Trusting that you are being loved for who you are entails having faith that others will love and value your inner qualities, such as your personality, character, and what comes from your heart. In contrast, to be loved for what you do is to feel or believe that others want you around solely because of what you do or have accomplished, your social standing, and what you can do for them. Daniell Koepke is the author behind the Internal Acceptance Movement (I. A.M.). In her first poetry collection, Daniell gives voice to the fear and anxiety, as well as the perseverance and strength, that has been fundamental to her own personal growth journey and the path to deeper and more meaningful self-love and acceptance. In her own words, this book is for 20the 17-year-old Daniell who was convinced she was worthless who was convin People unable to take up space often experience heightened social anxiety because they find unstructured situations intimidating. When there is no clear objective or rules to a situation, they would not know what to say or do, and if they do not know how to please the other person, they would feel lost. Do you find it challenging to promote yourself in situations where it is appropriate, such as a job interview?

Many people who have not known how to take up space for years feel empty and lost in their identity. You may think you need to know who you are and feel secure before expressing yourself or socialising. However, if you wait until you are ready, you may never be. Some parts were emotionally challenging and slapped me in the face. Others I feel like I disagreed with, or were too trite for me. Do you feel like you are being selfish or narcissistic when discussing your difficulties or problems? Do you feel going to counselling or therapy is useless because there is no value in ‘talking about yourself?When traumatized children enter an unfamiliar space, they become extremely cautious and vigilant, watching for any sign of threat and vigilantly observing their parents’ reactions. Even if they get permission to play, they do not know what to do in a vast open space without instructions.

There was my craving to be liked – so strong and nervous that never could I open myself friendly to another. The terror of failure in an effort so important made me shrink from trying; besides, there was the standard; for intimacy seemed shameful unless the other could make the perfect reply, in the same language, after the same method, for the same reasons’ -T. E. Lawrence, Seven Pillars of WisdomSome parents do not abuse their children but are so emotionally vulnerable that they rely on their children for support rather than be in the caretaking roles. Children of these parents are said to have been ‘parentified’. One can be parentified by taking on tasks like running errands or cooking, but it is even more damaging to be emotionally parentified. (For an in-depth article on what it means to be parentification, please see here). If you were emotionally parentified, you would constantly be taking care of your parents’ psychological needs. You might be a counsellor, a mediator, or a friend to your parent. You may even fill in a gap left by one of your parents’ absence and stand in as a surrogate partner. Taking up space is a birthright and something we innately know how to do, but not everyone feels able to do it. When we take up space in the world, we occupy a physical and psychological territory. Our bodies fill the area, and our presence is felt. For some people, taking up space can be a challenge. They may think they are not worthy of the space they take up or need to minimize their presence.

Being authentic means your words reflect who you are, not who you think you should be. This requires you to let go of the worry about how others see you, which can feel uncomfortable. But when you realise that no matter how hard you try, you can never control how others perceive you, you may feel free to follow your heart and express yourself anyway. Another reason parents suppress a gifted child’s ability to shine is that they feel intimidated. If you were a gifted child – whether intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually – your parents may not have intended to hurt you, and they may not have been aware that they were constantly silencing you. But because they were uncomfortable being seen through and confronted continuously with your radical honesty, they tried subtly or explicitly to keep you from voicing your views. Moreover, if they do not have a good relationship with their emotional world, your strong emotions and intensity may also be felt as a threat to them. So, to protect themselves, they make you think that you are in the wrong for showing your feelings and speaking your truth. Because you have internalized the message that your natural self is a threat to others and that your parents would “love you less” if you continue to take up space, you have been conditioned to mute yourself. Try not to think of this as an egotistical act. Instead, think of your expression as a contribution. When you speak up, you share your thoughts and open up opportunities for others to share theirs. Afterall, even if only one person benefits from what you say, it would be worth bringing it out into the world. Even if it sounds trite, you may want to remind yourself daily, while looking in the mirror, that you are valuable and loved simply because you exist – not because of things you do or produce.To learn to take up space, you must also recognize your inherent worth as a person, regardless of what you can do or achieve. Once you have a strong foundation and recognize your intrinsic value, you can accept love from others.