Living with limerence: A guide for the smitten

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If it is an option, I’d recommend seeking out some professional support around attachment – a therapist or clinical psychologist who understands the issues well and can help you understand how your experiences have shaped your romantic life. That is likely to have the biggest impact on your ability to move forwards with purpose. Now this is probably familiar but it goes two ways. If I get a message in return I am flooded, overwhelmed with relief. I’m happy again… but of course that’s time limited. Until the cycle repeats. Another scenario to consider is that limerents may be especially good Sensors themselves. After all, while romantic reciprocation is obviously the primary goal for limerents, the strongest craving is often to have their limerence “mirrored”, rather than simply securing physical consummation.

I felt terrible–the last thing I wanted was to be a source of hurt for him–but as you can imagine at that point I also wanted/needed that reciprocity like I needed oxygen. He said I was the 7th unavailable woman he’d fallen for like this, so I suspect maybe he’s also a serial limerent. It was a perfect storm. And I thought I understood what sexual frustration was before then……….HA!!! This is the best possible moment to stop limerence before it starts, and I am getting good at this now. Avoid LO, categorise them as a threat rather than desirable company, and establish a position of civil neutrality. In addition to confiding that emotion & intimacy, there’s experiencing emotion & intimacy together that can trigger limerence, if you see the difference. In the one case it appears to be something I should be able to control and in the second case it is something that happens that I may not have control over. Limerence also gave me irrational feelings of guilt. (The delusional belief that LO is hypersensitive to my moods and feelings? The delusional belief we have a “mental connection” and should henceforth communicate telepathically?) I felt I was personally responsible for LO’s behaviour good and bad, including those times he was ignoring me – which were all-too-frequent for my tastes! 😛 One of the main mechanics of limerence is believing that the object of your desire will somehow complete and/or save you. In reality, this isn’t the expression of a mutual loving relationship, but a form of trauma response/bonding that relies on using your limerent object as a way of alleviating your burden by fulfilling the needs that were never met in the developmental stages of adulthood.When LO and I started hanging out, he was going through the end of a LE of his own with an unrequited limerence. He disclosed that to that LO and was heartbroken and I actually helped him through that. Imagine feeling the glimmer for someone who was a highly attuned limerence sensor. They would immediately spot your interest, and subconsciously respond in their pre-programmed way to kindle the interpersonal sparkles. This wouldn’t be malicious or conniving – they would just be responding to your interest by getting energised and excitable as they enjoy the thrill of inspiring limerence in you.

Did any of these options NOT resonate with your experience of limerence (or are any poorly worded)?

Once I’ve crossed that line, however, usually after at least 3-4 “grand gestures of apparent reciprocation” from LO, possibly in response to my own overtures, gestures which trigger pure euphoria, I start having brutal mood swings between euphoria and despair. Other people would read my despair as sadness and maybe depression. Rage only happens after rejection/permanent loss of LO. Basically, you’re aware of the “madness” of limerence e.g. nobody can be so perfect/the person doesn’t reciprocate. And yet you don’t want to give up on the dream that, yes, maybe, just maybe, you’re in with a chance! Lee in the Narcissist LO’s post commented on the striking similarities in addicts and people in limerence.