How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids

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The phenomenon is well-studied among mothers, in particular, in whom it is called matrescence. And these changes, which can range from hormonal shifts that affect behaviour to body image, often start in pregnancy. For the non-birthing parent, seeing their partner change even before the baby comes can be confusing and disorienting. Dunn begins her efforts to change her situation when she realizes that she's reached a breaking point. "Our daughter is now six, and Tom and I still have endless, draining fights. Why do I have the world's tiniest fuse when it comes to the division of childcare and household labor? I am baffled that things have turned out this way." loc 158. In cringe-inducing honesty, Dunn admits to being verbally abusive to her spouse. My stomach actually churned when I read the sorts of things that she'd call him during fights. That part of the memoir made me very glad that she decided she didn't want to live like that because I know that I wouldn't have wanted that either. can't believe how many hours I squandered fuming, in the hopes that Tom would intuitively leap in and help me out. With hindsight, I see that my expectations probably increased because I spend so much time around moms who offer constant and unthinking support: when Sylvie recently ran toward me on the playground, crying with a bloody knee, one friend handed me a wad of tissues, another a bandage, a third a lollipop for Sylvie, all without a break in our conversation" (p248) I now strive to keep my requests to one sentence—or even just silently involve him in what I am doing. If I’m emptying the dishwasher, I hand him some bowls. (What is he going to do—throw them on the floor?) If I’m folding laundry, I push a pile his way. If I’m making dinner, I hand him a knife and some vegetables. This tactic works a lot better than brooding, or raging that “I’m doing everything around here,” an observation that swirls around with nowhere to land.” This idea was reminiscent of another one I heard from a friend where her and her husband each get 1 evening off per week. Every Tuesday she knows not to expect her husband to help with house/ kids from 5pm onward and she can look forward to a kid-free / work-free evening on Thursday. We haven’t tried this one but if weekend schedules don’t permit that simple kind of Saturday/Sunday division, then this week night idea might work better for you. Get Dad Involved

Doing more Montessori/"Mayan style" (per NPR) expectations of children contributing to the household: OK, if you don't have a degree in counseling or a related field, the book is hereby recommended to you for the useful advice contained therein. Now I'm going to complain.We assumed that we had worked out all of – or at least the majority of – the kinks in our relationship, and that we had a nice, solid foundation with which to build a family," she says. I'm not proud to say that the main reason I haven't had her do anything more arduous is that I haven't had the patience to teach her how to do chores, nor to remind her to do them." (p171) At a mums' group, twin-mother Holly did decide to share her struggles – but she instantly regretted it. "I said that I would get so frustrated with my partner, I felt like I needed to punch a hole in the wall to get this pent-up anger out of my body," she says. "And nobody said anything. I freaked out. I was like, 'Oh my God, is there something wrong with me?' It made me spiral even more."

We’ve all heard the importance of continuing to connect and strengthen our relationships after kids so this one wasn’t a surprise. But I did love the idea of setting aside time to talk about things other than the kids. Then there is a chapter about sex (nothing you’d be afraid to have your neighbor see you reading), money, and clutter.

Finally, Dunn decides that she’s going to take matters into her own hands. She does research and writing for a living, so she turns her attention to all things marriage and family related. When your wife asks you to turn off the TV and go fold the laundry, instead of saying “I’ll do it later” try, “I’ll fold it before I go to bed tonight.” Schedule weekends Dunn and her husband each get a half day off (one on Sunday and one on Saturday) where they can sleep in, go on a long run, or meet a friend for breakfast. Even if they are home, the other parent is in charge until lunch. I can’t remember where I first saw this book, but you do NOT forget a title like How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids. Five weeks after giving birth, she was diagnosed with postpartum depression. "I just was not loving any of it. I was missing a lot of my old life, and realising what I've lost," she says.

It's led to "verbal jabs" and frustrating conversations that rarely resolve anything. "It never ends well for us,” she says.

One major trigger, says Canada-based Holly, was their division of labour. Her partner did most of the household chores: cleaning, laundry, cooking. But she needed more help with the parenting itself. “I had an emergency C-section. My body was falling apart. I was feeding two babies 24/7, not sleeping. And if one of them was crying, he would be like, 'Oh, they just want you'", rather than stepping in, she says. "I had so much rage towards him." Two years in and she thought they were headed for divorce when she decided to dive into the research, consult therapists, and spend one year learning everything she can to save their marriage. Now, we have to slow down and come together, and all [those problems] are just sitting here waiting for us," says Sherrell, who says she finds herself frequently working with couples who struggle after having children. " Your sex life isn't good? It's probably not going to get better with a kid."