As the intensity of your mutual care and passion increases, you discover that you are caught in a trap of your own making. You lose all sense of judgment as you literally become addicted to each other in a relationship built on fantasy, not reality. But as I mentioned earlier, the relationship is not logical; it’s emotional. It’s a fantasy. As you and your lover plan where and when to meet for passionate sessions of lovemaking, you leave the realities of everyday living behind. It Could Happen to You As I’ve discussed affairs and how they start, I may have offended you, at least a little bit, by using the second-person pronoun. But I used you for a specific reason. While most people would deny they could ever get involved in an affair, the hard truth is that, under certain conditions, any of us can fall victim. It isn’t particularly immoral people who fall into an affair. On the contrary, very normal men and women may get involved through a deceptively simple process. First, you let someone outside of marriage meet one of your most important emotional needs, say, intimate conversation. You may feel that there’s no problem just talking to someone, especially if your own spouse doesn’t seem interested in the problems you face. Next, you find this friend to be particularly concerned for your welfare, and you begin to feel the same way toward your friend. The conversation turns to affection—the expression of care for each other. From there, you begin to explain to each other what you need most in life, and you both express a desire to meet those needs for each other. The lovemaking that results seems so effortless and so natural that you believe you were made for each other. You think you’ve found your soul mate. In some cases the process may take only a few weeks; in other cases it will take many years. But it happens with astonishing regularity. I have seen it happening in the lives of thousands of couples throughout my career. Sadly enough, it seems to make little difference what a person professes by way of religious commitment or moral values. Often, in my early years as a counselor, I felt dismayed to see people with strong religious and moral commitments becoming involved in extramarital affairs. I am a church member myself, with strong convictions about the Christian faith. How could people who claim to have the same commitments go Other than 15 hours for undivided attention to the wife, you have to budget additional 15 hours per week to a quality family time.*(Consider your total time each week. You have 168 hours (24 hours a day, 7 days a week). For 8 hours of sleep each night (don’t risk your health), take 56 hours away, leaving 112 hours. If you estimate the time it takes to get ready for work in the morning and ready for bed at night to take another 12 hours, that leaves 100 hours. Your job, including getting there and returning home again, should not take more than 50 hours a week (if you work more than that, you cannot achieve your most important objectives in life). You have to start family time from the start, not in the teen years; otherwise they may not agree at all to such an arrangement. Contents Preface Introduction 1. How Affair-Proof Is Your Marriage? 2. Why Your Love Bank Never Closes 3. The First Thing She Can’t Do Without—Affection 4. The First Thing He Can’t Do Without—Sexual Fulfillment 5. The Second Thing She Can’t Do Without—Intimate Conversation 6. The Second Thing He Can’t Do Without—Recreational Companionship 7. She Needs to Trust Him Totally—Honesty and Openness 8. He Needs a Good-Looking Wife—Physical Attractiveness 9. She Needs Enough Money to Live Comfortably—Financial Support 10. He Needs Peace and Quiet—Domestic Support 11. She Needs Him to Be a Good Father—Family Commitment 12. He Needs Her to Be Proud of Him—Admiration 13. How to Survive an Affair 14. From Incompatible to Irresistible Appendix A The Most Important Emotional Needs Appendix B Emotional Needs Questionnaire Emotional honesty: Reveal your thoughts, feelings, likes and dislikes. In other words, reveal your emotional reaction — both positive and negative — to the events of your life, particularly to your spouse’s behavior.

His Needs Her Needs Assessment - Northern Hills Church of Christ His Needs Her Needs Assessment - Northern Hills Church of Christ

What To Do When Your Spouse Says: I Dont Love You Anymore! Keep Your Spouse From Bolting & Buy Time To Improve Your Marriage.

What Next? Often at this point, people like John and Mary end up in my office. He wants to end the affair because of the growing pressure at home. She wants him to get rid of the other woman because it drives her crazy. And the other woman may have grown tired of being noble and patient. She pressures the husband to divorce his wife and marry her. The erring spouse—in this case the husband—can’t bring himself to give up either woman. He is like a donkey between two bales of hay, but instead of starving to death because he cannot decide which bale to choose, he tries to nibble on both! Sometimes I am able to help and sometimes I am not. It all depends on whether the errant spouse and the lover can be separated permanently and the couple can learn to meet each other’s basic emotional needs. Whatever Happened to Commitment? Maybe you’re still asking yourself, Should I be concerned that my spouse will have an affair if I don’t meet her needs? Should my spouse fear that I might have an affair if my needs are not being met? In reference to the needs described in this book, the answer is yes. I realize this is not good news. “Whatever happened to commitment?” you may ask. “And what about trust? How can a marriage function if partners can’t trust each other?” I am all for commitment and I agree that trust is a vital bonding link in any marriage. But my experience with thousands of people has taught me an undeniable truth: if any of a spouse’s five basic emotional needs goes unmet, that spouse becomes vulnerable to the temptation of an affair. By examining each of these areas of need separately, spouses can learn how to take care of each other in ways that will make their marriage resistant to affairs. More important, their marriage can become far more exciting and fulfilling—with more trust—than ever before. In the first chapter I named ten emotional needs of men and women. While all ten are shared by both sexes, five tend to be rated by women as most important, and the other five are rated by men as most important. This disparity between men and women in regard to the priority of these ten needs makes it difficult for Dr. Harley, Jr. puts it well: “ The need for domestic support is a time bomb.” There was a time when it was expected that the man would earn the money to support the household, and the woman would raise the children and keep the house clean. Today with many women working a full or part-time job, having to raise the children and keep the house clean is an undue burden. Yet, there are still many men who want to put in their time at work and come home to relax, having dinner waiting for them.

His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage

Assign the remaining tasks. Both partners agree to who will do what and when they are to be completed.I found these leaned too heavily on gender stereotypes. I felt offended. Only men have higher sex drives? I’m a woman with an incredible high sex drive and NEED sex; kinky sex at that.