The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People-Pleasing, Reclaim Your Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want: A Simple Plan to Stop People ... Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want

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These are clues from your body, mind, and life that you do what for all intents and purposes might be “good things” but for the wrong reasons—and that’s what makes it people pleasing. This, incidentally, is far better than people pleasing in an attempt to “work on yourself” to become “baggage-free” and finally worthy enough of being, doing, and having more of what you need, desire, and deserve.

The Joy of Saying No by Natalie Lue | Stop people pleasing

This resulted in a fear of not just the potential or actual negative consequences of not complying but the fear of authorities themselves. I’d recently turned twenty-eight, and as my consultant’s voice slipped into a monotone, it hit me: I’d been sick for at least two years, and while I’d understood that my illness was serious, I’d done whatever doctors told me, and my focus had been being at everyone else’s service even when I didn’t want to be. This meant that our struggles often became a question of what we’d failed to be and do—What were you wearing? So when you’ve treated no like a dirty word and focused on yes, you’ve indirectly said no to being more you and stuck with the people-pleasing cycle.It was great to collaborate towards a joint end and to feel genuinely that I was adding value to lots of projects.

The joy and relief of saying no: how I learned to stop

It’s why so many companies claimed that flexible working or working from home wasn’t possible, only for the pandemic and its lockdowns to come along and blow those lies right out of the water within hours. Despite this, we’re experiencing unprecedented levels of loneliness, depression, self-harm, teen suicide rates, mental health crises, and burnout. I fear that I’m not good enough, and I blame it for other people’s feelings and behavior or life not going my way. But, he says, while he has added his voice to a “chorus of disapproval” of this culture, he has, at the same time, “a certain suspicion” of what is being created in its place.Yes, sometimes we do it because we’re delaying and putting something off, but we unconsciously do it as a way of distancing ourselves from all of our yeses. I cut ties with exes and opted out of shady and unworkable dating situations at much earlier points without second-guessing myself, opening me up to meeting my now husband and being able to grow in the relationship because I endeavored to be myself. When we, as children, experienced bullying, low confidence, depression, academic challenges, racism and prejudice, exploitation, abuse, or neglect, or didn’t present in a neurotypical or gender-conforming fashion, there was a lack of support, and the solution to everything was to find a way to be “good. While we all learned shameful messages in childhood that silenced our true selves, gendered messaging around goodness meant very different lessons around assertiveness. In fact, if you trace the etymology of the word good, you see how it was initially associated with religion and gradually evolved to include success, prosperity, and then work ethic and being “well-behaved.

The Joy of Saying No - Natalie Lue - Retirement Wisdom The Joy of Saying No - Natalie Lue - Retirement Wisdom

That’s why you either implode by snapping inside yourself and experiencing illness, a breakdown, or burnout, or explode and unleash everything you’ve been repressing, something we address in the final chapter of the book. If you’re afraid to say no, you also have a problem with other people’s nos, and it’s time to consider what it is that you do, and what you avoid, to lessen their no. We are all at the centre of our own lives, so it is understandable that we think we are at the centre of everyone else’s; in reality, we are nowhere near as vital as we think. I find it when I am not looking for it: when I am making my friend’s children laugh, or when I feel a spontaneous surge of love for my husband, or when I am cooking dinner for my friends. People pleasing holds you back from being more of who you are and enjoying truly intimate and fulfilling relationships because it doesn’t allow you to learn your authentic yes, no, and maybe.

So I came up with a story and habit that informed how I respond in similar situations or around similar people, as well as who I believe I have to be. I was making so many promises that I couldn’t remember who I was letting down from one day to the next. All I’d set out to do was help at least *one* person avoid what I’d been through or to navigate their way out of an unhealthy situation. It took burning out after running a marathon, losing my father, turning forty, and experiencing perimenopause to go from being frustrated with my “failing” body to using tinnitus as a body signal to help me recognize where I need to listen to myself and say no. If the person responsible for our care, for nurturing and supporting us, also violated our boundaries, we learned to go toward danger instead of away from it, hence why we might find ourselves drawn to abusive people.

The Joy of Saying No | Natalie Lue | download on Z-Library The Joy of Saying No | Natalie Lue | download on Z-Library

And so we experience disconnection that manifests as emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual illness. Everything you do is about trying to meet needs: the things you need to be, do, and have not merely to survive but thrive.It takes a toll when what you project and portray on the outside is at odds with how you truly feel on the inside. But joy is not the only idea linking these three approaches: Chapman, Brinkmann and Kondo all tap into the same zeitgeisty wish to clean up our cluttered lives. Every time the phone rang or my inbox pinged, it was another person asking for help or chasing up the help they had already solicited. You can read this before The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want PDF EPUB full Download at the bottom.