a wife relinquishes control of her husband's life Well, I never controlled it in the first place, so I have nothing to relinquish If you feel overwhelmed by physical and emotional demands and are always counting the days until the weekend, you need to rearrange your schedule and make time for self-care. Until you feel grounded and relaxed, you won't have the energy you need to contribute to intimacy in your relationship.

Everyday, do three things that you enjoy doing just because they're pleasurable -- not because they are necessarily productive. They can be simple things, like walking barefoot on the grass, reading a trashy novel or taking a hot bath. Lying in the sun or talking to a girlfriend on the phone might make your list, or even watching your favorite TV show. If you're a wife who feels overwhelmed, lonely and responsible for everything, this book is perfect for you. If you can admit that you frequently or sometimes control, nag, or criticize your husband, then it is up to you and you alone to take the actions described here to restore intimacy to your marriage and dignity and peace to yourself. What was it about your husband that made him so magical when you were dating? How have his strengths been an asset in your marriage? Build a case in favor of your husband's good qualities, and use it to persuade yourself that you can trust and respect him. You may be tempted to make a case against him, but don't—nothing is more damaging to intimacy. Accentuating the positive will go a long way towards re-igniting your romance. It's hard to tell because you make it look easy, but you're doing too much and you need a break. Start to take better care of yourself and ask for help more often. Your vulnerability will be rewarded if your husband feels respected. Thank your husband for his contributions and you will be well on your way to igniting passion and achieving intimacy. Today I've learned that simply expressing my desires by saying "I want" or "I don't want" is the most effective way to negotiate with my husband. It's not always easy — sometimes I feel guilty for wanting too much, or I'm too lazy to think about what I want, so I turn the question outward and ask my husband what he wants.

she practices expressing gratitude (thanking her husband for the things he does) Yup! Cos I am polite. He thanks me for stuff I do, too Next, I stopped buying his clothes (yes, even his underwear), even though I worried that he wouldn't buy any for himself. (I was wrong.) I learned what not to do from making painful mistakes, like criticizing the way he maintained the cars, which made me feel like my mother when she was cranky and caused John to watch TV for four straight hours, avoiding me. I prayed for wisdom, and took more baby steps towards approaching the relationship without control. For another thing, they don't talk as much as we do. That makes me the only one around here who goes on and on about how I feel. Thank goodness. Those of us who have trouble trusting others when every rational indicator says that we are safe are reacting to our own fear. We may be afraid that we won't get what we need, or that we'll get it too late. We may fear that we'll spend too much money, or have to do extra work. It could be, and often is, that we fear loneliness, boredom, or discomfort. If you are like me and find yourself driven to correct, criticize, and conquer a partner, then you are reacting to your fears. Whatever the situation, if you do not react to your fear of the outcome, you don't need to try to dominate, manipulate, or control it. Often my desire to lash out at my husband is a cover for another problem. I'm tempted to blame him when I don't want to have to blame myself or the boss or my mother. Other times I'm just too depleted to have a reasonable perspective, and the tiniest things start to bug me more than usual. Now I know to look inward before I lash out. I may still be miserable once I find out what's really bothering me, but at least I won't have acted on a red herring -- and alienated my number one supporter in the meantime.

It's about following some basic principles that will help you change your habits and attitudes to restore intimacy to your marriage. It's about having a relationship that brings out the best in both of you, and growing together as spiritual beings. Surrendering is both gratifying and terrifying, but the results -- peace, joy, and feeling good about yourself and your marriage -- are proven.

If you're thinking your husband is different, think again. If he hasn't made any effort on your behalf in a long time, perhaps he has lost faith in his ability to delight you. A man with an addiction to a substance such as alcohol or drugs, or to an activity such as gambling, cannot be trusted. I can offer little hope of intimacy in this situation, as he will always serve his addiction ahead of your safety and happiness. There was no single moment when the surrendered lightbulb went off in my head. Instead, I changed little by little. I experimented, first by keeping my mouth shut -- and sometimes even my eyes -- when John drove. When we arrived in one piece, I decided that I would always trust him behind the wheel, no matter how strong my urge to control.