Few have written with such common sense and clarity about how to come out of the trap of ambivalence in marriage. I’ve recommended the book to colleagues and clients.”—Cloé Madanes, co-founder, The Family Therapy Institute We’re very polite with each other.” This is what happens to people in a relationship when they’re furious and exhausted from pointless fighting, broken agreements, and unmet needs. There’s no fighting, there’s just despair. Diagnostic question #3. Have you already made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that definitely excludes your partner? This book was amazing in helping me decide what to do about the ambivalent relationship I have been in for over 5 years!!!! The balance-scale approach—piling up all the evidence for staying and against leavin g—doesn’t work for anybody.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guid… Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guid…

A relationship where you feel demeaned, where there is no trust, or where there is a constant threat of physical violence should be left, regardless of the good things it has going for it. It's easy to convince yourself that the good offsets the bad, but some things are simply too bad to put up with, and significantly predict unhappiness. Kirshenbaum ask, when it counts for you, do you really like your partner the way you like a friend or someone else you feel comfortable and happy being with?If you stop caring whether your partner finds out or not, then an affair is a sign of your having taken practical steps to set in motion some course of action or lifestyle that definitely excludes your partner. No fairy dust here, but a real chance for healing what Kirshenbaum calls ‘the pain and waste of relationship ambivalence.’”— Minneapolis Star Tribune It’s such an ordeal talking about the littlest thing.” This is when negotiating solutions together is virtually impossible. Diagnostic question #7. Does your partner bombard you with difficulties when you try to get even the littlest thing you want; and is it your experience that almost any need you have gets obliterated; and if you ever do get what you want, is getting it such an ordeal that you don’t feel it was worth all the effort?

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step by Step Guide to Help You Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step by Step Guide to Help

Diagnostic question #28. Whatever was done that caused hurt and betrayal, do you have the sense that the pain and damage have lessened with time? Relationships never 'just' exist. Both partners nees to put in sufficient time, attention and effort to make it work, or to keep on making it work. This book can help with that, as it offers practical questions with regards to the status of the relationship. In that regard each relationship can benefit from the book, 'good' or 'bad'. I can do whatever I want, right?” Your partner’s making unilateral moves: doing what he wants when he wants it by himself without talking to you about it.

Is having custody more likely, and have you thought through what it’s like to parent kids on your own? These then are the four mechanisms that make people feel it’s just too hard to get their needs met: Disclosure: I doubted whether to add this book to my Goodreads collection, as the subject could be considered highly personal. However, reading books about relationships, or processes, doesn't necessarily mean that something is.. good... or.. bad... or... even happening. Reading books about zombies: does that make me want to eat human flesh? If your answer to question #3 is yes, you’ll know it by now. It’s not that you’ve just ‘done something,’ it’s that you’ve done something to burn your bridges behind you or to pour the foundation for a bridge to a new future that excludes your partner. You don’t have to decide to leave. You’ve already decided.”

TOO GOOD TO LEAVE, TOO BAD TO STAY: How To Make The Perfect Decision TOO GOOD TO LEAVE, TOO BAD TO STAY: How To Make The Perfect

There are studies to show that some of the people we like best in our lives are the people we started out not liking so much.” If you’re trying to decide if you’ll be happiest if you stay or leave, you can’t look only at what’s going on in your relationship. You have to look at what your options are outside of it and at how clearly and realistically you’ve been thinking about them.Your answer here is only meaningful if a clear, definite yes came through without hesitation or confusion. If you have to stop to analyze your feelings to see if your answer is yes, it’s not yes.” 5. Issue: Preconditions for Love Guideline #5 has a special importance for people who are in what clinicians refer to as dead or devitalized or roommate marriages, where the really bad thing that bothers them is that there doesn’t seem to be anything really good. Guideline #5 is a test for whether this is really the case. Some relationships are more cool and distant than others. But if there’s a positively pleasurable connection and you answered yes to question #5, then your relationship may not be as lifeless as you think.” This book was sitting in my queue for over 5 years, and I FINALLY got to read it. All I can say is that if I had read the book when I first discovered it and went through all the diagnostic questions laid out in the book, then I would have identified myself as being in the ‘relationship ambivalence” state a long time ago and did something about it a lot sooner. Diagnostic question #5. In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you do together that you both like and that gives both of you a feeling of closeness for a while?