NOW Thats What I Call Music! 4

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Have you ever listened to the lyrics of “Something Just Like This,” the Chainsmokers/Coldplay song that’s on Now 63? They make no sense. Take the first verse, for example: I’m sorry, hang on. Did we just jump from Achilles and Hercules to SPIDER-MAN AND BATMAN? This is the worst book report on the Iliad ever written. 39. Now That’s What I Call Music! 30 In this world you either crank that soulja boy or it cranks you— Soulja Boy Tell 'Em (@souljaboy) July 26, 2018 T35. Now That’s What I Call Music! 22 It’s strange: People are pretty rude about mumblerap, but I don’t remember anyone throwing their hands up about Mystikal yelling “Danger!” into a microphone over and over again. 32. Now That’s What I Call Music! 19

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Chanté’s Got a Man” is a wildly rude song. The thesis of “Chanté’s Got a Man” is “Oh dang, it’s really too bad your boyfriend is cheating on you, but guess what: I’m in a very stable, rewarding relationship.” It’s just a whole bunch of boasting—all done in the third person—directed at a woman going through one of the hardest periods of her life. Chanté didn’t need to do this. 56. Now That’s What I Call Music! 66 The sound of a car turning signal has haunted me since the day “The Middle” was released as a Target commercial on January 28, 2018. Please make it stop. 55. Now That’s What I Call Music! 44 Hold On, We’re Going Home” is one of only two times that Drake has been called music (the other was “Best I Ever Had”). He is resoundingly the most popular musician of his generation—the crazy thing is that he doesn’t actually make music though.Toxic” by Britney Spears is the best song and video Britney Spears has ever released, please do not @ me. The last two Now albums, nos. 66 and 67, include songs that were released after October 1, 2017, meaning they have not yet been eligible to be nominated for, and win, Grammys. In those cases, educated guesses were employed. The Temper Trap’s “Sweet Disposition” is on Now 34, which can mean only one thing: (500) Days of Summer played a major role in dictating what was called music in 2010. 53. Now That’s What I Call Music! 40 I’m beginning to suspect that T-Pain has a problem interpreting the messages sent to him by various strippers. “I’m ’n Luv (wit a Stripper),” which appears on Now 22, is not the only song in which T-Pain documents his unrequited love for a stripper. The subject of “I Can’t Believe It,” whom T-Pain reportedly puts in a mansion somewhere in Wiscansin, is intimated to be a dancer. There’s also the song “Bartender,” and while it’s never specified whether this bartender is working at a strip club or just a regular bar, the dynamics of a relationship between a patron and a bartender and that of a patron and a stripper are similar enough to conclude that T-Pain has once again misinterpreted “working for tips” to mean “true love.” He and Wyclef Jean need to talk about this in group. 34. Now That’s What I Call Music! 57 Here are five reasons why I think “Somebody That I Used to Know” isn’t remembered so kindly, despite it not being that bad a song:

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Across 67 albums, only 14 songs received a perfect 10 in the Essential Score category. “Teenage Dream” is one of them, and because I don’t have much else to say about Now 36, now is a good time to do a mini ranking of all the most essential Now songs. In our universe, meanwhile, I’d expect “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper to land on, like, Now 69. Bradley Cooper is music. 14. Now That’s What I Call Music! 64A hot take: “Need You Now” is one of the best songs of the decade, across all genres; it’s probably top five. 15. Now That’s What I Call Music! 31 people would be a lot more willing to concede that “Panda” is a pretty good song. 12. Now That’s What I Call Music! 55

Now That’s What I Call Music!’ Album, Ranked Every ‘Now That’s What I Call Music!’ Album, Ranked

A really tough listen all the way through, Now 58 starts with a low-impact Kelly Clarkson song (“Piece by Piece”) and continues with a slew of artists’ lesser hits (“Roses” by the Chainsmokers, “In the Night” by the Weeknd, “Out of the Woods” by Taylor Swift, and “Middle” by DJ Snake) and also songs by G-Eazy (again!) and Bryson Tiller. No thanks! 59. Now That’s What I Call Music! 10 Fun fact: Frankie J has been called music more times than Drake. 31. Now That’s What I Call Music! 53 Sample lyrics from “BareNaked”: “Sometimes I think I’m the only one/Whose day turned out unlike it had begun.” [ Whispers.] Jennifer, this is a description of literally every person’s everyday experience.To appropriately rank the Now albums, I devised a formula to take into account the commercial success, accolades, and feeling of essentialness of each song featured. Half a point was awarded for every week a song stayed on the Billboard Hot 100; five points were awarded for every Grammy nomination a song earned, while 10 points were awarded for a Grammy win; lastly, one point was awarded for every MTV Video Music Award nomination, while two points were awarded for every VMA win. Those numbers were then totaled and averaged. The Essential Score for each album was determined by rating each song’s essentialness on a scale of 1 to 10. How do you determine how essential a song is, you ask? I’ll answer that question with a series of questions: How efficiently does the song conjure a sense of time and place? How well does it capture where popular music was as a genre when it was included on Now? And lastly, how good is the song to this day? Taking those questions into account and assigning each song an Essential Score, I—again, I am the authority here, which is valid because as Now doctrine states, all people who started the sixth grade three or four years before or after the first Now are Now experts—averaged those numbers to arrive at an Essential Score. Each album’s Points Average was then multiplied by its Essential Score to give us a Now Score. Simply put, the higher the Now Score, the better the Now album. Once again: Music, in its most current state, is bad. Now 65, in particular, features a three-song run that paints a ghastly picture of recent popular rap, from G-Eazy’s “No Limit” to NF’s “Let You Down” to Post Malone’s “I Fall Apart.” Woof. 60. Now That’s What I Call Music! 58 If your song ends up on a commercial, especially one featuring a person dancing, congrats, dude—your song is probably music. 40. Now That’s What I Call Music! 63

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I have complete faith in the all-knowing “I,” but sometimes I wonder … 62. Now That’s What I Call Music! 67 If we ever do a ranking called “Now That’s What I Call a Reality Show!” though, Jessica’s taking home the belt. 48. Now That’s What I Call Music! 23It also, for some reason, has Juvenile’s “Slow Motion,” marking one of the only times Now correctly classified rap as music. More on that below … 8. Now That’s What I Call Music! 49 Turn Down for What” is Lil Jon’s revenge on the Now god after it somehow determined that both “Get Low” and “Yeah!” were not music. In response to these truly harsh, obviously misguided snubs, Lil Jon clearly sat down with the then-unknown DJ Snake to make a song that was so music it would eventually drive everyone mad. 9. Now That’s What I Call Music! 16 Also, how’s this for injustice: Both Zayn and Liam Payne appear on Now 67. In all, 10 solo efforts from former members of One Direction appear on Now albums, though none of those are songs by Harry Styles. I really thought he’d be the one to release the most music. Alas, “Sign of the Times” is not music. 61. Now That’s What I Call Music! 65