Dead Inside

Product Information

As I read the harrowing true story of Cyndy Etler's time in the Straight Inc. program, I felt as I had when I read Garrard Conley's brilliant memoir Boy Erased: floored, aghast, enraged. A memoir of Cyndy Etler's time in the "rehabilitation" centre for "wayward" and "druggy" youths, The Dead Inside is an incredibly detailed, eye-opening, disturbing read that brings to light a very troubling so-called recovery program that existing only decades ago in North America (...and one that perhaps not many know about). This girl, who wanted to fit in with the world and feel like she belonged, a girl with a harsh life, and sent to a place where she has no business being, made my heart hurt. At times, I felt like it wasn't even real life but repeatedly I was reminded that it was. That this actually happened to someone and many others. My own, personal experience was that I was totally grossed out by like 80% of this book. However, Morrison's writing is engaging. I found myself skimming over some of the more detailed accounts of specific actions, just to get to the parts where the characters were having a dialog about their feelings or the story had progressed past points of discomfort and I wanted to see what was going to happen. Throughout the book, I kept screaming, "RUN! RUN!" Because Straight CLEARLY is a dangerous place to be. It somewhat reminded me of the Stanford Prison Experiment.

Jesus Christ! This book was horribly good. I loved the writing style and I laughed out loud many times. That last sentence. I’m DEAD. 🤣 Cyndy's fractured home life was far from a happy one, but things soon got worse for her when her family ship her to Straight Inc. It was quite clear that she doesn't belong in this drug rehabilitation centre and all this lost, little girl really needed was someone to love and protect her. Instead, however, she received nothing but abuse and neglect.Written in a totally relatable narrative, I was torn between not being able to put it down and having to for my own sanity. Every trigger-warning is employed here. I won't include a list of them because (spoilers) but also because I can just say that if you think of a trigger, it's present in this book. ALL OF THEM. This is a memoir chronicling Cyndy's teenage years. She wasn't a bad kid and she wasn't a perfect kid, she was just an average one. She struggled to belong in her own skin and to find her own crowd. Every bad decision she ever made was one calculated to allow her to fit in. But what Cyndy soon realised was that every one of these decisions came at a price. Was she often misguided? Yes. Did she deserve the way her life panned out? Definitely not. Cyndy didn’t have a good childhood past. Instead, it’s heart breaking and really bad past. She tries to be fit in the society where every kid is cool: she wears pants that is fit to the society, smoked pot with her “friends” and pretending to sleep while she’s being raped multiple times. She runs away and sleeping to her friends’ house just to escape to her mother and to her step-father until she got in the Straight Inc where her ruined life continuous.

This is not an ordinary boy meets girl romantic story, which makes it my kind of story. I loved the dynamic between the twisted main characters, who just happened to be a nihilistic necrophiliac and a cannibal doctor. Their interaction, the way they struggle to open up, along with their inner dialogues felt both compelling and amusing. I was utterly hypnotized by it. This book will stay with readers long after they finish it; a true testament to its power and influence in providing comfort in times of darkness.Verywell Mind articles are reviewed by board-certified physicians and mental healthcare professionals. Medical Reviewers confirm the content is thorough and accurate, reflecting the latest evidence-based research. Content is reviewed before publication and upon substantial updates. Learn more. In the early 1990s the rising popularity of the video cassette gave birth to a seedy, underground world of illicit pornography. His most celebrated book, Dead Inside, has been lauded by critics as a masterpiece of literature – but he also has other works that are equally worthy of attention. With lush language and vivid imagery, readers find themselves engrossed in stories that explore a variety of themes with an unparalleled level of hypebole. The central theme of Dead Inside is a powerful inner struggle that examines the complexity of mental health. It delves into the topics of self-realization, understanding and accepting one’s own identity, and how to cope with personal struggles.

Utterly bleak, depraved, dark, and deranged. DEAD INSIDE by Chandler Morrison is a love story (can we even call this a love story? I don’t know if these characters were even capable of a thing called love.) about two people way off in the darkened shadows at the very edge of societal norms coming together to change each other for the...worst, I think. This is not a book I can recommend. If extreme, and I mean EXTREME, sexually explicit horror is something you are interested in then give this one a shot. But don’t say that you haven’t been warned. In saying all that and with the writing being the only saving grace in my opinion I am definitely interested in reading more from Morrison, hopefully something with different subject matter. Now I am going to go take a scalding hot shower to wash away my sins for reading this book and maybe have a salad afterwards.Falling into an abyss of social norms in this mundane world might feel safe and comfortable for some, while for others, any attempt to embrace what most consider as normal would be dreadful. Not everyone wants to fit in, or can. While being different might bring a sense of isolation, there is also liberation in knowing who you are and walking a different path from the horde without the need to change or seek social validation, and if you happen to meet a like-minded weirdo to walk beside you, it can add to the experience.

I also wrote a review for this book in 2012 when it was self published as "Straightling." I want to include it in this review (I hope thats ok). Here is what I wrote then:If anything on this list triggers you or would make you feel uncomfortable at all, whatever you do, please do not read this book. Needless to say, this is one hell of a dark book. It’s bizarre, twisted, one of those splatterpunk kinds of books that is just beyond weird and well, disturbing. “Dead Inside” is a very graphic read but, I’m a metalhead, grew up in the 80s/90s watching tons of horror movies and TV shows I probably shouldn’t have been watching at such a young age, and at least for me, this didn’t really bother me as I look at it as just words on paper. Why did I continue reading this book you may be asking yourself? Good question. It was like watching a car crash victim being scraped up off of the pavement, you don’t want to watch but you just can’t bring yourself to avert your gaze. But to answer your question, it was the writing that kept me going. Needing (did I really need too?) to know what was going to happen next. What other articioty can the author throw our way? The writing, even though the subject matter itself was deplorable, was impeccable. The prose was streamlined, clean, witty, and made me continue on until the end. If the writing hadn’t been as good as it was I would have DNF’ed this book. If that isn’t a testament to Morrison’s skill with the pen then I don’t know what is. Be sure to read it with an open mind- willing to accept that there are NO exaggerations in this book. Then, when you're finished, read the epilogue and try to not have your stomach turn in knots for the thousands who, like Etler and myself, were actually there and are still here.