Sometimes I remember reading this book and I get angry all over again. The author expects parents to be able to react perfectly in every situation and seems to believe that children are basically angels who misbehave only when they can't otherwise express themselves. While that may be true to an extent, our job as parents is not to cushion their every fall because they don't yet understand the world or their emotions, but to teach them how the world works. We can absolutely do it with compassion, but limits and structure are the best ways to go about it, not letting the child be king and then "fixing" things when they go wrong. Most importantly, you will be a better person because it takes someone extremely patient and open to learning to truly show unconditional love, especially to kids. Other Parents Will Judge You But really I love baby slings! And nursing! Why do I want to run screaming when I meet up with some ardent proponents of things I more or less agree with?? He seems to think that all parents are power-hungry tyrants who will sacrifice a relationship at the cost of being right or in control. The first half of the book, he goes on and on about all the things we're doing "wrong," but offers no kind of solutions.

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments

I listen to them when they give reasons of why they didn't hand in their homework, but I make it clear that I expect their behavior to change anyway. I don't listen to their excuses when the “missing homework” behavior continues. I don't listen to explanations when they are really just justifications (see Dan Ariely's work about the false attributions people consistently give for their own motivations/behaviors in my behavioral economics reading list.). Results matter. Intent doesn't always matter. This is life. To shield children from this basic cognitive/behavioral reality is to warp their perspective and set them up for real-world disappointments. The front cover of this book describes it as "A Provocative Challenge to the Conventional Wisdom about Discipline." Uh, YEAH. Parents love their children unconditionally ― it is an instinct even in animals. However, loving your kids unconditionally doesn’t automatically translate to unconditional parenting. For example, always ask your child what color of toy they prefer before buying one for them. By including them in the decision-making, you help boost their sense of confidence to make better future decisions.

Thankfully, there are positive ways to handle judgments without being reactive. I recommend reading this article to learn what to do when other parents judge your parenting. Bottom Line

Unconditional Parenting | Book by Alfie Kohn | Official

Discussion rather than punishment. Telling a child to go to their room after they hit someone isn’t going to magically make them realise that they hurt another person especially if they’re very young when this event occurs. By discussing what happened you can help children to learn that their actions do have consequences but that those consequences are not going to their room or getting grounded, they are that other people will be affected, they may get hurt and upset etc. No one is perfect. Please don’t pretend to be because of your children. Your job as a parent is to help your children to learn, discover and explore the world. Show them that people do make mistakes, they are sad sometimes, nobody knows everything and everyone needs help some of the time. If a child sees everyone else as perfect but knows that they are not, what will the repercussions be to their self-confidence, self-love, self-worth and the way they view the world. Think resentment, regret, hatred etc. It’s not good basically. This book underscores an important parenting principle: Discipline is more about having the right relationship with your child than having the right techniques.” While I accept some of Kohn's premises (respect children's ability to make decisions, expect age-appropriate, ability-appropriate behavior), I disagree with his disregard of parents' emotions and feelings. Kohn expects the parent to be ever self-sacrificing, ever-searching for pure motivations behind their children's behavior.Change how you see not just how you act. I think this was the whole point of the book and why the author listed all the things typical parents do, and why that is not the best parenting strategy. It’s really good. And I mean really, really good. I will definitely be re-reading it in physical form (I listened to the audiobook) at some point so I can copy out the parts I particularly love and if I ever do become a parent this book will definitely be out again then! Here are some highlights:- I agree with the author that rewarding a child for doing a task takes away the intrinsic enjoyment that the child may have gotten from it. I also agree that traditional punishments are seldom affective, which is why they have to be repeated so often. But I disagree with his assertion that allowing a child to feel the natural consequences of his misbehavior is the same thing as punishing the child. I am a HUGE fan of natural consequences, and I try to look for them whenever I can.

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn | Waterstones

At first I was annoyed that my husband was bugging me read this book since he was the one who bought it AND hadn't read it. Seemed like a hokey-feel-good-but-too-permissive philosophy. Unconditional parenting je o bezuslovnom roditeljstvu (da Šerloče) i analizira uticaj istog na dalji dečiji razvoj i motivaciju za učenje (naslov jeste krindž ali Alfie piše organizovano i razgovetno). Kada dete pravi gluposti, besni (ili još prostije - ne ponaša se onako kako biste vi želeli da se ponaša), da li ga kažnjavati? Nastaviti sa programom i danom kao da ništa nije bilo? Kakav dugoročni uticaj imaju pohvale i nagrade za "očekivano" ponašanje"? Kako se nositi sa mišlju da si neadekvatan roditelj? Kako ga bez previše pritiska naterati da KONAČNO obuje cipele ili opere zube?Indeed, the concept of unconditional parenting raises many questions because the approach defies most of the long-held parenting ideologies. To answer these and more questions, let’s look at the principles of unconditional parenting. 8 Key Principles of Unconditional Parenting Showing unconditional support means you need to spend less time instructing, leading, commanding, correcting, and talking and more time asking clarifying questions to help you understand how best to help your child. You also avoid making basic assumptions.