkward at first, but then awesome. I’m so glad I had the courage to speak up! IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG 100% of guys polled said they have never accidentally slept with anyone. (But many of them wanted to know how this accident could occur, and how they can get involved in such an accident.) This is What’s Hard about This One, by Liz In my life, I have had two men tell me that they had slept with someone else, in the beginning stages of our relationship. (In one case, it came to me in a dream, literally, and I confronted him. That really freaked him out.) Anyway, both times what I got from it was that these men wanted me to know that they could never be trusted. They were barely in the relationship and had already pulled the escape hatch. The beginning of two people getting together is such a fragile, tender time. There’s nothing like a big pail of Sleeping with Someone Else to put out the fires of a budding relationship. I personally would never be able to overcome that. So this isn’t really a tough one for me. Now, if I use my imagination, I could see that in the beginning, the lines are not that clearly drawn, the rules aren’t that firmly in place yet. Maybe it is the last fling before the final commitment. If it’s early in the relationship, it can be hard to know if the guy is just getting something out of his system and it’s a one-time thing, or if it’s a guy who’s just a big jerk. That’s the thing about dating—you’re having intimate experiences with someone who, at the end of the day, you don’t know very well. You don’t know his personal code of honor, you don’t have his dating rap sheet. You have to go by instinct, how much you care about him, and what he has to say for himself about it. All I can think is, how sad to be having that conversation in the beginning of things, when everything is supposed to be cozy and snugly and people are usually on their best behavior. If nothing else, I wish better for us all. I really do. Q&A with Greg I know some of these ideas are new to people and hard to digest. Because of that, I feel Greg still has a little explaining to do, to make sure no one walks away with the wrong idea. Okay, I’m not going to lie—I can use Greg to explain a few things…to me. Some of these ideas are hard to digest. —Liz This one is tough. Tough because some people really do not ever want to get married to anybody. And some people just aren’t sure they want to get married to the person they are with. We all know someone who dated a person for FOREVER and then they broke-up, met a different person, and then got married in eight months. The book (and movie) insists love cures commitment-phobia. And I’m sure while that’s true some of the time, committing to someone also probably has to do with sharing similar values. Maybe someone is really into you bust just doesn’t believe in the institution of marriage. Then it becomes a question of if you’re okay with that. But one thing I don’t encourage is believing that you can change someone because you’re dating them. Sometimes you can, but most times you can’t. For me, this would be my cue to bid the dude bon voyage. 8. “He’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you.”

Guys tell you how they feel even if you refuse to listen or believe them. “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship” truly means “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship with you” or “I’m not sure that you’re the one.” (Sorry.) Better than nothing is not good enough for you! If you don’t know where the relationship is going, it’s okay to pull over and ask. Murky? Not good. There’s a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he’s your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him. Greg, I Get It! by Dorrie, Age 32 I was dating a guy I met on a job. We had to spend a lot of time together and it was really romantic getting to know him and working with him. After the job ended, we’d still get together and go on dates and kiss good night. This went on for two months. He would never take it any farther. But in the meantime I met his family, went to big functions with him, made plans with him. It was like we were seriously dating, but without the sex. I knew he hadn’t been in a relationship for a long time, so I thought he was just taking it slow. But then I realized, Greg, after the third month, that he was getting to feel intimate with me without actually being intimate with me. I got up the nerve to ask him if this was how it was going to continue, and he started blubbering and stammering about relationships and how scary they are and whatever. I got out of there and fast, because I realized, no matter how nice he was to me, and how intimate we were pretending to be, he was just not that into me and I wanted more.He’s Just Not That Into You is a guide to realizing the behaviors of men that tell you when he’s not into you. The Big Takeaways: Here’s Why This One is Hard, by Liz A lot of people think marriage is bullshit. A lot of women, men, philosophers, anthropologists, psychologists, feminists, and scientists all think, for different reasons, that marriage is a deeply flawed, outdated institution built for failure. Toss a quarter anywhere and it will hit someone who’ll be happy to tell you something bad about marriage. So there’s all that. But is that what we’re really talking about here? I don’t think so. I think that sometimes men want you to think that’s what the debate is about. But let’s be clear. The question at hand is only this: Is he making lame transparent excuses about marriage to cover for the fact that he really doesn’t ever see a future with you? - 26 -

The “But He’s Very Important” Excuse Dear Greg, You’re dumb. A guy who I’m going out with (who I asked out, Greg, by the way) is totally important and totally busy. He’s a music video director and travels and has long shoots and lots and lots of responsibilities. Sometimes when he’s working, I don’t hear from him for days and days. He’s really busy, Greg! Some guys are just really, really busy! Don’t you ever have really, really busy days? I’ve learned to live with it and not give him any shit, because I know that’s the price I pay for going out with someone really successful and hot and busy. Why are you telling these women to be so needy?! Nikki FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Nikki, Good to hear from you again. Well, not really. Listen, Nikki. Really busy is another way to say “just not that into you.” Totally important is another way to say, “you’re unimportant.” How great that you’ve “landed” someone that even you think is out of your league. Too busy and important to ask you out or call you—what a catch. Congratulations on your quasi-relationship! It must feel amazing to know that you’ve been programmed into the super hot and important busy guy’s cell phone, even if he never uses it to call you. You must be the envy of every woman he’s really dating. I’m about to make a wild, extreme, and severe relationship rule: The word “busy” is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you’re going to find is a man who didn’t care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want. - 11 - This is What It Should Look Like, by Greg Don’t ask me how I know, because I don’t want to tell you, but I can assure you that my parents, who are in their seventies, after children, illnesses, aging, stressful jobs, and daily annoyances (read: life), are still having sex. If my parents can do it, so can you and your boyfriend. Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook Oh my God. It’s so weird. We found this on the floor when we were writing this book. It’s from your future boyfriend. Isn’t that a weird coincidence? Hey, Hot Stuff, Can’t wait till you get over that guy you were with. He sounds like a real jerk. Hope it’s soon. You’re way too tasty to be alone for too long. Come find me. I’m out here waiting. Your Future

It’s So Simple Yes. You are going to meet many men in many different stages of recovering from relationships. If he is really into you, he will get over his issues fast and make sure he doesn’t lose you. Or he will make it clear to you how he feels, so there’s no mystery, and tell you up front that he’s not up to it right now. And then you can best be sure, the minute he is ready, he will run out and find you. You are not easily forgettable. People tell you who they are all the time. When a man says he can’t be monogamous, you should believe him. Companionship is wonderful, but companionship with sex is even better. Call a spade a spade or, more fittingly, a friend a friend, and go find yourself a friend that can’t keep his hands off you. Your lost self-esteem may take longer to find than a new boyfriend, so prioritize accordingly. If you’re tempted to spend countless nights just cuddling with someone, buy a puppy. There’s someone out there that does want to have sex with you, hot stuff. - 18 -