This is a paradox I often witness: as long as people are unaware of the impact of their past, they often find themselves re- enacting elements of it, rather than making conscious Most parents know about the benefits of reading stories from books with their young children. Yet what most parents don’t know is that everyday family stories..confer many of the same benefits of reading–and even some *new ones.” (Elaine Reese) *see footnote In this pillar I explain the importance of both living relationships and the continuing relationship with the person who has died. Our relationship with others is key to a good and happy life. And when someone significant in our life dies, the level of our loss will be equal to the quality of that relationship and how much we loved the person who died. Read More

Evidence suggests that the more children know about their family history, the less anxiety, less depression and higher self-esteem they exhibit.” (Natalie Merrill)Why do some families thrive in adversity while others fragment? How can families weather difficult transitions together? Why do our families so often exasperate us? And how can even small changes greatly improve our relationships? This is a paradox I often witness: as long as people are unaware of the impact of their past, they often find themselves re- enacting elements of it, rather than making conscious choices that would work better for them.’ We may not see our family, but they are still part of us, genetically, in our memories and our unconscious. We can never leave them, as we can a partner or a friendship.’ Julia: Well, I just think, you know, the definition of being loved is being known, known as you are on the inside. And how you feel yourself to be with all of you frailties and fault lines and strengths and great capacities and brilliance. I think we can ignore good things as well, but they need to be allowed and that when someone fully sees you with all of that and you known, that is what love is and that they don’t turn away and they don’t try to squish you down. You don’t big you up. Or when you’re looked in the eye and known and loved for that is an amazing thing. And I you know, one person is really enough. But ideally, we do want a bit of a village. You know, we want nine. Julia: My daughter had cancer. And, you know, we we had some very difficult conversations when she was so angry with me at times because I was trying to fix stuff or interfere. And she’s fought, you know, she was 38, but it was like, I want to go to the nursery teacher and sort out someone being mean to her. And I was trying to sort out doctors or. And, yeah, that wasn’t the right thing to do. But, you know. But not our best self, but not even that. It’s not not that’s the wrong word. It’s really painful and difficult when you really love someone.

This was a very interesting book. I am a big proponent of Therapy For Everybody, but family therapy seems to play second fiddle to individual – presumably because of how hard it is to get a group of potentially therapy-averse people around one table. I will say the fact that Samuels is attempting to be inclusive of many different types and varieties of families means that some specificity is lost. This is coming from a place of extreme privilege wherein I do not experience racism or homophobia, nor do I have significant traumas in my past. However, I still have mental health struggles, so the books that speak to me the most are the ones who deal with people like me – people who from the outside look like they shouldn’t have problems. All the same, this is still a valuable book with actionable insights. EVERY FAMILY HAS A Story Welcome to Ours - Hand Painted Sign on an Off White Mat with a Stained Wood Frame (21 in by 28.5 in) Because every picture has a story to tell Vinyl Wall Decal- Home Vinyl Wall Decal Quote -Home Picture story Vinyl Wall Decal - Picture Decal

Julia: So one of the stories was this amazing family where the father had died by suicide. He shot himself. It was called the Rossi family. And I met the mom and their three siblings and her three daughters who are siblings. And he had he was an Italian policeman and he had shot himself 40 years before. And the thing about trauma is that the residue of trauma is alive and present in your brain today as it was 40 years before. So his death had never been processed because as one of the things, one of the things that the mother, who is incredibly brave to do this therapy with her daughters, said, I never did ask, how was it for you? She never did ask for children because it was unbearable to know the answer. It’s to you can’t quite look at your children suffering when you can’t fix it. But of course it meant that she also then had to shut down because she had to go and earn money and she was traumatized and furious. They were now, 40 years later, challenging her and challenging themselves to deal with the trauma because it had developed lots of difficult behaviors. They had addiction problems and all sorts of behavioral problems in the men they sort of chose, not in other ways. But what happened was, as they were beginning to tell their story, they didn’t just have one narrative each. They had a collective narrative together. The mother’s story was included all three sisters, different stories, until they had a coherent narrative that made sense for themselves that so much had been hidden. And it was, I missed this or I did that wrong, or I felt guilty. And then when they had it all together, it allowed them to have their full kind of acceptance of it. And also, yeah, it allowed them to rebuild a relationship with their dad because a bit like your parents that had this narrative that dad killed himself for us and poor dad and wasn’t that great. And the sister said, everyone keeps saying how great dad was, but he shot himself and he was an alcoholic. So I mean, really? Julia: And that in trying to protect them, you would also exclude yourself and each other. And there’d be that presence of absence even when you were alive. So it’s it’s better to be a messy fighting person who’s real. I mean, I remember telling my daughter. Keep collections to yourself or inspire other shoppers! Keep in mind that anyone can view public collections - they may also appear in recommendations and other places. Talking to your children soberly about values like tenacity, courage or forgiveness can be less effective than telling a story about a person they know who lived through a real situation. In fact, hearing and telling family stories can strengthen our own character.” (Jamie Yuenger)

Kita, vis dažniau knygose mane atrandanti tema yra karantinas! Ta universali pasaulio patirtis jos metu! Ir, tiesą pasakius, aš tarsi vis laukiau, ką psichologai tirs ir kalbės apie pandemijos įtakas ir poveikius. Ši dalis buvo labai įdomi, nors jai skirtas foninis, antraeilis dėmesys. 💛 This is a moving and reassuring meditation that, amid trauma and hardship, tells unforgettable stories of forgiveness, hope and love. Of course, if one is reflexive and honest, we always hold views that are difficult to shake off but surely therapy is about active listening and approaching a non-judgmental stance. There are clear examples of a somewhat paternalistic approach and moreover there is nothing within the book that reflects how families access her services, what her fees are and whether that means as a necessity she excludes certain (lower income) families. That sits awkwardly for me as trauma is perhaps disproportionately encountered by those who have poor housing, no or low incomes, have encountered difficulties in the Armed Services and so forth. Indeed, there is no rationale as to why she chose the families that she did. Kate: That’s so nice. But the thing, what you wrote about the relationships that heal us made complete sense to me of how the last few years have gone. Only when I practiced being honest that I could get over the loneliness. And then the and solving loneliness to me has been the biggest. I mean, there being no solution to almost anything but but at least like a beautiful salve to the worst parts of being a person. You wrote this absolutely gorgeous moving thing about like it only takes one person. Can you tell me more about that?Grief Works is a compassionate guide that will support, inform and engage anyone who is grieving, from the ‘expected’ death of a parent to the sudden and unexpected death of a small child. It also provides clear advice for those seeking to comfort the bereaved. Read more about how bodies hold on to trauma and childhood stress in a book written Besel Vander Kolk in The Body Keeps Score . Kate also talks to Besel about this same topic in the podcast episode called “Our Bodies Keep Score ”. Every Picture Tells A Story - Metal Wall Art, Metal Wall Sign, Family Sign, Family Decor, Home decor, Metal wall decor, Gifts for her If you are reading this you have great eyesight. But also, thanks for being a person with me. The world is strange and hard for soft-hearted humans, but I think you’re a delight. An essential, clever and kind book that reminds us that we can never hope to understand ourselves without deeply understanding our families. A testament to the ongoing relevance of psychotherapy and to Julia Samuel’s preeminent skill as an author and therapist.” —Alain de Boton

There are many resources available if you or a loved one has been a survivor of suicide loss. Reach out if you need help at Alliance for Hope . Kate: Yes, that’s right. I imagine the Canadian version would just be like a deep, awkward politeness, like just a small wave if you happen to be. Unlike stories from books, family stories are always free and completely portable. You don’t even need to have the lights on to share with your child a story about your day, about their day, about your childhood or their grandma’s.” (Elaine Reese) Every Family Has a Story Welcome To Ours, Wood Family Sign, Family Wall Decor, Wedding Gift, Anniversary Sign, Farmhouse Sign, Wooden SignHow are you?” is a question – as I remember my mother telling me long ago – best avoided. Once you start to think about it, you realise most people prefer not to have to respond to the inquiry truthfully (a polite “fine” covers it). The author Julia Samuel was in conversation with Stephen Gross at our event. Please find out more here.