maintain relational homeostasis. His enabling behaviors toward Michael were extremely self-serving, because his sole desire was to replace self-love through a relationship with another person. He controlled Michael by using his partner’s addiction to alcohol to get what he needed to feel whole—affection. When booze didn’t work, he escalated his manipulative behaviors to include cocaine and other party drugs—whatever he could use to control Michael. And to be sure, the suggestion that Mark also attend AA was right on target, as he, too, is chemically dependent. For some of us who confuse love with obsession, alcohol and other drugs can indeed be used as a tool of control. They are perhaps the most dangerous tool because they can damage the mind, body, and soul. If we truly wish to be free from relational dependency, we must take into account this particular method of control and seek treatment for any chemical addictions that may also be present. The character that I personally identified with is Nancy. I can relate to her situation because it easily relates to that of my sister, and her character might as well be my sister herself – their actions and analysis of situations is very similar. When my sister met her current husband, she was intensely in love with him and soon, within one month, began to forgo her interests for the sake of their ‘relationship’. According to table 8.7, there are six styles of loving. Examining the meaning of each type, it is evident that the predominant form of love in the characters in the book Confusing Love With Obsession is mania type of loving. Mania type of love is defined as possessive, demanding and excitable (Miller, 2014). There are various traits that characterize people that would confuse love with obsession thus fitting the characters to Mania type of love. The first trait that is observed in those that confuse love with obsession is the fact that they might have been emotionally abandoned, verbally or physically abused or a combination of the three factors. Take an example of Nancy in the first chapter. According to this chapter, Nancy was raised by alcoholic parents who worked during the day and drunk heavily during the night. Nancy’s parent would argue quite often and the arguments would in most cases results into fights. At times, the father would disappear on them for some days which led to Nancy feeling abandoned, lonely and confused (Moore, 2006). The history increases the need for Nancy to feel loved thus explaining why she is so obsessive. As such, I agree that Nancy, like many other characters in the book, is scared of being alone since she is trying to fight the reoccurrence of her childhood memories. It is undemonstrative. The Mania love style is obsessive love. It is characterized by sporadic experiences of great emotional highs and lows. It is very possessive and often involves jealous lovers. The Agape love style is a self-sacrificing, all-encompassing love. The lovers view their partners as godsends and wish to cherish and take care of them.

PRIMARY TOOL OF CONTROL: Alcohol and other drugs Age: thirty-four. In a two-year relationship. Both parents were alcoholics. sectetur adipiscing elit. Nam lacinia pulvinar tortor nec facilisis. Pellentesque dapibus efficitur laoreet. Nam risus ante, dapibus a molestie consequat, ultrices ac magna. Fusce dui lectus, congue vel laoreet ac, dictum vitae odio. Donec aliquet. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Nam lacinia pulvinar tortor nec facilisis. Pellentesque dapibus efficitur laoreet. Nam risus ante, dapibus a molestie consequat, ultrices ac magna. Fusce dui lectus, congue vel laoreet Unfounded thoughts of infidelity and emotional betrayal based on anecdotal evidence, such as a partner coming home late from work. An overwhelming fear of abandonment. Baseless thoughts of a partner suddenly walking out on the relationship begin to creep into daily activities. Strong feelings of mistrust begin to emerge, which cause us to become depressed. High levels of anxiety, characterized by a short temper and angry outbursts. Generalized depression, coupled with lethargy. Very careful behavior around an unhealthy partner as an attempt to avoid abuse, because we cannot walk away. The continuation and escalation of obsessive, controlling thoughts and behaviors.Usually, if you’re dating someone, you either have the feeling or you don’t. If it doesn’t work out, it tends to be because there’s no spark, the chemistry is off, or you just don’t have enough in common. When it is working, you’ll have butterflies and want to see the person again and again. The relational dependent person sinks into depression given that the relationship fails. The person blames her/himself for the collapse of the relationship, and may seek revenge on the partner by physically harming him/her. Due to low-self esteem arising from abandonment, the relational dependent person engages in self-destructive behaviors such as substance abuse, inebriation, and binge eating. In this final phase, the relational dependent person is considered to be at risk of suicide. Destruction is the last stage of the Obsessive Love Wheel. It occurs after the end of a relationship, and it is connected to an afflicted person feeling devastated and lost. Relationally dependent persons may deny the end of the relationship or feel vengeful towards their partner or somebody who is involved in the breakup. Moreover, afflicted individuals often blame themselves for other reasons, rather than for being manipulative and controlling. The four stages described above progress through the course of a relationship at various speeds, depending on an individual. Gained Knowledge

On the other hand, someone who is obsessed with you will be jealous and possessive. They won't like the idea of you growing as a person, or having any independence, lest you meet someone else and leave them. The fist phase is the attraction phase. Here, the person develops an immediate liking for the potential lover/partner, and has an instant desire to develop a relationship with the love interest without properly knowing this person. In this phase, the person focuses on the potential lover’s physical appearance at the expense of other characteristics and qualities (Moore, 2006, p.14). The person also begins to visualize a future with his or her love interest in total disregard for the need of properly anchoring the relationship on friendship first. The second phase is known as the anxious phase. After both partners agree to a relationship, the relational dependent partner begins to exhibit certain characteristics born of anxiety. the day before yesterday, and so on and so on. We must look inward for clues to the person we are and validate the harms that were inflicted on us in the past. Remember, however, that our past does not define us. With each new day, we have the opportunity to create change, and with that change, self-renewal. In the following chapter, we will examine the specific attachment styles of the person who confuses love with obsession and the experiences and perceptions of the person being controlled. Love is great. You’ve finally found someone who finds all your little quirks endearing, and who you can share your spit with.Manic style is the predominant love style for most of the characters presented in Confusing Love with Obsession. sectetur adipiscing elit. Nam lacinia pulvinar tortor nec facilisis. Pellentesque dapibus efficitur laoreet. Nam risus ante, dapibus a molestie consequat, ultrices ac magna. Fusce dui lectus, congue vel laoreet ac, dictum vitae odio. Donec aliquet. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Nam lacinia pulvinar tortor nec facilisis. Pellentesque dapibus efficitur laoreet. Nam risus ante, dapibus a molestie consequat, ultrices ac magna. Fusce dui lectus, congue vel laoreet ac, dictum vitae odio. Donec aliquet. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscin sectetur adipiscing elit. Nam lacinia pulvinar tortor nec facilisis. Pellentesque dapibus efficitur laoreet. Nam risus ante, dapibus a molestie consequat, ultrices ac magna. Fusce dui lectus, congue vel laoreet ac, dictum vitae odio. Donec aliquet. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Nam lacinia pulvinar tortor nec facilisis. Pellentesque dapibus efficitur laoreet. Nam risus ante, dapibus a molestie consequat, ultrices ac magna. Fusce dui lectus, congue vel laoreet ac, dictum vitae odio. Donec aliquet. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Nam lacinia pulvinar tortor nec faci Calling our partner names and obscenities in an attempt to bully him into making a confession of a suspected act of infidelity. Hitting our partner for an act or suspected act of infidelity, hoping to teach her that there are repercussions for “cheating.” Some of us may have told our mate, “If I can’t have you, nobody can,” meaning that we beat our partner so she will look unattractive. This is a dangerous and sometimes fatal form of control. Gretchen’s actions toward her husband and children can be blamed on her coalcoholic addiction. During Gretchen’s childhood, her mother was emotionally, and many times physically, unavailable to her because of the struggle with alcoholism. As a result of her mother’s addiction, Gretchen became a coalcoholic, with two classic characteristics of this family disease: a strong fear of abandonment and an overwhelming need to control others. And what of Gretchen’s father? He, too, can be considered a coalcoholic who denied that his wife had an addiction. Instead of being there for Gretchen, he avoided the situation by spending a lot of time away from home, which translated into

On the other hand, from an outward perceptive, one will need to learn and understand the behavior of the people they are interested. From table 8.7, there is a loving type that is primarily based on the other person looks. As such, although looks may be so appealing, one needs to understand the other person behavior and scan for traces of obsessive traits as detailed in Moore’s book. I concur with this understanding since it creates a desirable situation where one will need to take time before entering into a commitment with another since one will only have a fair understanding of another after they have spent sufficient time together. The approach, therefore, seems to be leaning to stodge form of loving. The form of loving is based on friendship that gradually grows into a commitment. Although this route is quite slow, it is a relatively safe approach to a relationship compared to Eros, Mania, and Ludus. Also, since understanding another person behavior will involve logical decisions, it means that the approach to thoroughly understand another person will also lean towards pragma form of love (Miller, 2014). Therefore, loving somebody is not entirely a matter of the heart. One will need to think through before getting into any commitment for one to increase chances of having a healthy relationship. The reading affirm my personal view on mate selecting since mate selecting can be viewed as a calculated risk that is guided by personal interest and heart desires but embraces rationalism. References After destroying an innumerable multitude of living beings, it had propagated itself without respite from place to place, and so calamitously, had spread into the West. sectetur adipiscing elit. Nam lacinia pulvinar tortor nec facilisis. Pellentesque dapibus efficitur laoreet. Nam risus ante, dapibus a molestie consequat, ultrices ac magna. Fusce dui lectus, congue vel laoreet ac, dictum vitae odio. Donec aliquet. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Nam lacinia pulvinar tortor nec facilisis. Pellentesque dapibus efficitur laoreet. Nam risus ante, dapibus a molestie consequat, ultrices ac magna. Fusce dui lectus, congue vel laoreet ac, dictum vitae o sectetur adipiscing elit. Nam lacinia pulvinar tortor nec facilisis. Pellentesque dapibus efficitur laoreet. Nam risus ante, dapibus a molestie consequat, ultrices ac magna. Fusce dui lectus, congue vel laoreet ac, dictum vitae odio. Donec aliquet. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Nam lacinia pulvinar tortor nec facilisis. Pellentesque dapibus efficitur laoreet. Nam Abusive words and expressions from parents, including “You are worthless” and “You will never amount to anything.” The most devastating: “I wish you were never born.” Physical abuse, including unnecessary hard slapping, punching, and beatings as a result of misplaced rage by one or both parents. Children who are sexually molested also fall under this category (although the damage is also psychological). Psychological torture, including being forced to helplessly watch a sibling being beaten by a parent. Psychological torture can also include watching one parent hit the other parent. Parental addiction to alcohol and/or other drugs. Children who live under these circumstances grow up with the daily pain of a parent (or parents) who is caught up in the throes of a powerful chemical and psychological addiction. Parents who are drunk or strung out on drugs are emotionally and physically unavailable to their children, who subsequently feel unwanted and abandoned. Parents avoiding one another; this includes periods when parents ignore each other and use the children as a pawn for attention. “She’s my child. Don’t go near her!” Another example would be one parent threatening the other with abandonment and kidnapping. “If you walk out that door, you will never see me or your daughter again!”Third, when an obsessive person does not receive the attention that they would want from the partner, they become depressed. The reason is because the obsessive partner feels a feeling of rejection which drains the energy of that individual hence leading to inability to work. Chris and Nancy are good representatives of this trait. Moore further explores other traits that are common in people that tend to confuse love with obsession. Some include manipulation to deter a partner from leaving, endurance abusive action and mistreatment with the hope that the love that one has for the partner will change their action and when they lose control over a partner, the affected partner will tend to transfer control to other people (Moore, 2006). Let’s examine Nancy’s past and relate it to her present. Several weeks prior to Nancy’s visit at my apartment, she had telephoned me for support after a nasty argument with her husband regarding his whereabouts. During that conversation, I asked Nancy questions about her childhood and her relational history with men. The information she revealed to me then first made me suspect that she is a person who confuses love with obsession. She told me that her parents were alcoholics who worked during the day and drank heavily at night. They argued often, and these angry words would sometimes escalate into physical violence. During particularly nasty fights, her father would storm out of the house and disappear for days at a time. When this happened, Nancy remembered feeling confused, abandoned, and alone. In fact, Tom’s story represents the extreme outcome of a person who is relationally addicted while suffering from a coaddiction to sex. Ideally, Tom would have received the love and support he needed as a child, which would have enabled him to build the proper foundation for meaningful, healthy relationships in adulthood. This was not the case, however, as his world was destroyed at the age of ten when his parents were taken from him. Without this proper foundation, he unintentionally assigned misguided emotional and psychological meaning to sex and relationships. In short, Tom was confusing love with sex, which ultimately caused both to become an obsession. So how do we know if we or someone we love is living with a sexual addiction? Before examining some common traits and characteristics, we must first rule out the common misconceptions. An individual is not necessarily a sex addict if he exhibits one or more of the following characteristics:

We enter into and stay in abusive relationships, thereby perpetuating the childhood role of peacemaker. We confuse love with violence, believing that physical abuse is an acceptable form of affection. use multiple tools of control, because in fact many of us do. However, for our purposes, we will examine these individually. Keep in mind, while reading the following stories, that relational dependency is a progressive disease that makes the addict do anything, no matter how hurtful or bizarre, to keep another attached to the relationship. A defining characteristic of addictive behaviors is that they involve the pursuit of short-term gratification at the expense of long-term harm. To be sure, Tom was harming himself both emotionally and physically while at the bathhouse, yet he remained ambivalent to the self-inflicted damage. Each anonymous sexual experience fed his addictive cycle, increasing the need for more of the “drug,” in this case, sex, while he struggled to maintain emotional stability. For those of us who are relationally dependent and sexually addicted, a direct threat to our health can unintentionally become a turning point. Tom’s health threat occurred in the form of an HIV/AIDS diagnosis. This represented a crucial turning point that forced him to embark down the road of self-awareness, which ultimately led him to seek help.

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While it is clear, that associating somebody with one of the main characters or their partners means admitting that this person likely was in an obsessive relationship, there is a person that, in my opinion, would identify with one of the stories. One of my acquaintances experienced having such a relationship in high school. In that situation, he could most likely identify with Stacy, Chris’s first girlfriend. Similar to Stacy’s situation, my friend was in a relationship with a girl, who gradually became more and more controlling. She would call multiple times a day to ask where he is and what he is doing. Moreover, she would get angry at him wanting to spend time alone or with his friends. My friend started to feel as if he was being followed and became restless. His girlfriend was unhappy and anxious, especially after they broke up.