Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

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It's interesting too, to think about how asking for help requires being a little bit vulnerable and also requires admitting that you're not perfect, and at least in North American culture, right, there's a lot of stigma around both of those things. It's, it's hard to, to be vulnerable. It's hard to admit that you can't do it all yourself, and that you can't live up to the idealized version of someone who never needs anything from anyone else. That's, those are challenges. Drama to me is high-intensity arguments, long-term silent treatments, lots of conflict, often, frequent chaos in the relationships, gossiping, just all of these things that might appear on, like, a nineties TV talk show, right? Like, “…and this person did this.” Like, that's what I think of as drama. And I think when you have drama in families, it's not handled in a caring and loving way when there's conflict. It’s handled in a poorly executed way. It's handled in a high-intensity sort of way. So, just pulling people away from, you know, some of the things that we normally do, because sometimes we think that drama is normal. We think chaos is comfort, and it's like there is another way to communicate this to people. Many people go to therapy to work through the issues in their heads, overlooking that their biggest challenges often lie in their family relationships. In this book, therapist Nedra Tawwab offers practical wisdom to help you handle problems with parents, siblings, children, and, yes, even in-laws. In a time when mental health is finally getting the attention it deserves, this is a vital guide to building healthier families.” The final step in the process of setting boundaries is reinforcing your boundaries through action. Specifically, Tawwab recommends that you restate your boundaries so that others know you’re serious, and set consequences for boundary violations.

Yeah. Well, not every story has a happy ending. And that is really tough, right? Like, we do, like, this prescriptive, “if you do this, then blank.” You know, sometimes I get that with people who are grieving and they come to therapy and they're like, “I just want to feel better by next week.” Shortform note: When correcting unwanted behaviors, some authors suggest that taking a positive approach to the conversation will make it easier for the other person to accept your boundaries. Avoid scolding the other person; instead, express your confidence in them, and encourage them to do better next time.) And when that is the case, you are not making an easy decision. And as you make that decision, you know, I do think that the grief is part of the process and it's not anything you can rush. There will be, you know, moments in the year, anniversary dates where you may think about the person. There may be, you know, certain songs or different things that happen at family gatherings that cause you to think about the person.Disappearing, ignoring, or cutting people off is avoidance. Not responding to a request, delaying setting the record straight, or failing to show up are ways that we avoid situations instead of dealing with them proactively. But prolonging issues by avoiding them means the same issues will reappear over and over again, following us from relationship to relationship. In particular, this can be helpful when setting boundaries around holiday travel. If you decide not to attend a family gathering, let everyone know as soon as you can. By communicating this information early on, you give your family time and space to come to terms with things. On the other hand, the longer you wait to express your boundaries, the more time your family will have to get excited to see you, which will deepen their disappointment if you cancel at the last minute. If you go to your sister and you say, “Hey, I'm telling you this. Please don't tell mom,” and your sister continuously does that, do you want to keep telling your sister? Do you want to tell her and be mad? Do you want to stop telling your sister? In the long run, passive communication isn’t an effective strategy for building fulfilling relationships. Without knowing how you feel and what you need, the people in your life won’t have the information they need to be good to you, and you deny them the chance to get to know you more intimately. In a boundary-setting context, natural consequences hold similar advantages. They help the other person directly learn from their mistake, without you having to engage in punishment. Consider the previous example, in which your boss asks you for extra help on the weekends. By refusing to go in on weekends, you set a natural consequence. Instead of attempting to discipline your boss, you simply allow him to experience the results of his own scheduling and staffing errors. How Not to Set Boundaries—Communication Patterns to Avoid

On my couch, Kim went down the list of things she had agreed to do for other people in the coming week. She insisted that her friend needed her help to move. Her coworker would not be able to manage his project without her assistance. Kim was eager for solutions. She was trying to create more time to do all the things she'd signed up for. Set Boundaries, Find Peaceis a down-to-earth and practical guide on fully realizing your potential and giving yourself the freedom you deserve by clearly setting healthy boundaries in your personal and professional life, friendships, and relationships. Eye-opening and thoroughly engaging.” The ability to say no to yourself is a gift. If you can resist your urges, change your habits, and say yes to only what you deem truly meaningful, you’ll be practicing healthy self-boundaries. It’s your responsibility to care for yourself without excuses.” Shortform note: In addition to exercising discipline, you should also treat yourself compassionately as you learn to set boundaries with yourself. Like anyone else, you’ll struggle and make mistakes as you adjust to new boundaries. It will naturally take some time for you to break from habits, and accepting this can help keep you from becoming discouraged and unmotivated.) Step 3: Take Action to Reinforce Your BoundariesSo before the pandemic, people were, “So like every weekend I have a party, I have a this, I have a that, I have a this.” And I'm like, “You can say no to these things.” And people found so much pleasure in the, in the pandemic, unfortunately, just by being able to not have to go to all of these social obligations or even family gatherings.

Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others.And then you talk to the person and they're like, “Hey, how are you?” You're like, “What? There's no crisis. You just came over here unannounced for no reason?” It's like, yeah, they did. You know why? Because they don't really wanna adhere to your boundary. They're showing you through their actions that they have a whole ‘nother boundary, and it's not, it's not the one that you intended. I'm like, “Why are you doing that?” So like, “You're not a roofer. Why were you even doing it?” There are times when we don't have the skillset. We don't have the time, we don't have the mental capacity, and in those moments, we need to seek a friend, a professional, a neighbor, or someone else to help. We have to get away from the spirit of DIYing our entire existence. You are not a self-made person. You are a community-based person, and you need help from other people. The hardest thing about implementing boundaries is accepting that some people won’t like, understand, or agree with yours. Once you grow beyond pleasing others, setting your standards becomes easier. Not being liked by everyone is a small consequence when you consider the overall reward of healthier relationships.” Nothing other people do is because of you. It’s because of themselves. All people live in their own dream and their own mind. Even when words seem personal, such as a direct insult, they really have nothing to do with you. Shortform note: If you experience guilt after setting boundaries with friends, it’s important to remember that you’ve not only done what’s best for the relationship, you’ve also done what’s best for you. By setting boundaries, you avoid pouring out too much energy supporting friends. And, when you have more energy, you’ll be able to function better, both for yourself and in your relationships.) Setting Boundaries at Work

I would say pay attention to the things you complain most about. That person who stops by your desk for that super long chat. The, the person who doesn't seem to be listening as you're talking because they're distracted by their phone. So step one is to react a little faster because sometimes with boundaries, we'll let things go on for years. Creating healthy boundaries leads to feeling safe, loved, calm, and respected. They are an indication of how you allow people to show up for you and how you show up for others. But it doesn't stop there.Other summaries give you just a highlight of some of the ideas in a book. We find these too vague to be satisfying. Boundaries to Consider I say no to things I don’t like. I say no to things that don’t contribute to my growth. I say no to things that rob me of valuable time. I spend time around healthy people. I reduce my interactions with people who drain my energy. I protect my energy against people who threaten my sanity. I practice positive self-talk. I allow myself to feel and not judge my feelings. I forgive myself when I make a mistake. I actively cultivate the best version of myself. I turn off my phone when appropriate. I sleep when I’m tired. I mind my business. I make tough decisions because they’re healthy for me. I create space for activities that bring me joy. I say yes to activities that interest me despite my anxiety about trying them. I experience things alone instead of waiting for the “right” people to join me.” As opposed to the healthy, effective methods for communicating and reinforcing boundaries we’ve covered, many people use passive aggression, aggression, and manipulation to communicate their needs. Whether or not they realize it, everyone exhibits these behaviors at times—even you. This isn’t because we’re bad, selfish people, but rather because boundary-setting is difficult, especially if you’ve never been taught to do it. Unfortunately, these common tendencies don’t help us maintain healthy relationships. Because of this, Tawwab recommends that you look out for these patterns and avoid them. You literally have, like, six questions that you should ask yourself before cutting off a toxic family member. Let's say someone's listening and they've kind of thought about it and they're like, “This person who's in my life is really challenging, and they're, and they don't seem to want to hear me when I draw boundaries, and they don't seem to be a person that I can be around in a healthy way.” How can the person then cut them off in a safe and healthy way for themselves, but then how can they also process the grief of losing someone? Because I think that can also be one of the real challenges of this. But you talk about a lot of stuff in both of your books that are really serious issues. Right? Like, you talk about adverse childhood experiences; you talk about emotional, physical, sexual abuse. You talk about addiction, and a big message in your books is that a lot of this stuff is not necessarily fixable by you. You say, like, sometimes it might not work.